Paul Foot

3 Humane Ways to Combat the Spider Invasion – 29th Septet 2014

As ye may have noticed, there has been an awful lot of news coverage recently about the “spider invasion” that we are apparently experiencing in the U.K. I don’t know because I’m in Australala currently, and despite having an arachnid that can kill you on every street corner here, they don’t seem bothered in the slightest. Anyway, our very own Brutish Borecasting Corporation featured an article about this “invasion” as its lead story a few days ago, which is not at all ridiculous due to the fact that nothing else was occurring in the world that day. Anyhow, I thought I had better come up with some solutions to the invasion before the Crime Minister, David Cameraman, launches a bombing campaign against these spiders, which would be quite damaging considering they live quietly in the corners of our living rooms bothering nearly no one ever.

Here are 3 Humane Solutions that will solve the problem without the need to resort to brutal bombings:

1. Spiderglasses

Much like vanglasses, which loyal Connoisseurs will already be familiar with, spiderglasses can made at home easily with some black cardboard, some glue and a pair of glasses. Simply cut out a spider shape and stick onto each lens, then as a spider scuttles past simply move your face in the same direction at exactly the same speed as the spider so that you cannot see the spider. Of course,  spiders come in different sizes and move at different speeds so this isn’t an ideal solution. The other downside is spiderglasses make it difficult to do anything other than await the onset of spiders and so they get in the way of almost everything else that you wish to do. You end up being constantly on edge. On second thoughts, it would be better just to dig a hole in the garden, put your head in it, and scream without intermission for hours.

2. Spider Salad

Why not be the envy of all your friends and host a spider-themed dinner party? By making a spider salad using the spiders in your house you are both solving your own domestic spider epidemic while also becoming an avant-garde culinary talk-of-the-town. Of course this isn’t a humane method if your guests eat the spiders, or indeed if you kill them while preparing the dishes. The way out of this dilemma is to serve Nouvelle Spider Cuisine with tiny pointless dishes that don’t actually contain any spider. Your guests probably won’t notice, although they may complain to each other in the car on the way home. Thing is, you haven’t used up any spiders so this humane solution doesn’t really work either. By setting a culinary trend, though, it will only be a matter of days before Nigella wants a series and you can then sell all of your spiders to her. She will most likely batter them to death with a rolling pin, or worse – batter them to death in actual batter. Not your problem. Take the money and run baybayyyy.

3. Think Outside The Box

This method is a last resort, but if there are too many spiders in your house you can move all of your furniture, and indeed your lives, into the garden. Let the spiders enjoy your home while you live in the garden. Of course one shortfalling is that your garden will have significantly more spiders than the house had. You could deal with this by perhaps drinking your own weight in sherry and spending the whole of autumn on your mobile phone looking inwards not outwards.

Centre Parkz Hell – 29th Apricot 2014

Popular holiday hell hole, Center Parcs, has been scolded by The Advertising Standards Selectee, ASS, following a television commercial that instructs parents to take their kids out of school during term time and enjoy a family holiday in Center Parcs.

The advert depicts four, unrelated part-time models of each gender and age group cycling without purpose around a green woodland area which is, in fact, a green room in Brent Cross. A second scene displays a retired group of strangers laughing as they take it in turns to pass around a bowl of CGI salad in a kitchen-come-dining area in which even the sink and one of the guests have been wood-panelled.

The main offence of the commercial, which only last 27 seconds thanks to heavy editing (including a deleted scene portraying a small child being repeatedly smacked on a rowing boat while a crying mother stares forlornly into a row of re-planted poplars) is that it suggests a holiday of any sort can be enjoyed at Center Parcs.

Center Parcs, who choose to adopt the American spelling of ‘Centre’ and the Serbian spelling of ‘Crap’, have been upselling disused areas of faintly wood-esque wasteland to aspirational broken families for several decades now. Despite always casting unrelated singles  with cosmetic implants in their commercials, their target market has always been families that sadly are related and all hate each other’s guts.

The ASS have presented Center Parcs with a list of features to appear in their new commercial that would make the advertising more realistically reflect the product; including two teenage brothers fighting over a plug socket, and a father in a his mid forties watching the younger wife of a man in his neighbouring gîte shower through frosted glass while tightly clenching a screwed up map of cycle path panoramas in his fist.

Would I Glide To You – 11th Apricot 2014

For over a month now, the hunt has been on for the missing headline: “Flight MH370 Found.” The headline, which was expected to be found shortly after MH370 went missing, has vanished without trace – the longest time that such a headline has ever disappeared for.

