As you know, our country faces one of its biggest ever decisions. I don’t mean the decision about Brexit itself: that’s a straightforward choice ...
Brexit Broadcasting Corporation – 30th Novella 2018
As you know, our country faces one of its biggest ever decisions. I don’t mean the decision about Brexit itself: that’s a straightforward choice between the current deal, no-deal, a Norway or Canada plus arrangement, or a second referendum. Easy. No, I mean the thorny and complex issue of what sort of Brexit debate Theresa May and Jeremy Corbyn will have this Sunday. Our esteemed political leaders cannot even agree on which channel they want to be on!
Here I give a summary of the possible options:
1. David Attenborough’s Brexit Documentary
Dave uses hidden cameras to film the wild political animals in their natural environment: Theresa in her strong and stable position and Jeremy in his usual pose, sitting on the fence. He even manages to capture some rare footage of the lesser-spotted Vince Cable, as well as a few Tory dinosaurs.
2. Brexit Come Dancing
Our TV screens dazzle with a thousand sequins as we watch Conservative and Labour remainers dance together. Can they put aside their differences in tempo and remain in step? The show concludes with Theresa performing a sad solo dance and Arlene Foster performing the dance of the seven veiled threats.*
*obscure joke relating to the Richard Strauss opera Salome, and its Dance of the Seven Veils. Look it up!
3. I’m a European, Get Me Out Of Here
Time for the Brexiteers to shine. Watch them in the political jungle as they attempt to swallow a number of unpalatable things, such as EU regulations, European Court of Human Rights rulings and that friggin’ backstop.
4 Debate about the debate
The politicians cannot agree on what sort of Brexit debate they want, and so we simply watch them in the House of Commons have a debate about the debate until everyone gets so angry the nation literally splits into pieces and sinks into the sea.
Hate crime? Why not do a hate crime?Forget bank robberies and muggings, the smart criminal of today is turning toward an ...
Hate crime? Why not do a hate crime? – 24th Octopus 2018
Hate crime? Why not do a hate crime?
Forget bank robberies and muggings, the smart criminal of today is turning toward an altogether easier type of misdemeanour: the hate crime. Let’s go over the options:
1. Ryanair flight mouth-off
Upon boarding a flight from, say, Barcelona to Stansted, why not issue a tirade* of abuse at a perfectly pleasant 77-year-old disabled lady and her daughter, whom you want to move seats? Don’t worry – the spineless Ryanair cabin crew won’t have you thrown off the flight or anything like that – so be sure to throw in lots of racism into the insults. A fun way to start a flight. All the frequent flyers are doing it these days – in the frequent flyer lounges it’s a near-constant mix of aggression, intimidation, insults and violence. And champagne.
*abuse should always take the form of a tirade (or, in emergency, a volley). If it were not for the use of the word tirade in this context, then the word would die out!
Welcome to this new word that most of us hadn’t heard of until about a week ago: misandry – the hatred of men. The government has been considering whether to make misandry a hate crime. Now that misogyny has been completed eradicated from society, I’m sure we’d all agree that the very serious and all-pervading crime of misandry needs addressing. Misogyny is so last millennium (and countless millennia before that), so the chic on-trend criminal is turning to misandry as the go-to felony. Remember those insults you can shout at men, such as, “Hey, hunk, you’re so strong!” and “I bet you’ve slept with loads of women, you adonis.”
3. Join the army
If you’re too nervous to commit a hate crime yourself, why not join the army and pose for a photo with cuddly Tommy Robinson* and enjoy the hatred by proxy.
*in the interests of balance, I should point out that Our Tommy has never been convicted of a hate crime – only various assaults, using someone else’s passport, mortgage fraud and contempt of court. Nice man.
Conservative, Labour - which party is more divided and totally ineffectual? Here is a profile of the state of play of the two main parties and their ...
Divided and Ruling – 5th Septet 2018
Conservative, Labour – which party is more divided and totally ineffectual? Here is a profile of the state of play of the two main parties and their beleaguered leaders:
Leader: Terrorisa May, Leader of the Opposition
Summary: The Conservative Party has spent most of the last few months arguing about what Brexit means, as Terrorisa May has refused to accept the internationally accepted definition of Brexit. Many opponents within the party are urging her to adopt the controversial definition, but she has thus far resisted, simply insisting that “Brexit means Brexit”, and saying that she has always been a lifelong opponent of anti-Brexitism. Her main rival within the party, Boris Yeltsin, has challenged her again this week, accusing her of not knowing what Brexit means, whilst repeatedly declining to tell anyone what he thinks it means. With the party bitterly divided and immersed in these internal squabbles, they have not been effectively holding the government to account, as it negotiates one of the biggest changes in our history.
