My life’s work
Here is an inventory of all the comedy Paul has created, including work in progress. Some of it can be seen on youtube videos and on your television screen from time to tide. The list does not include topical humours, which he does often – in which he forensically probes the issues of the day through the medium of role-play (He plays all the roles).
Key:
PF: a Paul Foot favourite
virgin: never performed
1: has only been perfomed once
| Name of section | When used / invented | Where can be seen / heard | Notes |
|---|---|---|---|
IMPROVISED PLAY / MUSICAL / OPERA |
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| PF | Recurrent | My Secret shows | |
FALSE INTRODUCTIONS |
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| PF An appearance from Danny Stumbles | Early 2011: Ash in the Attic | My Ash in the Attic CD | |
| PF The ‘Melbourne start’ | Mid to late 2011: Ash in the Attic / Still Life | Was nominated for an award for this introduction | |
| ‘No applause’ start | 2010: Ash in the Attic | ||
| PF Rising applause levels | 2018-2019: Image Conscious | Princess Michael of Kent and the school for autistic children, an all-expenses-paid holiday to South Sudan & Judy Murray blasted into space | |
IMPROVISED CHARACTERS |
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| PF 1 Car personalities | Fabruary 2009 | Appeared at a secret show | |
THE HOVERCRAFT SYMPHONY IN GAMMON # MAJOR |
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| Get Rich Quick Scheme (Dinner Parties) | 2014: Hovercraft Symphony | ||
| Hindu Chancer | 2014: Hovercraft Symphony | ||
| Cauliflower Baby | 2014: Hovercraft Symphony | My secret personal favourite from the Hovercraft Symphony. | |
| Problems in Orbit: The Airlock Humour | 2014: Hovercraft Symphony | ||
| Dilemma regarding ABBA | 2014: Hovercraft Symphony | ||
| Gusset | 2014: Hovercraft Symphony | Inspired by an incident in Mauritius when I had to go to the airport with a damp gusset after my trouser didn’t dry in time. | |
| Cheap Aquarium Gags | 2014: Hovercraft Symphony | ||
| Boner | 2014: Hovercraft Symphony | I invented this in Room 91 of the Adina Hotel, Melbourne, whilst not having a boner. | |
| A Reptile Dysfunction: The Ups and Downs of Living with Snakes | 2014: Hovercraft Symphony | This joke was improved upon halfway through my Edinburgh run by an anonymous audience member who’d seen the show and bumped into me by chance on a street corner. A rare instance of the audience writing part of a show. | |
| PF Reggae Cleaner | 2014: Hovercraft Symphony | The first inspiration for Literal Surrealism | |
| ABBA Recap | 2014: Hovercraft Symphony | ||
LITERAL SURREALISM |
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| PF Lady Toilet Cleaner | 2015: ‘Tis A Pity She’s A Piglet | The first piece of Literal Surrealism – created by me and Aaron, along with the concept of Literal Surrealism, in the Caribbean in Janitor 2015. | |
| PF The Big Dove | 2015: ‘Tis A Pity She’s A Piglet | Arguments continue over whether this is actually Literal Surrealism or surrealism. Created over a gin and orange at Bermuda Aerodrome at 9.30am, to the surprise of others in the craft. | |
| PF Businessman, Sits on Chocolate | 2015: ‘Tis A Pity She’s A Piglet | Took form at Gatwick Aerodrome, over a lobster cloud. | |
| PF The Pepper Room | 2015: ‘Tis A Pity She’s A Piglet | Invented by me in a nyce restaurant called Bomba in Melbourne, during a vermouth. | |
