Mauritius Diary – Septet 2012

Thirsty 6th Septet 2012 AD

I rose at 12.28 pm and took a bath. I was now within one hour of my holly day and so was very excited. At two of the clock, I got into the taxi to take me to the aerodrome. The holly day had officially started now. I manoeuvred my luggage which consisted of one box containing 29 kg of newspapers (every copy of the Sunday Times since 15th January and one copy of the South China News) and one 29 kg case containing personal effects into the aerodrome of Heathrow. My luggage weighed more than me. Soon I was relaxing in the departures area. I had a shoulder and neck and scalp massage from a human woman and also a massage from a massage chair machine and sampled the flavoured oxygens of Heathrow from the oxygen bar and ate watercress soup and croutons and tortellini and pastrami and strawberries and cream and a Bloody Marie and a Martini and bitter lemon and Pimms (TM) and got on a craft bound for Paris and ate apple tarte and spinach mousse and a miniature pizza and a miniature baguette and two chocolates and drank champagne and got off and transferred to Terminale 2F by bus, which was very fun and took ages driving all round the airfield, and drank mineral water to clear my head and took a shower and got on a big airship and drank champagne and some more champagne and ate potato salad with parsley, fillet of smoked salmon, smoked duck terrine, crushed chestnuts in honey, baby spinach and roasted fillet of duckling with mango compote and fennel and could not manage the cheese platter or the cocoa-kirsch genoise with tropical fruit and coconut and was about to fall asleep when the very nyce air hostess insisted I had a nightcap of mint tea and Chartreuse and fell asleep for ages and then watched a show called Best Exotique Hotel Marigold with Judi Dench and Maggie Smith and whatnot which was funny and very silly and then watched a show called Groundhog Day which I had never seen before and was excellent and then had fresh exotic fruit all cut up, cereal, yoghurt, croissant and jam and omelette with ricotta cheese cream sauce with chives and cherry tomato and I love Air France it is very good and the cabin crew are fantastic and the food is delicious and then we landed straight into an anti cyclone at Mauritius and it was very bumpy and I exited the airport and Siddick drove me to Jim and Jan’s house and Jan was delighted with her 29 kg of newspapers to read and I unpacked and then we went out for supper and had crostini and salad and duck half moon pasta and chocolate mousse and Campari and soda and I forgot what the starter was and before supper we had cocktails of Blue Lagoon and Pina Colada and and then I went to sleep and slept for seventeen hours and then I went swimming in the sea and it was not as warm as last time as it is winter here but it was still very warm and then I went swimming in the sea and it was the coldest day in Mauritius ever due to the anti cyclone but it was still warmer than England and then we went out to Mauritius’ first and so far only Russian restaurant and I had a Russian miscellaneous cocktail and vodkas and Pink Pigeon Mauritian rum and blinis with caviar and Chicken Kiev and spoke to some drunk people and got home late and we watched an episode of Cheaters and then slept for many hours and then I opened a windfall coconut and ate it and felt a bit sick and went swimming and we dined at Luigi’s and I had water and crab soup and spaghetti with fruits de mer served in foil and white chocolate mousse and dark chocolate mousse and we watched TV and then I slept for ten hours and ate gruyere and emmental and a croissant and went swimming and stayed in with Jim and Jan and had local butcher-made burger and salad and watched a horroir film and slept for twelve hours and went swimming and went out for an Indian meal and ate too much and could not manage any ice cream from the ice cream shop and watched a film about supernatural ballet shoes that destroyed the world and two episodes of Lawn and Order and went to bed and opened and consumed a coconut and went swimming and ate a miscellaneous meal that Jan cooked and watched a horroir film about astral travel, which is almost as frightening as Astra travel, with their dodgy gearboxes and went to sleep and woke up and thought about going on a cruise for 47 minutes and then stopped thinking about cruises and went walking by the beach and splashed in the sea but did not swim because the tide was out and the sea was too shallow and then went swimming in the pool and then fell asleep in the bath and then had a dinner