Paul Foot

Hancock’s Half Hour – 11th Novella 2022

As ye may know, Matt Hancock, former Secretary of State for not following your own rules, and star of (CC)TV, is appearing in I’m a Celebrity Get Me Me Out Of Here. This got me thinking: which other politicians could appear on reality television…

Antiques Roadshow – Jacob Rees-Smog

Former Secretary of State for climate change denial, Jacob airs his views about everything from gay marriage to the importance of nannies on this popular programme. Will the experts identify which of his comments are from the 1970s, which are from the 1830s and which of them are just plain old-fashioned? Broadcast just prior to matins on St. Arsehole’s Day, with subtitles in Latin.

The Apprentice – Liz Truss and Kwasi Kwarteng

The two inexperienced wannabes are set a simple task: don’t crash the U.K. economy by being totally reckless and taking advice from no one. Viewers watch in horror as the pound slides within minutes of the show starting. Before long, the hapless pair are in the boardroom, where they refuse to take any responsibility for what happened, blaming Putin, the financial situation on Mars, and each other. Liz sacks Quasi to try to save her own skin, but soon she’s fired herself by Sir Karren Brady. Please note: this programme cost around £40 billion to make and your children and grandchildren will pay for it.

Who Wants to be a Millionaire? – Boris Johnson

Cash-strapped Boris is struggling to feed his family of multiple children and ex-wives while jetting round the world and buying wallpaper. Can he answer 15 questions whilst lying throughout? The audience is on tenterhooks, knowing that just one truthful answer would mean that he loses the money. Fortunately, he is easily able to fib about everything and leaves the show with the full million (paid for by an anonymous donor).

Escape to the country – Suella Braverman

Suella hosts this daytime staple in which people facing torture and persecution all round the world try to escape to the country (United Kingdom). Suella has some lovely properties to show them, such as a tiny bedsit (sleeps thirteen) surrounded by razor wire and armed guards. Will the contestants choose to stay or gamble for the star prize: a holiday of a lifetime (ie you’ll never leave) in Rwanda? Viewer discretion advised: contains distressing scenes of Suella pretending to be human.

The Seventy-Year Itch – 20th Apricot 2022

Elizabeth Regina has sat on the throne being ahead of state since 1952 and to celebrate this there will be a weekend of events. Here is the schedule:

2nd Juniper

Pooping the Colour, Hoarseguards Parade

No one does pageantry like the British. 150 stinking horses and sweaty soldiers in bearskins, plus a couple of Beefeaters put on a stunning display, watched by a handful of confused American tourists. Her Majesty is unable to attend due to mobility problems (she can’t stand…Camilla).

3rd Juniper

Service of Thanksgiving, Westminster Cabbie

As a Christian, religious ceremonies are very important to Her Majesty, which is why she only cancels her appearance at the last minute. Stealing the limelight is Our Kate, dressed in a timeless £4700 Alexander McTosh gown, £17000 Jimmy Snore black velvet shoes (in a tribute to Princess Diana, who also once wore black shoes) and showing her thrifty common touch with a pair of white gloves that she wore once before to a banquet in 2018 and cost less than one thousand pounds.

4th Juniper

Buckingham Palace balcony waving session

The entire royal family appears and um, er… waves and, well, that’s it. Due to security concerns (that they might be attacked by Prince William or Princess Anne), Harry and Meghan wave from a separate balcony, while Prince Andrew waves from a small open window in the basement.

5th Juniper

Pop concert at the Palace

Despite it being her life’s ambition to watch Rod Stewart yet again, Queen Elizabeth II doesn’t turn up. After seventy years of public service, I think she’s earned the right to give Rod a miss once in a while.

P&Off Ferries – 25th Marsh 2022

Fancy a trip away? Why not try P&O Ferries?

+ We sail from several ports, where you can easily spot our ships by the sight of 800 shell-shocked former staff looking devastated nearby.

+ Wave goodbye to U.K. employment regulations, as you head out into international waters under a flag of convenience.

+ Hear the cries of “All aboard!” This means it’s time to check that all board members of P&O (Pee & Off) Ferries have generous salaries, pensions and share options. Then, why not contribute to parent company DP World’s dividends by purchasing a snack in the restaurant (don’t bother getting too friendly with the staff onboard – you’re unlikely to see them again on the return trip!)