| PF Home Terrorist Kit | 2015: ‘Tis A Pity She’s A Piglet | Politically devastating. Written in Verona. | |
| PF B.O. Baby | 2015: ‘Tis A Pity She’s A Piglet | ||
| PF Immigration X-Factor | 2015: ‘Tis A Pity She’s A Piglet | ||
| PF Breakfast | 2016: ‘Tis A Pity She’s A Piglet | Created in Southend-on-Sea/Hawaii writing sessions. | |
| PF Homeless TV Chef | 2016: ‘Tis A Pity She’s A Piglet | ||
| PF Internet Troll with girlfriend | 2016: ‘Tis A Pity She’s A Piglet | ||
| virgin Whirling burka | 2016 | ||
| PF Bigoted Spiderman | 2016: ‘Tis A Pity She’s A Piglet | ||
| PF Shariah Carey, the Muslim popstar | 2016 | ||
| PF Farmer without father | 2015: ‘Tis A Pity She’s A Piglet | ||
| PF Oscar Pistorius | 2016: ‘Tis A Pity She’s A Piglet | ||
| Jesus-loving Indian takeaway chef | 2016 | Another from the Southend-on-Sea/Hawaii writing sessions. | |
| PF Star-gazing prossy | 2016: ‘Tis A Pity She’s A Piglet | If you spend your life gazing through a telescope, you may not see the bigger picture | |
MADNESS |
Humour that is meaningless yet inexplicably amusing. | ||
| PF Madness 1.0 | 2012: Kenny Larch is Dead | ||
| PF Madness 2.0 | 2013: Words | ||
| PF Madness 3.0 | 2014: Hovercraft Symphony | ||
OBSERVATION/EXAGGERATION |
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| PF Schooldays | 2016: ‘Tis A Pity She’s A Piglet | ||
| PF Married Couple, Holiday Hell | 2016: ‘Tis A Pity She’s A Piglet | ||
| PF Funerals | 2016: ‘Tis A Pity She’s A Piglet | ||
| PF Tabloid words | 2016: ‘Tis A Pity She’s A Piglet | ||
| PF Ambulance Drivers/RNLI/Blind dogs | 2018 | ||
| PF The Royals | 2018-19: Image Conscious | A damning verdict on the state on the royal family, written and performed rather presciently before Prince Andrew ruined his own life on the BBC and Harry ran away from home to become an orphan abroad. | |
| PF Masterchef | 2018-19: Image Conscious | ||
| PF Restaurant menus | 2018-19: Image Conscious |  |
Locally-sourced food and crusty rolls are placed under my microscope. |
| PF Dads | 2018-19: Image Conscious | There’s something wrong with dads. | |
| Inspiring old person has an accident | 2021 | ||
| P.E. lessons | 2021 | ||
| Wedding spoiled | 2021 | ||
| virgin Einstein | 2021 | ||
| Santa | 2020 | ||
| Pirates | 2020 | ||
| Jack the Ripper | 2020 | ||
| Theme Parks | 2020 | ||
| Rhinos & Pandas | 2020 | ||
| Lifeboats & airline safety | 2020 | ||
| Dragons’ Den (Trolling) | 2019 | ||
ESSENCES |
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| Lesbian terrorists | Fabruary 2012 | ||
| PF Wheelchair Assasin | Fabruary 2012 & 2014: Hovercraft Symphony | Once, in Cardiff, I was approached by a genuine wheelchair assassin, whilst performing this piece. Luckily, he enjoyed the humour and I retained my life. | |
| Grandpa Grapefruit | Fabruary 2012 | |
|
| Cecil’s Pudding Face | Fabruary 2012 | ||
| Aboard the Burlington Coffee | Fabruary 2012 | ||
INCIDENTS
|
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| Library |
Late 2011 | ||
| 1 Buddhist | Late 2011 | ||
| PF Gay Slapstick |
Late 2011 & 2014: Hovercraft Symphony | Homosexuality doesn’t necessarily lead to slapstick accidents, but it might. | |
ACCIDENTS |
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| PF School assembly discus demonstration |
Late 2011 | Someone’s head gets lopped orff. | |
| 1 The bee’s dilemma |
Late 2011 | ||
| 1 Family man’s stupidity on a railway train |
Late 2011 | Someone’s head gets lopped orff. | |
