Tropical Articles

What the Press say:

Every time Paul writes a Tropical Article to inform his Connoisseurs of the Tropical issues of the day, his embattled and beleaguered worker, Master Sletcher, obsessively collects them in old Vimto bottles and hoards them in a nook aboard his tragic barge. He is often seen adrift off the shore of Gosport curating his ridiculous library and battling seagulls with a harpoon.

Tropical Articles

Lady in (the) Red – 24th Novella 2015

Top businesslady, Carolyn Fairbairn, Chairmum of the CBI (Confusion of Business Idiots), has said business dinners are not female friendly, as "women" ...

Lady in (the) Red – 24th Novella 2015

Top businesslady, Carolyn Fairbairn, Chairmum of the CBI (Confusion of Business Idiots), has said business dinners are not female friendly, as “women” prefer to go home and spend time with their children and unemployed husband than spend the evening eating sushi and earning billions.

In an interview with whoever, Ms. Fearbun stated that business dinners are “not very inclusive” for women (because presumably women do not eat food after sundown?) and that “maybe the business dinner is a vestige of old business life”.

Quoi?

If you want to be a successful business person, you might sometimes, regardless of whether you have children or not, whether or not the snooker is on tv, or indeed whether you are male, female, or unsure, occasionally consider it necessary to attend an important business function. It’s not complicated.

However, in the event that she is not persuaded by my argument, here are some alternatives to the business dinner that Carole might find to be more “female-friendly”:

1. Jam making* whilst negotiating a 25 million dollar oil contract.

“Pour that pectin in, love. Oh and by the way, I’m prepared to buy 36 million barrels of crude.”

2. Contract cake**

Terms and conditions in fondant icing with piping bag.

3. Flower arranging on the floor of the London Stock Exchange.

Sterling’s weakened, the Commodities Market is showing significant medium-term instability***. So we gorra sell that yen. And for Christ’s sake, Sandra, get that marigold out of there. It’s the wrong colour mix!!

*Made using the finest North Sea strawberries.

**Contains eggs – legally binding.

***Failure to achieve fiscal fluidity would result in having to go, cap-in-hand, to the IVF.
To Russia With Love – 6th Novella 2015

In a surprise announcement from the Kremlin, Vladimir Putin is set to marry Sir Elton John. Elton, 69, is due to fly to Moscow as soon as ...

To Russia With Love – 6th Novella 2015

In a surprise announcement from the Kremlin, Vladimir Putin is set to marry Sir Elton John. Elton, 69, is due to fly to Moscow as soon as possible to be wed to President Putitin, in what is seen as a great step forward for LGBT rights in Russia. However, Elton John’s current gay husband, Liza Minnelli, did not welcome the news, saying, “They both deserve to be kicked in the gulags.”

In Britain, the first gay marriage was between David Cameron and Nice Clegg in the rose garden of Downing Street, after the British public voted for a well hung parliament. Guests at the gay wedding included Black Rod and the Chief Whip. Their relationship soon turned sour after bridesmaid, Mince Cable, hit the wine at the reception and drunkenly raised VAT rates.

Meanwhile, Jeremy Corbyn, leader of the Labia Party, has been accused of homophobia after he refused to kneel before a Queen and kiss her ring, and mistook the Privy Council for a Westminster cottaging organisation (which is probably is!). However, when it was explained that it is simply vital, ceremonial flummery to submit to an unelected, multi-millionaire aristocrat in order to join a secretive, privileged security council which strengthens the power and influence of MI5, MI6 and other state-sponsored spying on the peripheries of legality and accountability, he immediately said, “Ooh that’s fine then”.

Many other countries, including the USA, New Zealand and Brazil, allow gay marriage. In the Sahara Desert, gay mirages are commonplace:

“Ooh Mustafa, it looks like two men are getting it on over by that sand dune.”

“Oh yes, so it does. No, it was just a trick of the light. Let’s get back to my wives.”

There are now only a handful of countries in the world that have not legalised gay marriage. Here’s that list in full:

Saudi Arabia, Yemen, Uganda, Iran, Zimbabwe, North Korea, Australia.
The Paul Foot Guide to the Labour Leadership Election – 4th Septet 2015

As I'm sure ye have heard, the Labour Party are having a Leadership election to determine who will be their next leader. It makes quite a lot of sense ...

The Paul Foot Guide to the Labour Leadership Election – 4th Septet 2015

As I’m sure ye have heard, the Labour Party are having a Leadership election to determine who will be their next leader. It makes quite a lot of sense when ye think about it. Anyway, here is my guide to the 4 candidates:

Liz Ken Doll:

Lizzie is being touted by many as a top visionary of the Labour Party. She’s a moderniser with sensible policies to bring Labour back into contention. Unfortunately, all those polices are Tory policies.

Yvonne Cooper:

Yvonne is married to Ed Balls, which means she has had at least one sax session with Ed Balls, so her judgement is not to be trusted. She has no known policies and is probably a bit angry, although I can’t prove that last bit.