cooked by Jan and then watched a film about loads of people dying down a cave which was based on real events and then ate a massive amount of cheese and thought about what Jan would say in the morning when she saw how much cheese was missing and then stopped thinking about this and watched a film called Made In Dagenham about women striking in 1968 as they wanted equal pay with normal people and I cried all the way through and the film was based on real events and then I stopped weeping and I did some writing and then stopped writing and went to sleep and slept for many hours and then it was time to go out and there was no time for swimming and we went out for a meal by the seafront at Caudan by Port Louis and I had squid stir fry and two Blooming Marys and then we drove up into the mountains and watched the opera which was La Traviata and my favourite parts were when the man stood up from time to time to bang his kettle drum and the lady did the same with her side drum and when another man stood up and crashed the cymbals then Verdi really meant business and then Violetta died and everyone clapped for ages in French and then we went to a mall and I had chocolate mousse with gourd jelly, tomato jelly and courgette jelly which was very unusual and nyce and a glass of local stout beer and squid as well and then we drove homo and I thought about La Traviata all night but not before we had watched a TV show about murder and then I went swimming and Jim and I rowed his rowing boat across the bay to a nearby hotel and got drunk on cocoloco cocktails and rowed back under the influence and then went to Rivoli which is a posh Italian restaurant and had a miscellaneous amuse bouche and cheese and ham selection and fruits de mer squid ink risotto and Campari martini cocktails and white chocolate grappa and then we watched a show on TV about aliens and cowboys in which Daniel Graig didn’t smile once but then he never does and then I went to sleep and went swimming and got dressed up to go to a five star hotel for drinks but then Jim said we weren’t going and I got into my pyjamas and cooked tagliatelle carbonara for the three of us and then we watched a show about parallel worlds and a lot of death and misery and whatnot and had our starter which we had forgotten about which was houmous and toast and chocolate fondants and then there was a power cut and we went to bed and when I woke up there was still a power cut even though a man called Pierre said it had been repaired after a palm leaf fell on an electrical cable and then I opened the washing machine door and water came out but luckily it dried within about five minutes as it is the tropics here and I decided to delay my washing until tomorrow after the shock of what happened and then I went swimming in the pool and ate pizza and watched a supernatural show and had a doze and did my washing and went to the cafe with jan for kiwi fruit juice and omelette and had a cocktail in Cokoloko and ate Moroccan sausages and watched a show called Indecent Proposal and did some writing in my special book that weighs seven kilograms and had a sleep whilst it rained all night and the next day was the coldest day in Mauritius ever with air temperatures of around 20 degrees and an icy 19 degree wind and freezing 18 degree rain although it warmed up in the evening and we went to the Sunset Cafe for a pina colada and the Beach House for roasted dorado fish and more pina coladas and I stayed up all night watching my favourite parts of Made in Dagenham over and over again and did writing and was very excited about going on a holly day within a holly day, which I shall explain shortly and eventually I fell asleep and by then it was 6am and I had hardly any sleep before I had to get up as Jim and Jan were going on holly day and I was going with them, except I was already on holly day, which meant I was going on a holly day within a holly day – a sort of holly day squared – and we drove through Port Louis and the town of Grapefruit to Flic en Flac in the south of the island, which took ages as it was Ganesh’s birthday so there were lots of roads blocked with elephants made of flowers etc and I think Ganesh the elephant god is my favourite of all the gods which may be a bit upsetting to the other gods such as Shiva and Brahma and Krishna and of course God but that’s just the way I feel and the ‘otel was very posh and I had croque monsieur and a swim in the sea and a bath and pickled gourds and green papaya salad and other salads and other pickles and pumpkin amuse bouche and blood sausage stew and potatoes with