| 1 Rushed spaceship docking |
Late 2011 | Someone gets sucked orff into space. | |
DISTURBANCES
|
Read off the backs of hand/Foot-decorated cards | ||
| PF City Folk | 2013: Words | ||
| PF Immigrants | 2013: Words | ||
| PF Lucille | 2013: Words | ||
| PF Homophobia levels | 2010-2011: Ash in the Attic | My Ash in the Attic CD. A shorter version is on youtube | |
| Seaside | 2010-2011: Ash in the Attic | My Ash in the Attic CD | Very silly |
| PF Asthmatic businessman | 2010-2011: Ash in the Attic | My Ash in the Attic CD | Even sillier |
| Finger puppy | 2010-2011: Ash in the Attic | My Ash in the Attic CD | Ludicrous |
| In Vino Veritas virgin | 2016 | ||
| Clumsy faghag family virgin | 2016 | ||
| Circus | 2010-2011: Ash in the Attic | My Ash in the Attic CD | |
| Telephone – cat | 2010-2011: Ash in the Attic | My Ash in the Attic CD | Can theoretically last for ever |
| Labrador | 2013 | ||
| Suburban prossy | 2010 | ||
| PF Pub loser | 2010 & 2013: Words | ||
| Animal Plurals | 2013 | ||
| Party balloon | 2010 | ||
| Ready meal | 2010 | ||
| School teacher discipline | 2010 | ||
| PF Supermarket anagrams | 2010/2012: Kenny Larch is Dead | UK | |
| PF Airline anagrams | 2013: Kenny Larch is Dead | Australala | |
| PF Dalai Karma | 2010 | ||
| Handsome accidents | 2021 | ||
| Wheelchair boat launch | 2021 | ||
| Angela Lansbury lesson | 2021 | ||
| Grandad up the chimney | 2020 | ||
| B&Q alibi | 2020 | ||
| Female guide dog | 2020 | ||
| Saveloy | 2020 | ||
| Brenda’s space rocket | 2020 | ||
| A dog who’s 9 | 2020 | ||
| Gallows humour | 2021 | ||
| Ski jump carbonara | 2021 | ||
| Gay or menopausal | 2021 | ||
| Ken Doherty | 2021 | ||
| Jesus in the pipes | 2020 | ||
| Satirical | 2021 | ||
| Dick Pounding | 2021 | ||
| Shop assistant gift voucher | 2010 | ||
| Orchard peregrinations | 2010 | ||
| Betrayed in previous life | 2010 | ||
| Sea of Tranquillity | 2010 | ||
| Ottoman Empire | 2010 | ||
| Gok Wan | 2010 | ||
| The Slalom Is My Solace | 2010 | ||
| Writing on the wall | 2010 | ||
GLIMPSES |
Some say that glimpses are remarkably similar to disturbances, but I refuse to accept this | ||
| PF Clumsy prostitute | 2011-2012: Still Life | ||
| Sphinx | 2011-2012: Still Life | ||
| PF Pineapple-themed shop | 2011-2012: Still Life | Is never performed in Australala as the audiences down under are too sympathetic towards the pineapple-themed shop’s rival (whose life goes wrong) and forget to laugh. | |
| PF Skeleton Johnston’s chair leg son | 2011-2012: Still Life | The fairy godmother of Madness 1.0, which is itself the sperm donor father of Literal Surrealism. | |
| PF Edible waitress | 2011-2012: Still Life | ||
| PF Cheddar collection | 2011-2012: Still Life | Totally different to the Cheddar Collection fantasy – an entirely different tragic tale involving a world-leading collection of cheddars. | |
| Wedding ruined | 2011-2012: Still Life | ||
| Sexual hermit | 2011 | ||
| PF Barry Goose, apprentice undertaker | 2011 & 2013: Words | ||
| The Lard family’s barbecue meltdown | 2011 | ||
| Questiontime bodily explosion | 2011 | ||
| Rice lady slain outside newsagent | 2011 | ||
| Brenda leaves high finance | |||
| Cunnala Barker – barn casual | 2011 | ||
POEM/THOUGHT |
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| Bee versus wasp | 2016 | ||
SILLINESS |
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| PF Vans | 2009: By the Yard | ||