Andy Burnvictim:

The other day I bumped into the plastic-faced Andy and had a surprisingly interesting conversation about his radical vision for Britain and his unexpectedly deeply-held political viewpoints. “This man has so much more to him than the empty cipher we know from the television,” I thought, as our fascinating intellectual exchange drew to a close. As I stepped away, I noticed I hadn’t been speaking to him at all, but to his waxwork in Madame Tussaud’s.

Jeremy Corbyn:

Jeremy Corbyn’s initials are JC. Coincidence? Almost certainly. But the baby Jesus and our Jeremy have more than just that in common. Both are challengers to their establishment (New Labour & Old Judaism respectively), both have a beard, both have built something from wood in the past (probably), both take public transport (night bus & donkey respectively), both will be crucified for standing up for what they believe in, and neither are the son of God.
Heath Row (ie. argument) – 7th Julie 2015

In the news this week there has been much discussion about expanding Heathrow Airport. While one has much sympathy for nearby villagers whose cottages ...

Heath Row (ie. argument) – 7th Julie 2015

In the news this week there has been much discussion about expanding Heathrow Airport. While one has much sympathy for nearby villagers whose cottages may end up being next to, or under, a runway; it is difficult to feel sorry for people who bought houses right under the flight path and then moan incessantly about the noise from a runway that has been there since 1929. Or, to put it another way, if you can’t cope with aircraft noise, don’t move next door to an international airport!

In this week’s letter to ye, I focus on things people moan about but shouldn’t.

1. The weather, especially in the context of “ruining our special day.” Yes, it might have rained during your wedding, but that’s the price you pay for being alive on the only known planet in the universe that supports life!

2. Inanimate objects obeying the laws of physics. People get all annoyed and start shouting when some shoddily propped up books fall down, yet they are only fulfilling their destiny of yielding to gravity. Bad luck, mate.

3. Aeroplane food. My final gripe about gripes concerns the biggest moan of them all: you’ve paid (disregarding taxes) £12.75 to an airline to move you at 600 miles per hour in great safety whilst watching a selection of newly-released films to a new destination. The whole thing wouldn’t even have been possible at any time in human history before about a hundred years ago and certainly has never been quieter or more comfortable, but moan, moan, moan: “I don’t like the chicken, this beef is inedible, call this a mushroom sauce?, this raspberry tartlet is a bit dry, etc, etc.” Pathetic.
Greek Tragedy – 22nd Juniper 2015

With Greece teetering on the verge of economic collapse this week, I look at the three potential outcomes and how they will affect those closest to ...

Greek Tragedy – 22nd Juniper 2015

With Greece teetering on the verge of economic collapse this week, I look at the three potential outcomes and how they will affect those closest to it: journalists.

1. Greece agrees reform deal with its creditors at last minute, avoids default and remains within the Euro.

This is by far the least exciting option as far as the papers and television news are concerned. Any articles about the deal that will affect millions are likely to be consigned to page 15 or further back; TV news might, if they can be bothered, create a small graphic illustrating the financial situation and run the story just after some footage of Nicole Kidman wearing a dress.

2. Greece defaults on IMF and ECB repayments, causing ruin on Greek banks and potential exit from the Euro.

This is a good result for the media. Lots of footage of people queueing outside banks, a bit of wailing perhaps; followed by the big one: the Grexit, a truly ghastly word that will appear on page 1 of all the newspapers. Brief discussion about the terrible hardship that will be visited upon the Greek people, before the focus is turned back to how it will affect the rich countries and also Angelina Jolie in a blue dress that REALLY doesn’t suit her exclusive shocker, etc., etc.

3. No agreement reached between Greece and its creditors, but both sides paper over the cracks and Greece remains in the Euro for the time being.

This allows the media to continue with business as usual: news articles that only vaguely explain what’s going on because none of them really understands it; plus the continuation of a whole host of pithy headlines that trivialise a complex and terrible situation, such as “Deal Or No Deal”, “Acropolis Now” and “All Rhodes Lead To Disaster”.
Barbie Queue – 19th Juniper 2015

Now that barbecue season is upon us we can relax. No need to plan anything on a Saturday or Sunday now until at least September, safe in the knowledge that ...

Barbie Queue – 19th Juniper 2015

Now that barbecue season is upon us we can relax. No need to plan anything on a Saturday or Sunday now until at least September, safe in the knowledge that we will be invited (obliged) to attend A FRIGGING BARBECUE.

Here are three types of people who strive to ensure that all barbecues are absolutely awful to attend.1) SMUG PARENTS
Who constantly document their hapless children. Hula-hooping, dancing, clapping, getting ice cream on their nose – all perfect subject matter for parents who treat their children like performing monkeys as a kind of therapeutic escapism from their own failed attempts at real life.2) BACKSEAT CHEFS
You put some meat on a hot grill and it cooks. That is that. No real skill required. No secrets. It’s just very basic logic. You are not exerting masculinity or impressing anyone with your insider tips on how to grill a flipping burger. AND we all know that you got off with your wife’s best friend while you were engaged – no perfectly cooked succulent five-minutes-a-side mint-infused rack of lamb is ever going to change that.