+ Visit the onboard cinema. Watch Pirates of the Carry on Being Served – a film about cut-throat ruthlessness and betrayal on the high seas, and hilarious single entendres in the workplace, such as, “Mr Humphries, are you free?” “I’m free (or at least cost no more than £1.30 an hour)!”

+ Sign up to our convenient text service. Receive an SMS* informing you of progress on the journey and whether any staff on the ship have lost their jobs (same way that they find out).

* A small service fee of 20p applies, plus the loss of all your rights and dignity.

+ Arrive at your destination refreshed and ready to fill in the Brexit paperwork. Please note that there will be a short delay before you can disembark, while the crew are removed by security guards and replaced by cheaper agency staff.

+ Satisfied with your journey? Think we could make any improvements? Why not fill in our customer feedback form and then throw it into a nearby bin. You can be assured, no one will ever read it.

+ Remember we get you to your destination quicker and for less, as we cut corners.

+ Thank you for travelling with P&O. Now Pee Off!

Truth Bomb – 28th Fabruary 2022

What a world we live in! A Prime Minister under police investigation; the Royal Family hit by scandal; and war! But don’t worry, things seem bad, but we have the best possible people leading us. We are certain to get out of this mess with some of the most skilled and honourable statesmen in international history running things.

BORIS JOHNSON

The finest thing to happen to our country since May (May 2019 when Terroresa May was deposed (or “stepped back”, in the language of top princes, Harry and Andrew (see below for more about Andrew (that’s enough parentheses for one sentence)))), Booris has a work ethic second to none. Even when there was a party occurring in his office or flat, he would just carry on working. Sometimes he would even dance to a song by Abba, while making a decision about PPE, and being ambushed by a cake. He is also a Crime Minister who, more than any of his predecessors, has a big commitment to the Police – in fact, he is currently helping them with their enquiries!

Not only do we have a brilliant Prime Minister, we also have incredible civil servants, who, on the eve of Prince Philip’s funeral, as the Queen, the Royal family and the nation sat in stunned grief, had a stupendous booze-up, in an attempt to keep up the spirits (vodka mainly – it’s said that sales went up by 85% in the Westminster area that night) of the entire nation.

VLADIMIR PUTIN

Few world leaders have such a focus on peace. While others would assign just a small number of tanks, he has sent in a huge army on their important peace-keeping mission in Ukraine – backed up by fighter jets, bombs, missiles and heavy artillery, naturally, as any self-respecting servant of peace would. His actions have been applauded by influential world figures such as himself and also former Kremlin spokesman Donald Tramp.

PRINCE ANDREW

A great asset to the Royal Family, His Formerly Royal Highness is a man of unparalleled integrity. Not many would be so honourable as to pay a load of money to a woman he’s never met in order to spare her the humiliation and distress of a courtroom cross examination in a case that she would indubitably have lost, as she’s never met him, including in Tramp Nightclub, or any of the other places worldwide where they didn’t meet. He will be sorely missed on the balcony this year at the Queen’s platinum jubilee (as he’ll be eating a pizza at the time); however, in the morning and in the going to press of The Sun, we will remember him.

Thank you, Andrew, Boris, Vladimir (and Donald) for everything you do for truth, probity, peace and justice in our whirled.

Damage (Statue of) Limitation – 13th Janitor 2022

Dear Connoisseur,

Merry New Year! Let’s kick orff twenty-twenty-two, the Chinese year of the owl, with an explosive Tropical Article:

Boris Johnson has apologised for attending a lockdown party with Virginia Roberts. Talking (as an uncharacteristic Covid precaution) through his hat, Booris said, “I’ve never met Ms Roberts (aka Ms Guiffre when she was on the young side) and even if I had, which I haven’t, I’d have assumed it was a work event, and would have got pissed, like everyone else and anyway I can’t comment further until a civil servant has investigated and uncovered the bleeding obvious/produced a whitewash in exchange for an OBE.”

Meanwhile, the D*ck of York has been forced to deny that he lied in order to get into Australia. A statement issued on behalf of Whince Andrew by expensive yet not very good lawyers said, “His Royal Haughtiness has never been to Melbourne and at the time he is alleged to have been competing in the Australian Open was enjoying his nine inch meat feast with a stuffed upper crust at Pizza Sexpress, Woe-king, whilst clutching at straws.”