| PF Shire horses | 2010-2011: Ash in the Attic | Is performed about once every three years. | |
| PF Open University | 2009: By the Yard | |
|
| PF 1 Apples | 2010 | ||
| PF Windmills | 2012 | Windmills are disgusting. Utterly gross. | |
| PF Skeleton Johnston: Puppet Collapse | 2013: Words | ||
| PF Imperial vs. Metric | 2016: ‘Tis A Pity She’s A Piglet | ||
| PF Soft-shell crab | 2018-19: Image Conscious | |
|
| PF 1 Actions Speak Louder Than Words | 2013: The Great Debate – Australia | |
|
| Northern Ireland tiny size | 2021 | ||
| Dolly mixture | 2010 | ||
| Shoes – shiny or scuffed | 2009 | ||
| PF Isn’t life a palaver? | 2010 & 2013: Words | ||
| PF Increasing price of a Chinese takeaway | 2003 | I filmed this for the Edinburgh and Beyond TV show | Can last up to 51 minutes, in extreme versions |
| Ken Doherty | 2009 | ||
| Rude Politicians’ Names virgin | 2016 | Invented during a dinner in Hawaii Big Island | |
| 1 Rod Stewart | 2009 | ||
| 1 Unfounded celebrity allegations | 2010 | ||
| The weather | 2003 | The original Paul Foot improvisation | |
| PF Rockery vs. rookery, brush vs. bush | 2010 & 2013: Words | ||
| 1 Eurotunnel | 2010 | ||
| PF 1 Supermarket bag explosion / Al Qaeda feet detonation | 2011 | ||
| 1 First stumble of the season | 2011 | ||
| 1 I bet you couldn’t mark a moose | 2011 | ||
| virgin Fiona Bruce’s massive gut | |||
| 1 Gay adoption | 2010 | ||
| Critically endangered marmoset/platypus | 2018-19: Image Conscious | ||
| virgin Samosas at dawn | 2021 | ||
| Poirot | 2020 | ||
FANTASIES |
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| PF Cheddar Collection | 2012: Kenny Larch is Dead | ||
| PF Madame Tussauds Chamber of Horrors cleaner slapstick | 2012: Kenny Larch is Dead | ||
| PF Problems in Heaven | 2012: Kenny Larch is Dead | ||
| PF Melancholy Beekeeper | 2012: Kenny Larch is Dead | The sadness of the apiary. A love affair ended close to some honey. | |
| Astronaut miscalculations | 2012: Kenny Larch is Dead | She made some small errors with a few figures. She didn’t deserve to lose her whole family to Saturn’s rings. | |
| Famous rooster | 2012: Kenny Larch is Dead | ||
| PF Sue Johnston, Icarus of the trampoline | 2012: Kenny Larch is Dead | ||
| PF Single wasp dad | 2012: Kenny Larch is Dead | ||
| Five, not alive | 2012: Kenny Larch is Dead | ||
| Rainforest lives up to its name | 2012: Kenny Larch is Dead | ||
| PF Lesbian salmon salad lovers | 2012: Kenny Larch is Dead | Two lady fishes who left it too late. | |
| PF Jesus and Lucifer | 2012: Kenny Larch is Dead | ||
| Modern art gallery alarm | 2012: Kenny Larch is Dead | ||
| PF Linda McCartney sausage party | 2012: Kenny Larch is Dead | She lost a leg and then the plot. | |
| “The Sanctuary” | 2012: Kenny Larch is Dead | ||
| PF The Mayor and the Olympic flame | 2012: Kenny Larch is Dead | ||
| PF Sexually naive gymnastics expert | Fabruary 2012: Kenny Larch is Dead | ||
| PF Save-a-flush haute cuisine tragedy | Fabruary 2012 & 2014: Hovercraft Symphony | ||
| PF Bourbon creme suburban S&M snooker orgy | 2018-19: Image Conscious | ||
| Circus suicide | 2020 | Between 2005 and 2008 this used to be a rant. If you have previously seen it in the rant section, do not adjust your monitor. THERE WAS A REASON! | |
| Should have gone to Specsavers | 2021 | ||
| Beetle wedding | 2020 | ||
| Watermelon | 2009 | Improvised after a man said 3 words | |
| Secretary fails RADA audition | 2003 | One of my original fantasies. Absolutely pointless. | |