3) UNAPPROVED NUDITY

Barbecues are springboards for partial nudity and flashes of body hair as friends for some reason share an unspoken agreement to strip off in close proximity to each other, subtly advertising themselves as sexual objects regardless of relationships that are already firmly in place. Babe, put your thighs away, you’re embarrassing the children (who shouldn’t have been brought anyway – see No.1)
First Past the Ghost: The Paul Foot Guide to Tactical Voting – 6th Mayonnaise 2015

Dear Connoisseur,

As ye may know, a General Election is occurring this week and it is almost certainly the most ...

First Past the Ghost: The Paul Foot Guide to Tactical Voting – 6th Mayonnaise 2015

Dear Connoisseur,

As ye may know, a General Election is occurring this week and it is almost certainly the most confusing election since Shagaster Kerner became Swallow President.

So I have compiled my Guide to Tactical Voting so ye all know what is going on. I have included all the voting choices (apart from the really silly ones like UKIP and Liberal Democrats). I suggest ye print it out and bring it with ye to the ballot box so ye can cross reference your decision with the inevitable consequences I have indicated below.

1. Vote Conservative

Result: Fewer votes for SNP, meaning Labour win a majority. So, only vote Tory if you actually support Labour.

2. Vote Labour

Result: A collapse in support for the smaller, protest parties. This plays into the hands of the Tories. So, vote Labour if you support the Conservative Party.

3. Vote SNP

Result: This will help the Conservative Party. Vote SNP if you would like a right wing coalition between the Tories and UKIP.

4. Vote Green

And damage the Liberal Democrats in the process.
Prince Charles is in his Late 70s – Shocker – 30th Janitor 2015

New scientific research has proved that the heir to the thrones is much older than advertised. Complex mathematical ...

Prince Charles is in his Late 70s – Shocker – 30th Janitor 2015

New scientific research has proved that the heir to the thrones is much older than advertised. Complex mathematical equations as well as carbon dating were used to demonstrate that the duffer is 78.96 years old. He had previously been thought to be in his forties. He is believed to have become aged partly as a consequence of marrying Camilla, Duchess of Piles.

In other revelations, the research also demonstrates:

Princess Anne is still in her late twenties, although looks older.

Prince William is fifty.

Duchess Katie Middleton and Anne Boleyn are first cousins, 19 times removed.
Sweaty Talking Shop – 3rd Novella 2014

Parliament was in uproar last night after allegations that feminists working there earn just £62 per hour. Popular feminists including Nick Clog, Red ...

Sweaty Talking Shop – 3rd Novella 2014

Parliament was in uproar last night after allegations that feminists working there earn just £62 per hour. Popular feminists including Nick Clog, Red Milibland and Harriet Char(wo)man were pictured in t-shirts proclaiming themselves committed to feminism.

The t-shirts were rapidly withdrawn after it was revealed that the wearers work in cramped conditions with up to sixteen feminists to a 17th century hand-upholstered bench. Charities have pointed out that £62 per hour is barely enough to afford a luxury holiday to Mauritius, and is well below the so-called (pocket) Lining Wage.
Going Viral – 14th Octopus 2014

In other news, routine screening starts today at ports and airports for passengers entering the UK who may be suffering from UKIP.

Going Viral – 14th Octopus 2014

In other news, routine screening starts today at ports and airports for passengers entering the UK who may be suffering from UKIP.

The government have brought in these emergency measures, fearing an epidemic of UKIP, following recent high-profile infections, such as that of Douglas Carswell in Clacton-upon-HepatitisC.

Passengers landing at Heathrow from high-risk areas, such as Essex and the disenchanted North, will be asked routine questions, such as “Are you fed up with absolutely everything?” In some cases, medical tests will be carried out (high blood pressure and profuse, angry sweating are classic symptoms of UKIP).

Health experts last night warned that the measures would have little effect. However, supporters of the screening regime point out that it can work: for example, the Liberal Democrat virus has now been virtually eliminated.

What the Press say:

Lady in (the) Red – 24th Novella 2015

To Russia With Love – 6th Novella 2015

The Paul Foot Guide to the Labour Leadership Election – 4th Septet 2015

Heath Row (ie. argument) – 7th Julie 2015

Greek Tragedy – 22nd Juniper 2015

Barbie Queue – 19th Juniper 2015

First Past the Ghost: The Paul Foot Guide to Tactical Voting – 6th Mayonnaise 2015

Prince Charles is in his Late 70s – Shocker – 30th Janitor 2015

Sweaty Talking Shop – 3rd Novella 2014

Going Viral – 14th Octopus 2014