Infamous Cheats – 14th Octopus 2011
We hear, this week, the tale of one man’s attempt to use his guile and ingenuity (ie. Cheating) to heroically grasp victory (well, third place) and notoriety from the hands of crushing anonymity and eternal failure. A gentleman from Sunderland was rumbled after riding a bus to third position in the Kielder marathon.
As a tribute to this act of subversion, I have compiled a list of some of history’s most glorious cheats, mixed with some contemporary scandals. (Incidentally, most or all of them have been brutally ignored by the history books, who tend to focus on actual events that occur, rather than fictitious ones which I make up).
The Hand of God
American singer Madonna, after becoming bored with being a normal white person, illegally obtained Argentinian citizenship, fooling world governments with her moving performance in the film, Evita. She then caused England to be defeated in the football, due to illegally handling dropping balls all over Buenos Aires.
Members of the Pakistan just-not-cricket club have come under fire for exchanging poor performances (an intangible failing with no real monetary value) for money. Speaking in their defence, a suspicious man said they were paid with peanuts, so had to tout around their second rate batting and piss-poor bowling in order to buy the mansions and speedboats their ball skills rightfully deserve.
The tortoise and the hare
For generations this shock result was attributed to poor motivation and complacency on the part of the obviously superior hare. However, it has become clear that foul play was afoot. Reaching the culmination of a 300-year career, racing and losing to various hares (and, on one occasion, a flying paella), a tortoise in his twilight years finally cracked. Three centuries of pathetic failure erupted out of him in one long, drawn out emotional war which resulted in the psychological breakdown of the hare. The reason the hare stopped was, in fact, due to an acute addiction to alcohol and pine nuts, brought on by the death of his late wife, Clare, who was brutally murdered in their hole, which had no door. Footprint analysis indicated the assailant was a slow moving, heavy creature with no fur. Suspicions immediately pointed to the tortoise, who, when questioned by the Royal Hare Force, simply retreated inside his shell. He continued this behaviour until all his inquisitors died, and in this way has escaped the law successfully for over thirty years.
In a recent experiment, these items travelled faster than the speed of light somehow. Top scientists suspect they cheated by taking a shortcut through an as yet undiscovered dimension (which is thought to be where all the odd socks end up).
As the world’s fastest animal (in a horizontal direction (the fastest animal vertically is a blue whale skydiving)), the Cheetah, ironically, has never actually cheated in a race. It doesn’t need to.
Bill famously beat Yasser Arafat in a game of crazy golf under suspicious circumstances. This is the only instance in which his good name has been tarnished by allegations of cheating.
Footgotten Landmarks of Britain – 30th Septet 2011
This week I began my nationwide tour. Over the coming months I will be living on the road, or actually driving on it for a while to the place where I’m doing a show and then driving back to my home again. But it’s still quite gruelling. In order to make the experience bearable for myself, I have decided to visit some of Britain’s lesser-known, but nonetheless intriguing landmarks and historical attractions. Listed beneath, along with a brief description of their merits, are a choice selection of some of the sites I am most looking forward to visiting:
The Camel of Hemel Hempstead
Hemel Hempstead’s most prominent landmark is a quartz camel on the window ledge of Marigold Hilary-Shade, an eccentric lexicogropher and part-time sadist. The camel commemorates the Battle of Bovingdon in which the citizens of Hemel Hempstead fought a band of Bovingdon-based rebels on camel back. Hemel Hempstead has long been a coveted town due to the rich chalk mines that lie deep beneath its main high street. Marigold Hilary-Shade is perhaps the biggest chalk fan on earth. She married a snooker cue.
The Racist Cock(erel) of Boulter’s Lock
Most people know Maidenhead for its 13th-century church, beneath which local actress Diana Dors had her first flavour of acting, pretending to be a dyslexic altar boy for Sir Simon Lowcroft-Smirke. Lesser known, however, is Boulter’s Lock, a historic canal gate which can make grown women weep with disinterest. At midday on a waxing moon a proudly racist cockerel struts across the lock. I shall be visiting Boulter’s Lock when I come to Maidenhead and I too shall despair at the sight of the slight site.