| 12 Deaths of Xmas | 2015 | Performed at Secret Shows. | |
| PF Taking revenge against a bed and breakfast landlady | 2003-2009: By the Yard |
Over 34 minutes in its full version. | |
| Wedding ruined – kilt | 2009 | Traditionally told at Christmas Secret Shows. | |
| Wedding ruined – presents chipped | 2004 | ||
| 1 Hawker’s ‘Death With Dignity and Good for the Environment’ Funeral Service | 2010 | ||
| 1 Monkey and shredder | 2010 | ||
| 1 Arse on telegraph pole | 2009 | ||
| PF Grenda O’Reilly | 2009/2012: Kenny Larch is Dead | ||
| Brussels Eurostar bedspread | 2010 | ||
| Shirley Bassey’s dangerously loose leg | 2010 | Surprisingly similar to Dionne Warwick’s dangerously loose leg | |
| PF Dionne Warwick’s dangerously loose leg | 2009 | Completely different to Shirley Bassey’s dangerously loose leg | |
| Granny smashes vase | 2003 | ||
| Red Letter day with Angela Lansbury | 2010 | A Christmas Secret Show staple. | |
| 1 Women’s Institute environmental talk | 2010 | ||
| Grandma and her lies | 2021 | ||
| Terrorist on chatshow | 2021 | ||
| Pixies et cetera | 2021 | ||
| Grandad’s armchair | 2021 | ||
| 1 Lost pony | 2021 | ||
| 1 Morose organist | 2021 | ||
| Maid and Posh Lord | 2021 | ||
| 1 Cat on roof of fish shop | 2021 | ||
TAPESTRY |
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| virgin Tapestry – cadaver and traffic warden | 2021 | A tapestry is carefully written. It just goes on. It has no beginning and no end. It is pointless. The idea was to have one that could go on many hours, but this one just goes on for 5 minutes. This is because tapestries have no commercial value, and performing them is career suicide | |
NONSENSE |
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| PF The Nonsense Game | 2008-2012: Still Life | ||
CHARACTERS |
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| virgin Nanna | 2007 | ||
| virgin Daily Mail bigotry corner | 2007 | ||
| 1 The drunkard | 2008 | ||
| 1 Debate against myself on sex before marriage | 2011 | Performed in Trinity College Dublin. | |
| virgin Dariah Crumpet | 2009 | ||
| Gloom and misery | 2000 | The gloomy reaper, portent of doom. | |
| Failed Beefeater | 1999 | Filmed it for the BBC in 2001 | |
| virgin Professor Power Station | 2004 | ||
| virgin Sergeant Suicide | 2004 | ||
| 1 Lord Ghost | 2004 | ||
| Trawlerman | 2008-2011 | ||
| The Killer / Grim Raper | 2008-2009 | ||
| Sad Frank / 1 Notebook Neil | 2008-2009 | ||
| Pirate | 2005-2011 | ||
| PF Penny | 2010-2012: Still Life | Takes things to the next level | |
| 1 Japan-style Jonica | 2009 | ||
| PF Inspector Foot of the Yard | 2010-2011 | Part of the Scotland Yarn series of irrelevant murder mysteries. | |
| PF Skeleton Johnston | 2011 | Half Skeleton, half Mr. Johnston | |
| virgin Biggles | 2005 | ||
PF
MIMES THAT END WITH SAX SESSION |
Non-silent | ||
| War widow receives message from pigeon | 2006-2007 | ||
| The Cheddar collection | 2006-2009 | ||
| Clog maker | 2006-2011 | ||
| Dolphin centre | 2008 | ||
| Apple turnover | 2008-2009 | ||
| Fishmonger / cat sanctuary | 2008-2009 | ||
| Cricket woman | 2008 | ||
| Harpsichordist | 2008 | ||
| Hawk enthusiast | 2009-2011 | ||
| International hawk expert and monocle | 2008 | ||
| Arctic ark | 2008 | ||
| Hot dog / burger love | 2008 | ||
| Victorian wringer and mirror beast | 2008 | ||
PF
MIMES THAT DO NOT END WITH SAX SESSION |
Non-silent | ||
| Silver service waiter on the Titanic | 2007 | ||