Leader: Jezebel Corbyn, Prime Minister
Summary: The government, under Jezebel Corbyn, has been busy trying to negotiate our exit from Israel. They have pointed out that they are not anti-Israel, just delivering on the referendum result that we should leave Israel. But with a huge percentage of our trade being with Israel, many are questioning whether this is wise and what would happen in the case of a “no deal.” The government has been busy stockpiling dates and couscous, in case of such an eventuality. Jezebel Corbyn’s party is totally divided between those who favour a soft exit from Israel and those who think we should leave the Middle East entirely.
The world has reacted with jubilation to the rescue of trapped members of the Cabinet. The politicians became trapped in a dangerous cave, known as 10 ...
Tie Land – 10th Julie 2018
The world has reacted with jubilation to the rescue of trapped members of the Cabinet. The politicians became trapped in a dangerous cave, known as 10 Downing Street – deep underground and far removed from reality. The first of the Wild Bores to be rescued was a weak specimen called Davis Davis; followed by Boris Johnson, who had spent months in perilous conditions, trying to deliver Brexit.
There was an outpouring of gratitude to the brave backbenchers who worked day and night to extricate the MPs, who’d been totally out of their depth – unable to even swim, let alone put together coherent policies. It had been expected that all members of the cabinet team would be freed but, to everyone’s surprise, several of them decided to remain in their bunker, including their coach, Theresa May – who has faced criticism for getting the team into the mess in the first place. With the monsoon rains about to fall, it is not expected that we’ll hear anything sensible from them this side of Christmas.
The BBC have abolished all journalism and the reporting of news. Instead, they have replaced traditional news stories about important events with ...
No News Is Good News – 5th Juniper 2018
The BBC have abolished all journalism and the reporting of news. Instead, they have replaced traditional news stories about important events with non-stories about things that don’t matter, and exhaustive analysis of what various nobodies wrote on Titter about the aforementioned non-story.
For example, take today’s BBC lead story about how fist-rate presenter and bucket-list celebrity Kirsty Allsoap sits in business class on aeroplanes with her kiddies sitting over twenty feet from her in economy. How dare she? What if the cabin were to lose pressure and her sprogs got sucked off while she shat behind a snooty curtain ‘quaffing’ (journalists’ favourite cliche) champagne. The fact that it didn’t happen and there were no problems and it’s none of our business has got NOTHING TO DO WITH IT!!
Here is a summary of how all future news stories will be structured:
1. 11 words of half-hearted journalism about not much.
2. An archive photo of the person who stars in the non-story meeting Princess Anne fifteen years ago.
3. A full rundown of the Twitter “backlash” (including screenshots).
4. To make up for the fact that this all looks woefully threadbare, the remainder of the news page is taken up with user comments such as Angela Balls-Chegwin, of Hampton Wick, getting very worked up about everyone getting so worked up over nothing – “Haven’t you all got better things to do than talk about this? I know I haven’t.”
This week I have decided to put sell-by dates in the spotlight. Here is a list of things that are now past their sell-by date: 1. Sell-by dates Or to ...
Sell-by Dates & Privacy – 24th Mayonnaise 2018
This week I have decided to put sell-by dates in the spotlight. Here is a list of things that are now past their sell-by date:
1. Sell-by dates
Or to be more precise, best before dates, which are subtlety different – does anyone notice or care? Anyway, Tesco is removing their best before dates from some of their fresh vegetables etc., so you can now just have a look at the item and use common sense to decide whether or not to eat it, rather than chucking it away just because some arbitrary date on the plastic packet (which, ironically, makes the produce sweat and last less long!) has passed.
2. World peace
Remember the heady days of cuddly Kimmy Jong-un and friendly Moony Jae-in holding hands and hugging at the border between the Koreas, with much hope of an official end to the Korean War and nuclear disarmament and other goodies? Well, all that’s off now, because the summit between loveable Kimmy and a mad leader with little respect for press freedoms or the rule of law (Donald Tramp) is off. This is after the Americans said some really catty things about the North Koreans and the North Koreans said some bitchy things back and now the President of the Freak World has written a petulant letter to say that he is very upset about all the nasty things said and so Kimmy can just forget about meeting him and world peace and jelly and ice cream and everything!