The 12 people of Eastbourne
Known to its 12 residents as the jewel of the south, but to everyone else as Oh, Eastbourne, this is the least populated town in the world. Each of the 12 inhabitants of Eastbourne live 12 miles apart from each other, and only ever see each other on the twelfth day of Christmas, when they meet at one of the town’s many parks to violently smash drums, and often each other, with prize vegetables.
Tony Loose, the Demon Barber of Dean St.
Bald Tony Loose gets away with murder. Since reading about his idol, Sweeney Todd, in a small book, he has murdered and styled his way to the top of Time magazine’s best-dressed beast list as well as Thyme magazine’s best-seasoned pie list. From his Soho barber’s shop, he wreaks havoc among vain and lustrous-headed men, who were once ten-a-penny in Soho, but now are on the verge of extinction. Along with his 4 bald singer sons, the Barber Shop Quartet, he actively seeks out men with outlandish hair, who, as he sees it, rub his affliction in his face. I, however, do not hide from such vagabonds. I will confront him where he least expects and take vengeance.
The Nothingness of Nottingham
We’ve all heard of Nottingham Castle and Sherwood Forest. But have you heard of the Nothingness of Nottingham – A Grade II listed concept that spreads across three square miles of air? Shirley “Car Keys” Conker Face is head of the Nothingness of Nottingham Preservation Society, which is why she learnt to swim in 2004.
Emirats Airlines – 9th Septet 2011
A Nepal Airlines Boeing 757 Airship was grounded at Hong Kong aerodrome earlier this week due to a large mouse (commonly known as a dirty stinking rat) loose in the cabin. Despite the plane being full of traps, the crafty creature evaded capture for nearly two days. Of course, it is unusual for mice to fly with Nepal Airlines – they generally prefer Micelandair or Cheddair. Here is a list of other animals and their airlines of choice:
Finnair – for sharks
Air Seashells – for crustaceans
Saudi Arabian Airlines – for deer
Melbournmania – 2nd Septet 2011
This week has seen the release of the results of the annual Global Liveability Survey, a highlight in all our calendars. Last year’s runner up in the “Surveys containing totally made up words to assign credibility to totally made up concepts” survey, 2011’s Global Liveability Survey has reached a key moment in its meteoric rise towards making sense.
And this year’s results did not disappoint. For the first time since Kabul’s shock victory in 2002, Vancouver, Canard has been defeated in the polls, relinquishing its crown to the city of Melbourne, Australala, South Hemisphere (a city where I sometimes am, and very much love). Due in no small part, experts suggest, to Vancouver’s total thrashing at the World Curling Championships last winter at the hands of an imperious Winnipeg, and the discovery that Maple syrup is just normal syrup, the defeat has left the city reeling in the wake of yet another humiliation.
Melbourne, on the other hand, has erupted in celebration, as yesterday parties raged through the night (GMT).
In honour of Melbourne’s glorious victory I have compiled some interesting facts about the city for you to enjoy:
Melbourne was originally named Batmania by its founder Mr. John Batman.
Melbourne is home to the largest tram network in the universe.
Its current name was taken from a village in Derbyshire, while the locals were sleeping due to too much daytime excitement.
In Melbourne it is illegal to carry out unauthorised rain-making operations.
The first ever full-length feature film was made in Melbourne.
After residents scrapped the name Batmania due to it being utterly ridiculous, they chose the far more serious name of Bareheap. That didn’t stick either.
Big Bother – 18th Augustus 2011
Tonight marks the eagerly-awaited return of Bog Brother. Starting at around 19:84 (twenty-four minutes past eight) on Chanel No. 5, the show will feature some or none of the following highlights:
An ex-soap actor who hasn’t done much for a while clashes with a heavily made-up past-it model in the kitchen about a packet of penne pasta.