Meanwhile, Novax Djocovid was sweating profusely as he answered questions about a party he attended in Clowning Street shortly after he tested positive for Covid. He said, “I only attended as I didn’t want to disappoint anyone by not giving them Covid as well. I was socially distanced at all times (apart from any photos I appear in, in which I am not socially distanced, of course) and was no danger to anyone, as I am fully vaccinated against logic.”

All three court cases continue.

Viral Massage – 2nd Decadence 2021

Journalists around the globe have reacted with shock after world leaders were accused of getting things about right in their response to the Omicron Covid variant. Whilst left-wing newspapers continued their daily articles about how the new restrictions do not go far enough, and right-wing newspapers continued their daily articles about how the new restrictions go too far, epidemiologist and stand-up comedian, Professor Chris Witty, known for his dry delivery and slow-burning* punchlines, said, “It’s important that we take the risks of the new variant seriously, and not just assume it is totally harmless and not even wear masks and cough directly into shopkeepers’ faces, but also don’t just shut down everything and cripple the economy and ruin everyone’s lives either. Overall, I think the world has got it about right.”

*two years or longer

In other developments:

Royal experts say that if Princess Diana were still alive, she would have responded to the new variant in the same way, i.e. got the balance about right.

Does anyone ever get the original version of coronavirus any more, before all the variants, or has that fallen out of fashion?

For those of you who were not schooled by Jacob Rees-Mogg’s nanny, the variants of Covid are named after letters of the Greek alphabet (omicron is the Greek small o). It is good to know Ancient Greek and Latin, if one is to be pretentious. As I say to myself every morning: “Cathago delenda est.” It means “Carthage must be destroyed”. It is important not to forget the important philosophies and lessons of history.

The new variant could have been named the Xi variant (another Greek letter) but wasn’t in order not to offend the President of China and so was named the O-Macron variant in order to offend the “quasi-ineffective” President of France.

Quite a few people are currently suffering from the common cold.

Following a shambolic few weeks for PM Boris Johnson, former Prime Minister Tony Blair would be turning in his grave, if he were not still alive.

No Royal Pain, No Financial Gain – 18th Mayonnaise 2021

The tropical article below is my longest article ever, and is probably the longest article I will ever write, because it must necessarily trawl through 1300 years of misery. Strap in.

So, Prince Harry, in a recent podcast, has criticised his upbringing. He said “there’s no blame, I don’t think we should be pointing the finger or blaming anybody” before going on to do just that: pointing the finger and blaming Prince Charles for being a bad father. But, as Harry says, it wasn’t really Charles’ fault. He was only a bad father because his parents, The Queen and the recently late HRH The Prince Philip, were, themselves, terrible parents ( having a name that includes the word ‘the’ in it seems to be an indicator of bad parenting skills). Harry says “there’s a lot of genetic pain and suffering that gets passed on…”. I shall stop Harry there because he witters on for over 4 hours. Instead, I wish to forensically investigate the cycle of royal pain* that has led to Harry’s pain (in the arse).

*technical note – there would be 2 to the power of 41, ie. 2199023255552 possible ways to follow Harry’s ancestry back (too many, even for this long article). I have chosen just one line, always going from child to parent (instead of following the standard list of the kings and queens and that, what you get in the history books). Eg. Elizabeth I is a world-famous monarch, but she didn’t have no babies so I’m not interested, because she couldn’t pass down no trauma through poor parenting. Also, Prince ‘Arry is a direct descendent of William the Conqueror, for example, but William the (as he was known informally to his friends) doesn’t feature in this list, because that’s one of the other 2199023255551 potential bloodlines I could have followed if I’d had time but didn’t.

So, we all know from the documentary The Crown that QUEEN ELIZABETH II was a cold and distant mother to Charles, but it wasn’t really her fault. She was a bad mother because of her upbringing, you see.

Her father, GEORGE VI, famously had a stammer that caused him to have a temper, causing him to lash out at his nearest and dearest, but that wasn’t his fault.

Because his father, GEORGE V, was a strong disciplinarian, who browbeat his son, causing him to have a stammer, but then…

EDWARD VII was renowned as a playboy prince and serial womaniser before he ascended the throne. What a terrible father he must have been to poor George. But that wasn’t his fault:

His mother, QUEEN VICTORIA, was a total misery after Prince Albert died and even blamed her son for his death. What a shocking mother! But then…

PRINCE EDWARD, DUKE OF KENT died when his daughter Victoria was 0 years old. Useless father!

GEORGE III was mad. No wonder his son Ed was a bad father.