watercress and other traditional Mauritian foods such as almond custard and cakes and had two Tokyo liqueurs and fell asleep in a bed worth £4500 with £2500 bed linen on it and had breakfast in bed which in practice meant breakfast on balcony which involved porridge and exotique fruits and yoghourt and omelette and chicken sausages and freshly squeezed grapefruit and passion fruit juice and then pain au chocolat and then Jim and I went kayaking up and down the coast and then Jim went into a diabetic stasis and got swept to his death beyond the reef except that I rescued him by towing him to safety against the winds and currents and being a hero and then we had a pina colada and a Pink Dragon and a Japanese banquet cooked in front of us by a top Mauritian Japanese chef and we were the only people in the restaurant which as a Japanese eatery within a Chinese establishment which strikes me as rather insensitive and then they overcharged us and got all defensive and then we went to bed in our comfortable beds and had pain au chocolat and aloe vera yoghourt and Weetabix (TM) and fresh fruits all cut up for lazy people and orange juice straight out of an orange and guava juice straight out of a jar and ham and cheese omelette and then we went on a glass-bottoms boat and saw fishes and the coral reef and a school of twenty-nine dolphins who were not very friendly towards us and kept swimming away but were very friendly towards dolphin-friendly tuna and then we went to a safari park and saw lions and tigers and a friendly zebra and giant tortoises and then I had two Pink Dragons and an Indian banquet and a Delice De Heaven and had a doze and had pain au chocolat and aloe vera yoghourt and muesli and fresh fruits all cut up for lazy people and orange juice straight out of an orange and mango juice straight out of a jar and ham and cheese omelette and we had lunch which was a toasted sandwich in a shopping centre in the mountains and then we drove back via Blackcurrant and Grapefruit and unpacked and my uber-holly day was over but i was still on holly day and had baked beans on toast for supper and watched Cheaters and did writing and slept and did more writing and swimming and eating lunch of an apple and smoked salmon and smoked marlin and had dinner of Indian takeaway and watched Spooks and Lawn and Order UK and went to bed and had lunch and dinner of salad and burgers and that and Cheaters and a sleep and a trip to Trou Aux Biches and a swim there and some fresh kiwi fruit juice and a vodka and coconut water drink at Cocoloko and twelve snails and twelve mushroom and two chocolate mousses at Luigi’s and a double helping of Lawn and Order while I wrote things and after a sleep some cheeses and hams and swimming and then I woke up and went swimming and drove with Jan to meet Jim at Cocoloko and had a Cocoloko cocktail and went to the French bistro, where I traditionally go to on my last day in Mauritius, and enjoyed duck liver terrine and fig salad and chocolate mousse, even though it was not my last day in Mauritius and also wines and French liqueurs and watched Cheaters with Jim and Jan and murder mysteries and fell asleep and wakened and swam in the sea and went to dinner at the Lux ‘Otel, which is famous for having a murder in it, and had exotique fish freshly caught from the sea and three pina coladas and puddings and starters and dozed off and was woken at 6am by the sound of loud music and the usually quiet village of Grand Gaube was transformed by a sailing regatta and fete and it was very exciting and noisy with African drumming going on all day and whatnot and then Jim and Jan and I had a special luncheon of meats and soups and potatoes and then we walked down the road and Siddick gave me a drive through the mountains of the Indian Ocean and then I sat in a special restaurant and had Mauritian punch and champagne and canapes and duck salad and sea bass and mango parfait and chartreuse and Campari (R) and soda and more champagne and other wines and fell asleep and woke up and had a breakfast of omelette and cereals and exotique fruits and fruit smoothie and croissants and looked out of the window as we cruised past Italy and then we landed at Paris Aerodrome and I had a massage and a shower and Campari (R) and Ricard (TM) and champagne and got on an airship of Air France and had champagne and chocolates cured meats and salad and other things and then I was at Heathrow Aerodrome and Simon drove me home, as usual, and the holly day was over and by now it was

Moonday 1st Octopus 2012 AD

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