Meanwhile, in the hot tub, a woman who once did something that made her famous and a man who is known for once going out with someone famous start kissing each other in a mutually-beneficial publicity exercise.
Later, someone whom you can’t believe has agreed to do the show sleeps for ages, whilst someone you’d forgotten existed gets up and goes to the toilet.
Human Writes – 12th Augustus 2011
And now I bring you a special report from my personal chartered journalist, Melvin Humley-Smythe, who, after becoming a casualty of the News of the Whirled scandal, came very reluctantly, with his tales between his legs, to work for me. I pay him nothing, due to the fact that he is utterly useless.
Several cities across the UK have been plunged into chaos this week as thousands of Britain’s young and disenfranchised took to the streets in the largest civil unrest in decades. Hundreds of shops were destroyed as gangs of youths, previously thought by authorities to have relatively low levels of literacy, began writing all over the place. Electrical goods supplier Currys and tricycle know-it-alls Halfords were specifically targeted by the writers, experts suggest, because of the retailers’ flagrant disregard for grammar.
Eyewitness accounts reported gangs armed with dictionaries roaming the streets, writing inside shops whose names contained even the slightest grammatical error. According to one holidaymaker, writers in Brickston were so incensed by the local Vodafone branch they were ripping up their dictionaries and throwing the pages one by one at the shop front.
Barry Goose, a Brickstonite and idiot, said of the scenes: “It’s a disgrace. Why would these people rip up their own dictionaries? It doesn’t make any sense.”
As shares in Hasbro, manufacturers of the board game Scrabble went into freefall, wiping billions off the stock market and also Stockwell Market, David Camembert, part-time politician with a penchant for hugging teenage boys, returned from his free holiday in Dollywood (where activities include plunging your moistened mouth into two enormous fake breasts) to “categorically” condemn the writing, promising the law-abiding public that the perpetrators of these “wanton axe of chamomile tea will be met with the full force”, adding that “anyone old enough to write is old enough to play Consequences” (a board game that he devised whilst at university in which players paint their faces and laugh uncontrollably until a meal time arises).
The word “crime” was then officially removed from the Oxford English Dictionary and replaced with the word “criminality”, to mark the utter pointlessness of the week’s events. The Mare of London formed a committee to discuss ways to prevent a repeat occurrence, saying, “The rights of these writers does not give them the right to write when and where they please.” Offered solutions included:
– The disencouragement of literacy amongst young people
– Replacing the police force with highly erotic-looking scarecrows
– Destroying all schools apart from Eton, which is essential as a breeding ground for excessive and highly theatrical boggery
– Enforcing absolute nudity upon the Zone 2 of London
– Making shopping an exclusively online process, apart from essential items like sand paper.
– Sawing everybody’s arms off
Paul Foot’s Guide To The Royals – 25th Mayonnaise 2011
Now that William and Katie have got back from their honey moon, I have decided that it is time to put the royals in the spotlight. Here is my guide to key members of the royal family.
THE ROYALS – (a Who’s What Glossary of the British Royal Family by Mr. Paul Foot)
HRH The Prince of Whales
Charlie is very interested in the environment and likes all his fruit and vegetables to be grown orgasmically. He sells his own orgasmic biscuits, called Duchy Vaginals.
HRH Princess Michael of Kent
The royals’ only transvestite member.
HRH The Duke of Kent
You see this man once a year when he hands out the winners’ cups at the Wimbledon Tennis Show. The rest of the year he sits about in a palace, doing bugger all.
HM The Queen Mother
Is never seen in public any more, due to being completely dead since the late 70s, although she carried on waving for at least another twenty years by remote control.
HRH The Duke of Edinburgh
A real card, he is well known for making around five or six famous, controversial quips during his lifetime – an average of one every fifteen years. His real achievement is to have looked seventy years old since he was about twenty and then stayed looking exactly the same forever.
HM The Queen
Her greatest achievement is that, after nearly sixty years on the throne, no one has the slightest idea what she thinks about anything. She has also never, to anyone’s knowledge, been to the toilet.