FREDERICK, PRINCE OF WALES, died when George III was only 12. Not much better than that hopeless Edward, Duke of Kent. Must have scarred little George. But Fred didn’t have much of an upbringing himself.

His father, GEORGE II, left poor little Freddy behind in Germany when he came to England and didn’t bother to see him for 14 years.

GEORGE I married his first cousin, Sophia Dorothea of Celle. Is it wise to marry your first cousin? Anyway, it was a broken marriage. George had Sophie Dorothea imprisoned in a house in her native Celle (where the frig is that?) where she stayed until she died more than 30 years later. She was denied access to her children and father and forbidden to remarry. George I really was a ghastly husband and father. But then…

His mother, SOPHIA OF THE PALATINATE, ELECTRESS OF HANOVER, was probably too busy trying to work out what her titles even meant to be a decent mother, but then you can’t blame her.

Her mother, ELIZABETH STEWART, ELECTRESS OF THE PALATINATE AND QUEEN OF BOHEMIA (what?) had 16 children. I doubt she had much time for any of them.

Her father, JAMES VI OF SCOTLAND AND JAMES I OF ENGLAND AND IRELAND (that’s the same person, all right?!) was apparently too busy with his gay lovers, The Duke of Buckingham, The Duke of Lennox and The Earl of Somerset (separate people) [why couldn’t he just meet a normal man in a club like all the other gays?] to be a decent father. Mind you, he’d had a difficult childhood.

His mother, MARY, QUEEN OF SCOTS, abdicated, giving James the solemn duty and relentless hard work of being monarch…from the age of 13 months. So Mary wasn’t a perfect mother, but what about her upbringing?

Well, her father, JAMES V OF SCOTLAND, loved Mary to bits. He read her bedtime stories, played with her and generally doted on her until he died…when Mary was 6 days old. Hopeless!

His father, JAMES IV OF SCOTLAND, died when James Jr. was 1. Not much better.

But then his father, JAMES III OF SCOTLAND, married his wife when she was just 13. Shocker!

JAMES II OF SCOTLAND died in a slapstick cannon-based death when some ordinance he’d bought from Flanders exploded by mistake outside Roxburgh Castle. That must have been terribly traumatic for his 29-year-old son (James III, i.e. James Jr. Sr.)

JAMES (yes, another one!) I OF SCOTLAND was assassinated when his son was only 6. Not great.

His father, ROBERT III OF SCOTLAND, married Anabella Drummond when she was about 15. They had 7 children and he also had 2 illegitimate children. You can take it from me, he wasn’t a good daddy.

But not as bad as ROBERT II OF SCOTLAND, who had 26 children, including one called Robert, but that wasn’t Robert III – his real name was John.

His mother, MARJORIE BRUCE (no relation to popular Antiques Roadshow presenter Fiona Bruce), died the same year that Robert was born. Did she die in childbirth perhaps? No, she fell off a horse, aged 19-20. Hopeless!

Her father, ROBERT I THE BRUCE, was once attacked by an English knight. Rob smashed the knight’s skull in half with such force that he broke his axe. Afterwards he merely expressed regret that he had broken his favourite axe. A psychopath, and certainly no father.

Robert’s father was called ROBERT BRUCE, and Robert Bruce’s father was also called ROBERT BRUCE (distant relation to popular newsreader Fiona Bruce). Considering they couldn’t even be bothered to think of a new name for their children, I think we can be pretty confident they weren’t great dads.

Robert Bruce Sr. Sr. Sr.’s mother was ISABELLA HUNTINGDON, born in 1199. Little is known about her by historians, but you can take it from Harry, she was a bad mother. But…

Her father, DAVID OF HUNTINGDON, upon whom the legend of Robin Hood may be based, had 10 children, 3 of them illegitimate. Yet another dysfunctional father. But again, it wasn’t his fault, he was only passing on the genetic pain.

Dave’s father, HENRY OF HUNTINGDON, died on 12th June 1152, the same year that Dave was born. Historians don’t even know whether Henry died before or after his son was born, but safe to say, he wasn’t around much.

His father was DAVID I (a monarch – there were a few just there who weren’t. Did you notice? What a bore!) David is an official Catholic Saint, but was he really that saintly?

His mother was SAINT MARGARET OF SCOTLAND. Another one covering up her deficiencies under the cloak of sainthood.