| Antiques Roadshow | 2007: Comedy for Connoisseurs | ||
MUSICAL |
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| PF Charon’s Barbecue Hell | 2010: Ash in the Attic (Edinburgh version) | Accompanies Rachmaninov’s tone poem ‘Isle of the Dead’ | |
| PF virgin Dramatique accompaniment to Sibelius’ 4th Symphony | |||
| virgin “He’s My Guy” room collapse | Is also a mime | ||
JACK CULLEN PUPPETRY |
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| PF Comedy performance by Jack | 2010 | |
My puppet, whom performs his own routine and does other things |
DEEP STUFF |
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| Living room concerns | 2006 | ||
| Stationery shops | 2006 | ||
| PF The Loneliness | 2007 & 2013: Words | The profoundest of all my comedy pieces | |
| PF Men don’t like beer | 2006-2011 | |
An extended version exists that probes the reasons for gay babies |
| 1 Alcohol | 2009 | ||
| 1 Is homosexuality inherently amusing? | 2009 | ||
LIFE-CHANGING SYSTEMS |
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| PF S.A.F.E. (Sexual Awkwardness-Free Encounters) | 2007 | Ties in to my loneliness section | |
RANTS |
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| PF Old Ken | 2015: ‘Tis A Pity She’s A Piglet | ||
| PF Schooldays | 2016: ‘Tis A Pity She’s A Piglet | ||
| PF Funerals | 2015: ‘Tis A Pity She’s A Piglet | Rant emerges from a piece of Madness 3.0 | |
| PF Cake | 2006-2011 | |
Versions exists between 2 and 32 minutes in length |
| PF Baby on board signs | 2006-2011 | |
|
| Down the tubes | 2009-2011 | |
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| Gregg Wallace | 2018-19: Image Conscious | ||
| virgin The Environment | 2012 | ||
| Soap opera helplines | 2009-2011 | ||
| Early morning fascists | 2007-2011 | ||
| The London Eye | 2007-2008 | ||
| Tesco is evil | 2008 | ||
| PF Firemen are show-offs | 2006-2011 | |
|
| Crazy golf | 2003 | ||
| PF Toast | 2008-2011 & 2013: Words | Can last up to 51 minutes – my longest rant | |
| 1 James Dyson | 2013 | Useless hoover and air blade | |
| Uri Geller | 2008 | ||
| The Olympics / golf / tennis | 2009-2010 | ||
| Jesus, the carpenter | 2007-2010 | ||
| Bars at closing time, nightclubs + no service at bar & clearing away empty glasses | 2009 | ||
| School sports days | 2007-2011 | |
Unsuited to America |
| 1 Over-friendly Northerners (UK) | 2009 | Unsuited to the north of any country | |
| Sick to death of having to go to the toilet | 2003-2011 | ||
| People who’ve done a bit of travelling and think they’re all superior | 2006-2011 | |
Rarely performed, now I’m a member of the international jest set |
| Computer hackers | 2006-2009 | ||
| virgin Pets | 2001 | ||
| PF Food allergies | 2007-2012 | My Ash in the Attic CD |
|
| Beggars asking for spare money | 2008-2010 | ||
| Sudoku puzzles | 2006-2011 | |
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| Computer space bar lengths | 2008 | ||
| Global warming a good thing | 2009 | ||
| Benches dedicated to dead people | 2007-2008 | ||
| Tea and coffee | 2012 | ||
| 1 Prefer anonymous rip-off | 2010 | ||
| 1 Having to enjoy yourself while dancing | 2010 | ||
| Waiters / cashiers | 2009-2010 | ||
| Vibrators | 2002-2004 | ||
| People with no phone credit | 2006-2007 | ||
| 1 Show jumping sadness | 2010 | ||
| 1 Greenland semi-independent | 2010 | ||
| 1 Bewitching women cadging cigars | 2010 | ||
| 1 Couples in love | 2008 | ||
| 1 Double-barrelled names | 2010 | ||
