Australala Diary – Decadence 2014

The trip began in Oslo, where I had been for sundry business purposes. I awoke at 10.08am and left my moderately posh ‘ostel at 10.33am. It was a lovely crisp anticipatory seven-minute walk along a freezing cold walkway wearing my Australalan summer clothes of thin leather jacket and tie to the aerodrome. Check-in was a fun and fairly lengthy process involving three ladies, then I went through security and got straight onto my craft, which actually belonged to British Airways and was an Airbust A319 airship. We left at 11.30 and got all de-iced at the end of the runway and flew to Heathrow and I had a Bloody Mary and a brunch of cold meats and cheeses and olives and nuts and had a mini doze and saw England as we circled all round North-East London Town and then we landed and I had nine hours before my next flight and the time flew by.

I started by having a shot of tequila, then had sparkling wine and wild mushrooms on brioche and red wine with lamb and curly kale and pudding wine with fudge pudding and cream and then I had a lie down and watched the snooker on television and dozed right off for a big sleep and had a shower and then I had a back massage and then I had a margarita cocktail made by Lucillia followed by an Old Cuban cocktail made by Manuel followed by a Green Fizz award-winning brand new cocktail with green tea and gin and whatnot in it made by Lucillia and then it was time to get on the aeroplane and it was a Booing 777 belonging to British Airways and it didn’t take long to get to Gate C54 and I just walked straight on and had a glass of water and we took off and I was served by Queen Lucy who was very nyce and I had a glass of French white wine and nuts and decided not to have my din dins yet as I was not quite hungry and after two hours I was hungry and I had langoustines with orange and basil sauce and Japanese mushroom salad with a glass of a completely different French white wine but not before I had had an amuse bouche of feta cheese and giant cous cous and then I had pressed venison with green peppercorn and red onion marmalade pavé and a nyce sauce and winter vegetables and a glass of French red wine and strawberry soufflé with strawberry compote and ‘erb tuile and a glass of pudding wine and then I fell sleep for five point five hours and had cranberry juice and then I was not very hungry so I had fresh fruit for breakfast with a smoothie and two glasses of whisky and then we landed in Singapore and I had a shower and said hello to Shirley as usual and then Jasmine made me a Campari and orange juice as usual and she didn’t even need to ask as she knows that’s my favourite drinky in Singapore and then I got back on the Boring 777 aeroplane and had sparkling wine with Barnaby and then we took off and I had a totally different French white wine as an aperitif with nuts and met Queen Becky and was served by Princess Billy of Southport and I had an amuse bouche of funny meats all wrapped up in cucumber all posh and porcini mushrooms deep fried in nyce crispy stuff and Hollandaise sauce with a totally different wine again and cod with lemon and ‘erb butter, peas, broad beans and aspergers risotto with an Italian red wine and chocolate and lemon gateau with meringue and pudding wine and a second dessert of chocolate and coffee bread pudding and a glass of cognac and then I fell asleep and had jasmine tea and fruit smoothie and fruit salad and croissant and a ciabatta with scrambled egg and turkey and Emmental and then we landed at Sydney and I was let straight into the country and it took a surprisingly long time for my luggage to arrive which was fun but tiring and then I went to the desk of Queensland And Northern Territory Aerial Services and checked in and got on a bus that drove across the airfield to the domestic terminal and then had a Lily Special made by Lily who didn’t even need to ask as she knows that a Lily Special is my preferred drinky in Sydney and I had a shower to get all clean again and did light admin (which was writing this travel report up until the letter i in the six-letter word that is coming up) and then I got a Queensland And Northern Territory Aerial Services Pooing 767 aeroplane and had tortilla wrap and landed in Melbourne and was met at the airfield by Madame Provan herself and David drove me home and I fell asleep for fourteen hours and then I filmed a television programme which, by the magic of television, was broadcast two weeks after I got back to England.

And then I did more filming and various meetings and saw lots of Victorian friends and it was like a beautiful dream and five days later I was back at the airfield with the usual wines and then in Sydney in the nice ‘otel where I always stay and then drank port and sparkling French wines and eating sashimi and some funny white dead fish and a greengage pudding and then I got on the aeroplane and had sparkling French wine and nuts and I had carrot and orange soup and a canapé that I’ve forgotten and chicken breast stuffed with scallop mousse and roasted vegetables and wines of course and a kir royale and then I fell asleep and had afternoon tea and then I was in Singapore and had a shower and saw Sue and had a Campari and got back on the craft and had a canapé and cream of Jerusalem artichoke soup and grouper and scallops and fennel and after an unexpected sleep felt unexpectedly hungry and had salad and Tina loin and Thai yellow curry and roasted duck and jasmine rice and a trio of pastries and then four more vanilla cream choux pastries and didn’t bother with breakfast and landed and had a massage and a bath and breakfast with egg and soldiers and then went to a different part of the aerodrome of Heathrow where I had tequila and vodka martini and red lentil soup and sparkling French wine and then I got on a craft bound for Norway and had chicken luncheon and wine and tomato juice and went to my ‘otel in central Oslo and had a lie down for twelve hours and then had smorgasbord breakfast and walked in the snow to the museum of Modern Art and looked at it all day (which was a short day, as the winter was upon us and it was very up north) and watched a crack brass band playing in the central station and journeyed back to the airfield and the aeroplane was delayed and so I had Bloody Mary and many snacks and then flew to London and fell asleep and went homo in the posh taxi.

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