The Crime Minister of Australia, Tory Abbott, paid tribute to journalists: “It would have been easy for them to give up the search, but instead reporters have worked tirelessly round the clock, creating hours of idle speculation to fill the 24/7 news cycle. Each lead, however small, has been worked on thoroughly and painstakingly by the media professionals – with an endless assortment of pieces to camera, newspaper articles and archive footage.”

The missing headline is incredibly difficult to locate, as it is believed to be hidden at a depth of several thousand column inches.

Meantime, the Liberal Democrash party has nose-dived and sunk without trace, with the loss of all on board, after its pilot made an abrupt turn to the left wing to avoid colliding with UKIP, and then lost all contact (he did not even make a Mayday call, which he really ought to have, because that’s the month in which he’ll be punished in the European elections big time).

Bloc-heads – 31st Marsh 2014

Europe was thrown into further crisis last night when Russian President, Vladimir Rasputin, escalated his efforts to acquire all left-leaning regions that have expressed a desire to be independent from the sovereign state in which they exist, by annexing Scotland.

As the Soviet Army, dressed classily in unmarked balaclavas and striped jumpers, seized the last of the army bases and chip shops, Alex Salmon dismissed reports of the annexation as “scaremongering from Westminster/West Urals”.

British Crime Minister, David Cameraman, has issued “a harsh warning” and has said he will respond “in the most robust of fashions” if President Pol Putin does not sort-of stop.

However, Prussia (Putin’s Russia) is showing no signs of heeding any of David Copperfield’s warnings, as reports emerge that the Russian tricolor can be seen atop every pie shop in the city of Edingrad and that the Scottish parliament has been relocated to Kremlin-upon-Tweed.

The social impacts of the “liberation” are already being felt, as aggressive, homophobic drunkards now roam the streets of Glasgow and Salmon’s Deputy, Nicola Sturgeon, has been arrested and turned into caviar. In sport, Andy Murray has been banned from playing tennis and forced to become a world class chess master. He doesn’t look any more disappointed than usual.

The political situation in the region is being described as “stable”, as Alex Salmonella has been incarcerated in a new-build gulag north of Stalinverness and the new Head of State of the USSR (United Scottish Soviet Republic) is to be a descendent of Tsar Nicholas I, called Queen Lizard II.

Crimean Warp – 18th Marsh 2014

A former region of Ukraine has disappeared without warning. Late last night, it vanished from European radar screens. A huge, international search effort is now underway to trace the missing district, as well as investigations being made into its inhabitants.

The authorities now believe the area may have fallen victim to an illegal referendum just minutes after leaving Ukraine and is now believed to be in Russian airspace.

In a statement Resident Obama said, “This illegal action will not be tolerated. We will not tolerate it. I will continue to say empty words for as long as it takes.”

Suspicion has now fallen on the Russian pilot, Vladimir RasPutin, who may be guilty of a war crimea.

Until this incident, The Crimea was one of the world’s most reliable countries, with no history of any previous disappearances.

Putin My Foot In It – 3rd Marsh 2014

In a star-spangled ceremony in Lost Angeles last night, the results of the much anticipated Oscars were announced:

The award for best acting (President of Ukraine, if he can get away with it) went to Vladimir Putin, for his convincing role as the most evil man in the world.

The best supporting actor went to David Cameraon, for his brilliant performances over the past year, appearing to “talk tough” on Europe, the environment, bankers’ bonuses, etc., etc., whilst doing absolutely nothing.

The Lifetime Underachievement gong went to Resident Obama – a great vote of confidence by the judges in his ability to accomplish zilch, as he still has a couple of years left in which he might accidentally actually make a decision and then implement it.

The best independent production went to Alex Salmon, for his evocative fantasy piece, “An Independent Scotland, With All The Advantages It Currently Enjoys and None of the Disadvantages.”

Best make up went to Australala’s Tony Abbott, for having made up any old rubbish in order to get elected.

Meanwhile, a film called ‘Gravity’, about some clueless people who hurtle out of control whilst flying high and fall back to Earth with a bump, was dismissed as ludicrous by all politicians and failed to win any awards for Sandra Bollocks.

Oscar Pistorius is currently on trial.

Self-Hijacking Plane – 20th Fabruary 2014

Ye may recall the event, not so long ago, when a completely stationary, empty plane on the tarmac at Heathrow Aerodrome, spontaneously caught fire. Now, in breaking news, the airline that pioneered this self-combusting plane has developed the self-hijacking plane, as an Ethiopian Airlines craft bound for Rome, Italy, was hijacked by its own pilot. The co-pilot locked himself in the cockpit whilst the king pilot was in the bog and immediately diverted the plane to Geneva, where he intended to claim asylum.