| 1 Life is all mapped out at school | 2010 | ||
| 1 Meringue | 2010 | ||
| 1 Bus drivers | 2010 | ||
| 1 Person without an umbrella | 2010 | ||
| virgin Lying about arrival times to friends | 2010 | ||
| Gay sex | 2010 | ||
| 1 Teeth | 2010 | ||
| 1 Carol McGiffin | 2010 | ||
| 1 Showbiz career obituaries | 2010 | ||
| 1 Bill Turnbull | 2010 | ||
| 1 Punch a Post Office | 2010 | ||
| 1 Caroline Quentin | 2009 | ||
| Charity climbers | 2009 | ||
| Ellen MacArthur | 2021 | ||
| Ships passing in the night | 2020 | ||
JOKES |
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| PF Lesbian airlock | 2018-19: Image Conscious | |
|
| You’ve Been Framed | 1999-2002 | ||
| Budgerigar | 1999-2011 | |
|
| Boxer | 1997-1999 | ||
| PF Norfolk | 1995-1999; 2011 | ||
| PF Hobbies | 1997-2002 | ||
| Curling | 2004 | ||
| Mother-in-law | 1999-2011 | (rare) | |
| Junior Cluedo | 2009 | ||
| PF Merry-go-round | 1997-2011 | Won an award with this joke in 1997 | |
| Locker | 2003 | Performed on TV in a 55-second act | |
| PF Best lover + vagina | 1997-2002 | ||
| virgin Predictive text | 2009 | Have never bothered to say this joke in public | |
FILM RE-ENACTIONS OF THE FILM TITANIC |
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| Titanic re-enaction | 2020 | the only known piece of comedy in this genre | |
NOVELETTE |
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| Judy Cardigan | 2007 | ||
SKETCH |
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| 1 1920s soirree | 2009 | A solo sketch performed by Paul Foot’s One-Human Sketch Troupe | |
| PF Rewiring electrics death | 2005, 2009 | Performed with a man (I play a woman) | |
| PF “Presentation” | 2005, 2009 | Ideally performed with a woman | |
| PF Jeanette Cunny | 2005 | Performed with Russell Kane | |
PF
MURDER MYSTERY |
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| The Barbaric Bludgeoning at Truffle Towers | 2006 | I star as Inpector Foot of Scotland Yarn | |
| 1 The Mystery of the Yule Clog | 2009 | I star as Inpector Foot of Scotland Yarn | |
BEDTIME STORIES |
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| PF Dariah Crumpet | 2009 | Told in Edinburgh in pyjamas on a pink bus | |
ANECDOTES |
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| Granny story | 2012 | ||
| Ghost train | 2007 | ||
| Dad stories | 2004 | ||
| Lancaster Castle | 2020 | *mixed with lies | |
| Edinburgh Dungeon | 2020 | ||
QUESTIONNAIRE |
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| Questionnaire | 2003 | ||
LECTURES |
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| Crime | 2002 | Written on giant boards | |
| 1 Relationships | 2006 | Powerpoint presentation | |
| 1 Saturnday nights | 2006 | Powerpoint presentation | |
| 1 The Universe | 2006 | Powerpoint presentation | |
REPORTS |
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| 1 Crime | 2008 | ||
| Relationships | 2008 | ||
| Saturnday nights | 2008 | ||
| The Universe | 2008 | ||
| 1 Schadenfreude | 2008 | ||
| School | 2008 | ||
| Wine | 2008 | ||
| Small talk | 2008 | ||
| Flying | 2008 | ||
| 1 Computers | 2008 | ||
| 1 Cricket | 2008 | ||
| 1 Rugby | 2008 | ||
| 1 Golf | 2008 | ||
| 1 Tennis | 2008 | ||
| 1 Snooker | 2008 | ||
| 1 Transport | 2008 | ||
| The United States of America | 2008 | ||
| Summer | 2008 | ||
| 1 Kings and Queens | 2008 | ||
| 1 Television | 2008 | ||
| Eating Out | 2008 | ||
| 1 Common colds | 2008 | ||
| 1 Travellers | 2008 | ||