HRH The Duckess of Cambridge
Katie Middleton has been widely praised for slipping seamlessly into her royal duties and for having an easy way with the public and being really good at accepting flowers and making harmless comments about nothing in particular. The elephant in the room is that, frankly, anyone could do it; and that even heterosexual men and hardened lesbians would get off with William if it meant never having to do a job again and being force fed vol au vents for life.
Air Bust – 9th Novella 2010 AD
Following the news that a QANTAS (Quick And Nasty Turbine Accident Surprise) Airbus A380 has had to make an emergency landing, after one of its engines fell apart, let’s find out some facts about this Superjumbo Jest:
The craft is called the A380 because when it reaches a speed of about 380 knots, the engines fall off.
The aeroplane flies many of the longhaul routes of the world; as well as shorthaul flights, such as Singapore to Singapore (quick sightseeing tour, followed by a mayday call).
The huge airliner is taller than two double decker buses standing on top of each other. And marginally less safe.
The engines for many planes are designed by Pratt and Whitney. The engines for the A380 were designed by a Pratt.
If you book a ticket on the sophisticated jet, you will get to sleep on a fully flat bed (after your flight is cancelled and you stay at home).
Dead on A Rival – 2nd Augustus 2010 AD
In the news, the oldest man in Tokyo (aged 111) has been revealed to have died in circa 1978, aged 79, and therefore not to have been the oldest man in Tokyo, after all, either before or after he died. Here, then, is my guide to things that we thought were alive, but actually died years ago:
The War on Terror
Unfortunately invading other people’s countries and bombing them doesn t make them less angry. We know this from history and also from using our minds to create sense (common). Sadly, the War on Terror will never work. It is about as logical as a Wine-Tasting Evening Against Drunkenness or a Fox Hunt Against Animal Cruelty.
The Dream of a Better Future
In the early 80s we were told that the in the future (ie now), everything would be bright and shiny and we would have robots, making us cups of tea and collecting our plates and doing the ironing and whatnot. We were specifically promised robots! This was a lie and we now know that the future as we envisaged it will never occur and that the future of the present is a lot less exciting than the future of the past.
Many believe that Elvis Parsley is still alive. In fact, he died in 1977, at about the same time as the Tokyo man (who would currently be one of the world s oldest men, if he hadn’t failed to live). Despite being dead, Elvis earnt around 44 million dollars last year, which must partially make up for having died.
The English Language
Pea pall r mane lee tech sting thee’s daze, sew know wan rites prop pearly n e moor.
Labour Partly – 19th Julie 2010 AD
With the Labour Party leadership contest in full swing, here is a guide to the good and bad points of all five candidates (apart from Andy Burnham, for whom there are no jokes):
Diana Abbott and Costello
*A shameless hypocrite who sits on TV every week spouting sanctimonious waffle about socialism, then sends her kiddy to privet school
*Lack of cabinet experience
*Disbanded in the 1970s
*Has never admitted a mistake in his life
*Ruthless political climber with no values
*His annoying, piggy face weighs 1.3 tons
*Irritating patronising Blair-like smile on his face as he speaks
*No genuine beliefs
*Spineless on several occasions could have resigned from cabinet and forced Gordon Clown out, prompting a leadership contest, but was too cowardy-custard
*Made of polystyrene
*A breath of fresh air
*Just what the Labour Party needs
From Russia Without Love – 8th Julie 2010 AD
As we know from the news, the US and Russia have carried out a spy swap in Vienna. The spies had been fully embedded into the countries in which they were spying. One Russian spy had even married a British man. Here, then, is a handy list of ways to tell whether you wife is a spy:
1. You know her as Sally, but her gas bill is addressed to Ekaterina Andreev, Secret Agent c/o Moscow
2. Hidden in a violin case in her wardrobe are KGB papers
3. Your evening meal has a distinct flavour of Polonium-210
4. She is Russian
5. She is a femme fatale
6. When she watches James Bond films, she takes notes
7. The telephone on her bedside table is a direct hotline to the Kremlin
Murder by Rote – 14th Juniper 2010 AD
It has been announced that Chief Inspector Barnaby is to step down at the end of this year from popular death show Midsomer Murders. Mr Barnaby has previously played the roles of Jim Bergerac and John Nettles. Although the final episode is yet to be screened, I can exclusively reveal the plot (since it’s the same as all the others):
A sleepy village in Buckinghamshire is preparing for its annual fete. We are introduced to various posh characters – one of two of them played by fairly famous actors, the others vaguely familiar from Heartbeat and Casualty. A body is discovered by the tombola.