Her daddy, EDWARD ATHLING was known as Edward the Exile. He spent most of his life in Hungary following the defeat of his father by King Cnut (spellchecker required/anagram checker encouraged). Eddie arrived back in England in 1057 with his wife and children but died within a few days. It was basically a long family holiday gone wrong.

EDMUND II IRONSIDE died the same year as his son, little Eddie the Exile Athling, was born. Another of those make-a-baby-then-drop-down-dead characters! Why did so many of these historical figures go to any length to avoid child maintenance?

His father was ETHELRED II THE UNREADY. Strictly speaking he wasn’t unready, but poorly advised. The word “unraed” means poorly advised in Ye Olde English (You Old English) and is a pun on Ethelred’s name, which means well-advised. That joke probably wasn’t even funny a thousand years ago. The point is, Ethelred must have been a cringe worthily embarrassing father with his Dark Ages dad jokes. “Ooh, I’m unraed and also Ethel-red. Get it?” “Shut up Dad!”

But what about Ethel’s father, EDGAR THE PEACEFUL, KING OF THE ENGLISH? Edgar heard of the great beauty of a lady called Ælfthryth so he sent his mate Æthelwald (we’re going so far back in the history of the royal genetic pain that we’re having to use letters of a long-obsolete alphabet now) to arrange marriage for him (Edgar) but Æthelwald, instead, married her himself. In retaliation, Edgar made sure that Æthelwald was killed in a hunting “accident” and then Edgar married her, as he had wanted. What Ælfthryth thought of all this is not known, but I think we can be reasonably confident that it was a dire marriage and they were bad parents to poor(ly advised) Ethel. Also, he called his son a name very close to the lad he killed. What a weirdo! Not his fault though…

EDMUND I THE ELDER died when his son Edgar was only about 2. He was murdered. More pain! He died aged just 24-25, so why was he called Edmund the Elder? Plus, he was also known as Edmund the Deed-doer, Edmund the Just, and Edmund the Magnificent. Clearly an inadequate man, like an impotent lothario in a flashy sports car.

Edmund’s father, EDWARD THE ELDER (ah, okay, that’s why Edmund was called the Elder then – fair enough) died when his son was about 2 (again!!). Pathetic! Why couldn’t they live long enough to be proper fathers? And my question still stands. Why the frig did they keep calling themselves the Elder? Anyway, I digress, I’m here to get to the root of Prince Harry’s pain, not talk about this.

His daddy, ALFRED THE GREAT, the legendary ruler and warrior king, born 848/9, died 26^th October 899, King of the West Saxons 871-circa 886 and King of the Anglo-Saxons circa 886-899, father of England, brave, wise, noble and great monarch, man of extraordinary wealth, generosity and benevolence, bringer of all that is just, virtuous and good, suffered his whole life with haemorrhoids. Very disagreeable father.

His father, ÆTHELWULF, KING OF WESSEX, went on a pilgrimage to Rome in the 850s, when his son, lil Alfie the Great, was only 1 or 2. Not dissimilar to how Queen Elizabeth II left her young children when she took a trip out in the Commonwealth. You can see where she got it from.

His father, ECGBEORHT, KING OF WESSEX, was too busy spending his life fighting people with strange names like Beornwulf and Wiglaf, King of Mercia to be a decent dad. Plus, his name was the strangest of them all.

And finally, his dad was EALHMUND OF KENT (Prince Harry’s great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great grandad), who was King of Kent in 784 (King of Kent?! They did things a bit differently back then). We don’t know anything about Ealhmund. We know nothing about his life, nothing about his ancestry. This is as far back as it goes. But we can be pretty sure that Harry’s troubles started with him, or else one of his useless ancestors. But anyway, the point is, it wasn’t Harry’s fault. Nothing ever is.

A word about the future:

Harry has said he’s going to break the cycle of pain for his son, Archie, and impending daughter. But what about Prince William, Duke of Kate Middleton? Is he breaking the cycle of pain? Or is he just passing down all that anguish from 784 AD or earlier to little George, Charlotte and Louise.

The pain continues…

Spot the Royal Racist – 15th Marsh 2021

A Racist in the Family – the runners and riders in the spot the royal racist competition:

So, who was the racist that palace escapees Harry and Megs were referring to in their low-key interview? Here are some of the bookies’ favourites:

3-1 His Formerly Royal Highness Prince Harry, Dupe of Sussex

Was it all a double bluff? Perhaps it was Harry himself. After all, he once dressed up in a Nazi uniform for a fancy dress party, and on another occasion used a racist term to describe an army colleague of Pakistani heritage (in good humour and without causing any offence, which is nice). Was it third time lucky for the wannabe racist? Did he say the racist comment, casing himself to be offended?