Upon landing the hijacker was immediately arrested at penknifepoint by the Swiss army and is now facing up to 20 years in jail, leading many political commentators to question why he did not claim asylum in Rome, the plane’s scheduled destination and undeniably the most convenient option for all concerned. The most likely options are as follows:

1. He would rather risk 20 years in prison than be within a 50 mile radius of Silvio Burlusconi, for fear of being mistaken for an underage prostitute and then sexually assaulted and then given a position in government. (In an ironic twist, the hijacker was unaware that Burlusconi is also facing long, hard time in Swiss prison for reasons such as the above).

2. He couldn’t bear the thought of negotiating his way out of Rome Airport, with its thickly spun web of mafia-run branches of Tie Rack, where even browsing briefly through the window at the ties whilst one waits for their connecting flight results in a “debt of honour”.

3. He wished to avoid the Vatican at all costs due to their infamously unsafe airspace. This, of course, follows the recent reports of two seagulls and a crow terrorising two doves released by Pope Frankie as a symbol of peace, in what is being widely reported as a racially motivated attack.

In another stunning development, a recording of the pilot’s announcement has been leaked onto the interweb after it was secretly recorded by a disgruntled air hostess. The hijacker can be heard saying: “This is your Captain speaking. My name is Captain Hailemedehin, but you can call me Jack, as in ‘Hi Jack’.  Our destination is now Geneva, due to the fact that I’m holding a gun to my own head. No one try anything clever or you’ll all die which actually you will anyway if I don’t correctly land this aircarft which I better get on with. Thank you for flying Ethiopian Airlines. Cabin Crew, that’s ten minutes. Ten minutes to freedom.”

Ethiopian Airlines flights are available from www.lastminutediversion.com. Meanwhile, in order to compete in the international hijacking market, Italy’s national carrier, Alitalia, is changing its name to Alqaeda.

A Sandstorm in a Teacup – 13th Fabruary 2014

A man who built his house on the sand has blamed the government after his home was swept away in some wind and rain. Meanwhile, the government has blamed the previous government for failing to legislate to make it illegal for a house to collapse. However, in a statement, the house owner, Jack, made it clear that he blamed absolutely everyone: “The Government or the Environment Agency or whoever really could have pumped concrete into the sand that formed my foundations, which would have cost millions and probably wouldn’t have worked but that’s not the point anyway and now I’ve lost my house and I blame Margaret Thatcher.”

Meanwhile, all the ills of the world have officially been attributed to the middle classes. A spokesman for Climate Change (the environmental effect formerly known as Global Warming) said, “It’s easy to blame these problems on the huge increase in the world’s population, or perhaps the failure of successive world leaders to stick their necks out and do something, or even just hold the entire human race collectively responsible; but it’s so much more fun to blame the middle classes. If it wasn’t for them, with their rainforest-destroying paper doyleys, desire for a freshly laundered face towel each morning, and thirty-minute oven usage as they lightly warm a vol au vent, our planet wouldn’t be heading for environmental armageddon and I’d be out of a job.”

The case continues.

The Interweb’s White List – 31st Janitor 2014

The UK Government have announced a “White List” for wrongly-blocked websytes. This comes as much relief to groups such as the pen manufacturers, Pen Island, who have their websyte at Penisland.com, and legal advice websyte, Who Represents?, who can be contacted at WhorePresents.com.

But smaller individuals are relieved too.

ViagaraFalls.net is the official websyte for V-triloquist adventure holidays. V-triloquists are people who have a speech impediment that means they start most words with a “V” sound. Founded by Vaniel Veatherby, the group recently went on a trip to Niagara Falls. Vaniel registered the domain, “ViagaraFalls”, so that he could share his photos from the holiday. The several incidents of sexual abuse that happened on the holiday were not photographed, so his websyte should be justly approved.

Other pathetic internet minnows who are, right now, rejoicing onto their mousepads include: Boys Lag Behind, an online charity addressing the educational imbalances between the genders, whose websyte, boyslagbehind.com, has been subject to unofficial government “monitoring” since the mid-80s; and a fansyte dedicated to infamous biblical pebble-flinger, St. David, which can be found at STDavid.org.

Queen to start handing over royal duties to the next generation – 24th Janitor 2014

Beckenham Palace has announced that the Queen is tired from decades of waving and not showing her emotions, and is to allow her arch rival Prince Charlie to do the job of queen.

Meanwhile, other royals will take over the responsibilities of the older generations: HRH Camilla is to do Philip’s job, ie. be massively unpopular; William is to do his father’s job of going on about agriculture all the time and being really boring; Harry will take over from Andrew as a pointless waste of space; and Our Kate will be made the new Mother Theresa / God.

Meanwhile, the Queen Mother has been officially declared still dead.