3. The pathetic excuses of Emile Cilliers.
Adorable Emile has been found guilty of twice attempting to kill his wifey, by the methods of interfering with gas fittings in their home to try to cause a fatal explosion and, when that didn’t work, cutting vital parts off her parachute before arranging a special jump for her as a ‘treat’! Well, some treat, Victoria fell at horrendous velocities from the sky, but luckily landed on a hay stack and that’s when the court case started! Innocent-looking Emile said that a random killer must have interfered with the parachute – so that’s explains that one – and as for the gas fittings, the excuse is um, er… Anyway, surprisingly. the brainy jury found two- (actually, three-)timing nutter and would-be life insurance fraudster Emile guilty.
4. Not caring about your privacy
In an unpresidented move, 11 backstabbing Tory MPs have rebelled against Crime Minister Terrorisa May. The Rebel Alliance, led by General Dominic ...
Rebel Without a Clause – 16th Decadence 2017
In an unpresidented move, 11 backstabbing Tory MPs have rebelled against Crime Minister Terrorisa May.
The Rebel Alliance, led by General Dominic Grievous, has been castigated in many quarters, with the Daily Maelstrom accusing some of them of drinking wine after the vote, which is a European drink, and proves further that they have betrayed the nation.
Some of the rebels have also had their Tory credentials called into question. Kent Clark, who has served in over 4,378 Tory governments since his mysterious arrival from the planet Krypton, has been accused of lying about his identity, after he swooped in at the last minute and saved the day. When questioned, Clark, who wears glasses, flew off into the sky.
Typical leave voter and non-racist, Barry O’Spaniel, had the following to say on the matter: “I just think they’ve betrayed us, you know? We voted to leave, so why do they need to work out any further details? You know, we live in a democracy, so why do they have to vote on every little thing?”
Barry’s wife, Langoustine O’Spaniel, had more to say on the issue, “I just don’t think these people are proud of this country. I am. I have the Union Jack on everything in my house. Tea towels, bedspreads, carpets, toilet paper, absolutely everything.”
Across the aisle, the Labia party is overjoyed, as it won a vote for the first time in over a decade.
The Cabinet minister Andrea Leadsom has announced she is stepping down from being a woman with immediate effect. The former Tory leadership affront-runner ...
Woe Men – 3rd Novella 2017
The Cabinet minister Andrea Leadsom has announced she is stepping down from being a woman with immediate effect. The former Tory leadership affront-runner said in a statement that her behaviour has in the past fallen short of the very low standards expected of a woman by misogynists.
A number of other high profile females are expected to resign their posts as women in the coming days, as the Westminster scandal about the behaviour of women towards sleaze-bags continues.
Among the allegations spraying around the Commons teat rooms are:
• Women cruelly rejecting the advances of dirty old men, causing the ageing casanovas to feel very uncomfortable and upset.
• A journalist spurning full-frontal bench MP Michael Felon’s hand on her knee by threatening to punch him in the face – a serious criminal offence!
Meanwhile, in a BDSM development, Theresa May has re-erected the career of her chief whip, Gimpy Williamson, making him the Sexretary of State for Re-offence.
An airline has apologised to some passengers after it actually flew them somewhere. The customers had already boarded the aircraft and taken their seats ...
Fight or Flight – 26th Apricot 2017
An airline has apologised to some passengers after it actually flew them somewhere.
The customers had already boarded the aircraft and taken their seats and were expecting to be told to leave/dragged off at any moment to make way for off-duty staff members etc when the plane unexpectedly took off and flew to its destination.
The visibly shaken family had booked non-refundable accommodation and upon landing were forced to enjoy their holiday.
The airline’s chief executive has since issued a public apology, stating, “No one expects to get on our craft and not be forcibly removed by police and have at least two teeth broken. We are deeply sorry that they didn’t get the full service.”
The family, who were not threatened or roughed up in any way even by cabin crew, is understood to have been served a selection of wines, soft drinks and a hot meal during the flight and is now suing for undisclosed damages.
Theresa Mayonnaise has reiterated her call that, "Breakfast means breakfast and we are going to make a success of it." She says we can remain in the ...
Breakfast: The Latest – 20th Octopus 2016
Theresa Mayonnaise has reiterated her call that, “Breakfast means breakfast and we are going to make a success of it.”
She says we can remain in the single muffin whilst retaining control over our bacon.
“Are the French really going to stop selling us their croissants, the Germans their sausages, and the Spanish their omelettes?” added Philip Ham, Chancer of the Exchequer.
There are others, such as former Prime Minister, Hash Brown, who argue that the UK has never made a rasher decision than the vote for breakfast and that the economy is now toast and will go down the frying pan.
In smoked-filled mushrooms throughout Whitehall, Britain’s top mandarins are now thrashing out whether breakfast will be a cooked affair or more of a fruit salad.
Meanwhile, the PM has repeated her mantra: “Breakfast beans breakfast.”