100-1 His Royal Hideaway Prick Andrew, Duke of Yuk

Meg and Harry said they didn’t want to reveal who had made the comment, as it would be very damaging to them. This would seem to rule out Andrew, as his popularity is already at rock bottom, meaning that this allegation could only boost his popularity, at least with racists. Besides, Andrew’s the least racist of all the royals. He’s slept with loads of different women and he wasn’t bothered about what countries any of them were from.

15-2 His Racist Highness Whince Philip

Harry said it wasn’t him, but perhaps that was another double bluff. If it wasn’t him, it would be the first time in his life he’d failed to make a racist comment when the opportunity was present. Perhaps that is why doctors feared for his health recently. Perhaps he got up one morning, failed to cause offence, and so was rushed to hospital.

Prince of Rails – 9th Decadence 2020

Kate and Wills’ whistlestop, morale-boosting tour of Britain has been proclaimed a big success. As the royal train super-spreaded its way round the country, Sky News journalist Kay Burley was the first to praise the privileged couple. “High-profile public hypocrites like me, Margaret Ferrier, Dominic Cummings et al having been saying for months now that it’s one rule for us and another for the common folk. Now, finally the royals have shown by example that they care about us celebrities.” Double lockdown-busting multi-millionaire Rita Ora added, “It’s been a tough year for me. People don’t understand what it’s like being incredibly rich, but I think their royal spinelessnesses do. Their trip has really boosted my morale; in fact, I think I’ll throw a party to celebrate.”

The couple have also been widely praised for eschewing a private jet, unlike their American rivals Harry and Megs, in favour of travelling, just like us, by train. Apart from having beds, baths, a drawing room, library, chef, dining room etc.; the royal train is virtually indistinguishable from the 8.09am Dorking to Waterloo via Tulse Hill standing room only service. Not only do the publicity-seeking duo now know their way round the country, they also know their way round a loophole, since their trip was exempt from strict travel rules, as it was a “working” trip.

2020 Hindsight Calendar – 26th Novella 2020

Looking for a Christmas gift? Look no further than my 2020 Hindsight Calendar! It’s an opportunity to look back on 2020 and reminisce about how much better you’d have handled the Covid crisis, if you’d been in charge  – with the benefit of hindsight! Features include:

January: a stunning satellite image of the Earth pre-Covid, showing it covered in smog and pollution (comes with free rose-tinted spectacles).

February: a gorgeous photograph of Princess Megloom Sparkle and Whince Harry, taken while they were still vaguely relevant.

March: a screenshot of The Right Dishonourable Boris Johnson & Johnson (sponsored) delivering his lockdown address to the nation, in the days when people still listened to him.

April: the picture this month is one of those puzzles where you have to look at it with a squint until you see the hidden image. It looks like a normal photo of Durham, but as you peer closely, can you see Dominic Cummings, and smell, specially embedded in the paper, the stench of hypocrisy? If not, don’t worry, neither can the police!

May: a picture of the Seychelles – one of the many places you couldn’t visit this year. Features a wave breaking on the shore.

June: continues the non-travel theme with a picture of a Caribbean beach – features a second wave!

July: a photo of your bathroom – one of the few places you did visit this year.

August: Princess Diana photographed in a stunning tiara. It’s just 23 years since she died. On a special fold out feature for the month, we explore how the Queen of Hearts would have dealt with coronavirus.

September: a maze, featuring all the u-turns the government have made this year. Can you solve the maze and escape? They can’t!

October: Captain Sir Tom Moore, hero of the hour, pride of Covid Britain, fridge/fanny magnet.

November: instead of a photo, this month we have a stunning montage of clichés, including:

“We need to learn to live with it”

“We must be grateful for our NHS heroes”

“It is what it is”

“Government need to take control of the country”

“Government need to devolve control to the regions”

“Don’t kiss me, Sandra, or my grandma will die”

December: a cut-out-and-keep map to guide you to your nearest job centre.

The calendar costs £47. Don’t worry if it doesn’t sound much and you’re worried I won’t make a profit – the government will top it up to a respectable £300 per calendar and future generations will pay!