Bermuda Diary – Augustus 2013 AD
Thirsty 29th Augustus 2013 AD
I rose at 4.30 on the 29th of August and was very excited and by 5am was in the taxi to the aerodrome. Whilst en route, I enjoyed a gin and tonic. Upon arrival at the airfield of Heathrow, I was checked by the professional and pleasant yet austere (British) American Airlines staff, then I had boiled eggs and soldiers for my breakfast, then went to another part of the airport for melon salad and champagne and then to another place for dragon fruit and passion fruit, by which time it was time to get onto my aeroplane, which I accomplished easily. I enjoyed champagne and orange juice, then ignored breakfast, as I was already full up, then watched a show called Beautiful Creatures, which was very silly and funny and worth seeing just for the performance of E Thompson, then watched my favourite parts of Beautiful Creatures again and then had noodle luncheon and white wines and then landed in Chicago. I easily entered the United States of America, then relaxed at the aerodrome for a short time, before getting on an airship bound for New York, on which I had salad with ranch dressing and pudding and warmed nuts and a screwdriver and other things and then I landed and got straight onto another craft which gave me ravioli supper and warmed nuts and banoffee pie and whiskey and other alcohols I have forgotten about now and then we landed at Bermuda and it was raining and warm. I met my aunt and then went to her house and had whiskey and then went to my house and unpacked and went to sleep for twelve hours.
Flyday 30th Augustus 2013 AD
I woke up and went swimming in the sea which is outside my window and then went to an art exhibition in Hamilton, Bermuda and then for drinks with acting enthusiasts and then had supper at home which was ravioli. On…
Saturnday 31st Augustus 2013 AD
I went swimming and had dinner and lunch. On…
Sundae 1st Septet 2013 AD
I went swimming and had brunch in a posh ‘otel and then went to a party and ate more food and went to bed. On…
Moonday 2nd Septet 2013 AD
I went out on my aunt’s boat and went swimming from it in the ocean and swam to a paradise island and then went home and had dinner including many cocktails and wines, which I did all the other nights, come to think of it. On…
Tunesday 3rd Septet 2013 AD
I went swimming many times. On…
Wrensday 4th Septet 2013 AD
I went swimming even more many times and got stung by jelly fish, which was not that bad really and had many meals. On…
Thirsty 5th Septet 2013 AD
I went swimming in the secret cove again and had a barbecue. On…
Flyday 6th Septet 2013 AD
I went to the park in Hamilton, Bermuda, British Empire and then went on my aunt’s boat and ate luncheon in Paradise Lake and scraped barnacles off the boat for one hour by Palm Island and watched the sunset back at my aunt and her spouse’s house and ate pea soup and then got wax all over a top quality table by accident and then broke a door also by accident. On…
Saturnday 7th Septet 2013 AD
I went out with my aunt and uncle-in-law to some paradise places in my aunt’s boat. We scraped barnacles off the bottom of the craft and lots of small and big fishes swam with us as we did so, nibbling the treats we had loosened. On…
Sundae 8th Septet 2013 AD
We had brunch at a posh place, and ate as much as possible till we all threw up, then went swimming in the secret cove and then I did some packing and then we had pea soup and wine and cocktails whilst watching the sunset and discussing the solar cistern and other aspects of the universe. I wonder who owns the universe. Probably America. On…
Moonday 9th Septet 2013 AD
I went out with Auntie Monica again on the boat. We swam with the parrot fish and laughed about celery being inappropriately put into Pimms (TM) and then I went swimming for a final time in the secret cove and then we went to Clive’s birthing day party and then I went to bed.
Tunesday 10th Septet 2013 AD
I awoke at 7am and my aunt drove me to the aerodrome and we said our emotional goodbyes. I boarded a craft that fulfilled two functions: breakfast (I had two) & moving me to The Big Apple. At the Apple, I consumed two A380 cocktails (a concoction I invented) and a single melt (in the mouth) whiskey; then I boarded a tiny craft that flew me to Raleigh/Durham. I had never been to North Carolina before and I liked it. I stayed for over an hour. Then I boarded a craft that took me to London and it was marvellous. The American Airlines Raleigh/Durham only have one route and it is the London flight. They are all fantastic people who served me much port and Amaretto and other treats and look after their passengers well. They are very proud of their beautiful Boeing 767 aeroplane, which shuttles back and forth. Yes, the plane is rather old* (it was built in the 1960s*); yes, the engines can be a bit unreliable on a cold morning*; yes, the top speed is 213 knots; yes, the maintenance people do struggle to find spare parts for the machine* (only eight Booing 767s were ever built, before they were withdrawn as a total failure*); and, yes, the aeroplane (or airplane, as the Americans would call it) does punch above its weight to get off the runway* and then successfully land at a major international airport*; but she is a magnificent craft, a graceful old bird – a friend to Carolina and me.
*For legal reasons, may I point out that these are all lies: there is no reason to doubt the reliability, maintenance standards, speed or efficiency of American Airlines’ ‘jewel in the crown’ – the superb and very modern and successful Boeing 767 Turboprop airship.