Episodes of Midsomer Murders That Were Axed

Paul Foot Midsomer Murders

This is my second ever blog post on the PAUL FOOT WEB LOG, also known as my P-Flog.

No time to muck about. I want to get straight into it! My second ever blog post is all about my favourite episodes of Midsomer Murders that were AXED. That’s right, episodes that were effectually murdered themselves, and hence never made it onto our tellies. Do not ask me how I happen to have this incredible inside knowledge about a TV series that I have absolutely nothing to do with and didn’t really even watch. Let’s get cracking…

1) The one where the murder method was exfoliating shower gloves

Due to a subliminal network advertising deal with Dove, this episode of Midsomer Murders showcased a particularly sensitive murderer who tried to dispose of middle-aged divorcee Hilary Splatt via the method of some new and improved exfoliating shower gloves. Not only was the scene mega awkward, with the murderer approaching Hilary in the shower and Hilary after the initial fright being a bit like “Er, what are you doing mate?”, but after two days of nail-biting scenes of heavy cleansing and unblocking pores there was still no sign of Hilary dying whatsoever, in fact, she looked slightly younger and rejuvenated if anything – the cameramen tried to zoom in on the ends of her fingers which had gone all wrinkly but focus groups in post-production remained heavily unconvinced.

2) The Harvest Festival episode

In this episode of Midsomer Murders the vicar was forced at gunpoint to eat the village’s harvest festival collection in its entirety, including six tins of pineapple chunks (which he had to open painstakingly with the rim of a candelabra) After several hours of slow eating in silence, the vicar showed no signs of dying whatsoever, in fact, he looked somewhat revitalised after a multipack-pack of nutritional milkshakes, and a little bit aroused (the candelabra had to be taken off him) The scene couldn’t be used, firstly because of the food packaging which crossed the interests of network advertisers, and secondly because a vicar smearing himself in fruit cocktail chunks while pleasuring himself with a candelabra wouldn’t even pass on Channel 5, let alone primetime ITV.

3) The Meta episode

Ah yes. In this episode of Midsomer Murders the actors discuss their experiences of acting in a TV series called Midsomer Murders, how the pay is better than Holby City or doing end-of-pier pantomime but still not enough for a nice holiday etc. Meanwhile the producers live in nice houses which aren’t being stalked by murderers – the injustice of it all! The characters feel increasing pressure from having to fulfil both their day jobs in the village of Midsomer and their full time acting schedule of Midsomer Murders, as well as their characters’ off-screen jobs in the script (carried out for consistency) and their part-time jobs outside of Midsomer to fund their underpaid acting careers. All of the characters die of confusion, some of them still in character – others just in general as human beings. The producers put all of the footage into a secure vault for future documentary licensing sales.

4) The one with the Botty Killer

THE BOTTY KILLER!!! He’s just like a normal killer. He just likes to show his bottom, that’s all !!! In this episode a character called Jane opens her kitchen blind, and what does she see…. A BARE BOTTOM! Parading around a stranger’s kitchen showing off his bottom – it’s the BOTTY KILLER!!! He has quite a nice bottom (as do many killers, despite it rarely being mentioned in true crime books) Yes, it’s an oft overlooked phenomenon. Preferable method of murder for the Botty Killer? Nail gun. It’s too much. Episode axed. Finito. Gone. The bottom scenes were quite nice though, audiences could have warmed to that bottom trust me. The Botty Killer’s bottom could probably have been rolled out onto profitable merchandise lines in time for Christmas too – Botty Killer pencils cases, Botty Killer lunchbox, Botty Killer packets of tissues. But It wasn’t to be. However –  The Botty Killer ALWAYS STRIKES BACK!!! (And then shows off his bottom)

5) The one where the characters are murdered via the humane method of dying from natural causes

They thought this episode ticked all the right boxes. Not only was the murderer a vegan asylum seeker but she was considerate, humane and environmentally friendly in her killing methods (if you don’t acknowledge the carbon footprint that a long healthy life accumulates) Anyway, the murderer lashes out on the village of Midsomer but subliminally, by letting each character die of natural causes over the course of decades. Each character thinks they’ve got away lightly, as he or she watches the sunset from his or her’s old people’s home box room window,(a view partially obscured by newsagent-bought Get Well Soon cards and cheaply framed photographs of relatives smiling uncharacteristically) But it’s not a natural death, because as the audience can see, the humane murderer had it written on her Chinese New Year wall chart all along! Apart from the audience cannot see that, because the episode was axed. Just like the audience cannot see that they too are being slowly murdered by time himself/herself. What larks!


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