Adelaide & Mauritius Diary – Janitor 2013 AD
Tunesday 8th Janitor 2013 AD
I left for the aerodrome at midday. By 1 o’clock I was already drinking champagne and eating mushroom soup within Heathrow Aerodrome Terminale 3. I also had canapes and then had more champagne and pork dumplings soup and a miscellaneous dish and fruit salad and banoffee pie and campari and soda and more champagne, and then after three happy hours I boarded the Finnair craft for Helsinki and I drank champagne and ate cured meats and sushi and nodded off for five minutes and woke up and I was in the Helsinki, where I had a shower and drank mineral water and by then it was almost…
Wrensday 9th Janitor 2013 AD
I boarded the Finnair craft for Hong Kong and drank champagne and ate miscellaneous dinner and fell asleep and did some work on my Madness and watched a film that I have forgotten and had no breakfast on the plane because I was full up and then I landed at Hong Kong and at Hong Kong I had a Cafe Delight cocktail, which is non-alcoholic. Then I went to another part of the aerodrome and had canapes. Then I went to another part of the aerodrome and had a little lie down for two hours. Then I helped myself to a buffet and had champagne and port wine, but due to language difficulties they kept on giving me more port wine and champagne so I was forced to go into the shower as I was too drunken to appear in public and I drank champagne and port wine in the shower and when I came out of the shower I had campari and soda and did some work, and then it was time to board the craft, and by then, due to the miracles of flying eastwards and constantly losing time it was nearly…
Thirsty 10th Janitor 2013 AD
I boarded a craft of Cathay Specific from Hong Kong bound for Adelaide and it was very nice and there was a very nice air hostess who looked after me and gave me many dinners and wines and champagnes and also a special cake and fruit and breakfast of dim sum, which was delicious and eaten with chopsticks and chilli sauce. And then we landed in Adelaide and I got off the plane and immediately James and Michael from sketch group, Gravity Boots (which I call Gravy Boots) took me to a disused church on the outskirts of Adelaide which is now a converted theatre and we worked on their show. I am the director of their show. I have almost nothing to report for the next twelve days as I spent my whole time inside that church directing their show from 6am until 9pm every day, apart from when I was occasionally allowed out at lunchtime in the sunshine of the car park and I was allowed out to go to sleep in the evenings. It was hard work.
Moonday 21st Janitor 2013 AD
The day started awkwardly as the previous night there had been a major row over a game of Trivial Pursuit. I am not joking. We had completed all our work, having done our dress rehearsal the day before, and so we were one day ahead and could afford to have one day of relaxation prior to my return back to England, which was nice. Having gone all the way to Adelaide, it would have been a shame to have seen nothing other the a disused church converted into a theatre, a car park and the inside of a blanket within the boot of a car. This was the method that was used to transport me between the church and where I slept at night, in order to keep me disorientated. We decided to go to the seaside in a nice place which I have forgotten the name of which is near Adelaide and we went for luncheon in a place that was halfway between a pub and a restaurant, with the advantages of neither. And then we went swimming in the beautiful ocean. It was 34 degrees in the air and about 29 degrees in the water and we swam and pretended to be sea turtles, which involved getting serious scratches on our stomachs because we had to lay our eggs on the sand. And then we went home and had a salad and watched the Australalan Open television show and then it was time to go to bed.
Tunesday 22nd Janitor 2013 AD
James and his girlfriend, Alexandra, and Michael and his wife, Lily, accompanied me to the aerodrome. Actually, Lily was not there, but she was there in spirit. All four are wonderful people and we sat looking at the aeroplanes, feeling emotional that I was leaving. It was a wonderful time directing them. They are inspiring and wonderful people, friends for life and I advise all Connoisseurs to go and see their sketch show, Gravity Boots. And then I got on an aeroplane which was owned by Queensland and Northern Territory Aerial Services and flew to Singapore and it was very luxurious and I had many wines and champagnes and delicious meals and was completely drunken, even after having three hours sleep on the aeroplane. And then I got off and went to Singapore and the lady gave me some chicken and rice in a dish and I felt a bit funny. I do not know if it was the chicken and rice or another factor such as the excitement and I had a shower and then I got back onto another plane by Finnair and it was very luxurious and I had water and lots of food and flew to Helsinki and had breakfast as I came in to land at Helsinki, and at Helsinki I had just enough time for a shower before getting on a British Airways plane, on which I had another breakfast. And then I landed at Heathrow Aerodrome and then I had my hair cut and went home and did not eat for 24 hours as I was so full from the aeroplanes. By now it was…
Thirsty 24th Janitor 2013 AD
and I worked all day on some filming I had to do for American television, and the on…
Flyday 25th Janitor 2013 AD
I got up at 4.30am and did more work on my filming and did my packing and left the house and did filming all day which was extremely cold, standing on Westminster Bridge in -10 wind chill factor winds, which was rather in contrast to Adelaide, which was never cooler than 18 degrees, it was normally more like 41 degrees. And then I met with my worker, Aaron Kilkenny-Sletcher, and had tea with him involving sandwiches and scones and cakes, at which time I disciplined him for his lazy attitude towards work, and then the two of us went to do one of my secret shows in a secret location and then I gave my worker, Aaron Kilkenny-Sletcher, all my winter items such as winter coat and monkey suitcase and I left wearing only my safari suit with a small basket and a small suitcase and I left on the Heathrow Express for Heathrow Terminale 4, where I had a sleep in their ‘otel.
Saturnday 26th Janitor 2013 AD
I arose at 7am to watch the television that informed of travel chaos across Britain so I quickly rushed into the shower and off to the terminale, where I discovered there was no chaos and I had a chat with the check-in staff for six minutes. And then I went into the aerodrome and had a Bloody Mary and a campari and soda and a full cooked breakfast and strawberry crepes and had a lie down. I then boarded an Air France flight to Paris, on which I had delicious fudges and delicious sandwiches of smoked salmon and delicious juices and other items that I have forgotten and then I landed at Paris aerodrome and I had campari and soda and I had a shower and I had a lie down, and then I boarded an Air Mauritius flight.