It turns out the tombola body was actually just an eccentric rustic who was asleep (hammed up by an actor who mainly performs in provincial theatres – for good reason). The plot continues a bit with various people saying various things to each other – none of which makes sense to the viewer and most of which turns out to be irrelavant. Inspector Barnaby turns up at the fete, as his boring wifey and daughter are involved in the fete in some manner that is a heavily contrived plot device. Some sort of fun run is to occur at the fete and the mayor fires the starting pistol. Simultaneously another shot is fired and an actress (not one of the really famous ones, because they’re more likely to play the role of the killer) drops down dead. Barnaby’s wifey and daughter are all shocked.
Barnaby goes about investigating the murder. His assistant, played by that actor that no one remembers who replaced that other actor who no one remembers either and isn’t even on TV much any more, points out that “anyone could have fired the shot.” A postman (played by an actor straight out of drama school) goes to deliver a letter and discovers a second body.
Barnaby continues to investigate. He reveals an intricate web of lies and adultery, including some highly unlikely liaisons. His wifey and daughter continue to be shocked. A boring sub-plot involving them continues.
Barnaby realises that the killer was one of the really famous actors. He rushes in his boring car with his boring assistant to a disused airfield where the killer is about to kill someone in a gruesome way with a World War 2 Spitfire, that just happens to be fully operational. Barnaby stops this in the nick of time and they all go off to the police station, because that’s what’s in the script.
In the police interview room, the killer confesses all. She did it because she was a bit unhinged. She and Barnaby use consummate acting skills to try to hold the show together, but to no avail, as the plot is quite clearly piss-poor and there is a sense that the last two hours of one’s life have been wasted. (Why don’t we learn? Every time we get to the end of an episode, we say, “Never again.” Then, a new episode comes on and it seems so promising at the start and you end up watching it all the way through and wishing you hadn’t bothered.) Barnaby has dinner with his wifey and daughter, Scully, and they tie up their little sub-plot and have a boring conversation.
Let your BD eye BN tranced BY this – 5th Juniper 2010 AD
The British firm BP has been in the news quite a lot lately. So I decided that this week’s special Guild report shall be a guide to two-letter acronyms starting with B.
BA A fine British firm that causes big metal birds carrying hundreds of people to fly through the air at great speed to faraway places such as Sydney and Manchester. Currently at the centre of industrial disputes, as the people who hand out the gin and tonics on the craft want a return to how things were in the 1970s, ie before nasty Virgin Atlantic and bmi (stands for british midland innit!) etc came along and created something called competition.
BC Refers to a time long ago before Mr Christ saved the world. In those days, the Ancient Egyptians created the Great Pyramids of Geezer (still their best work to date). And the European Union was called the Roman Empire.
BP A fine British firm that is spending 50 million dollars on a PR campaign to tell us about all the benefits of causing the US’s worst ever environmental disaster.
B&Q A fine British shop frequented by people stuck in a dead-end marriage. Similar to IKEA, except without the hope.
BR A fine British firm of the 1970s that provided an even poorer railway service than nowadays. Had the quintessentially British slogan of not trying that hard and quickly failing: “We’re Getting There.” They rarely did.
BT A fine British firm of the 1970s that still provides telecommunication services – except at a fraction of the price of its rivals. And that fraction is approximately 17/5.
Dave Cameron and Nick Clog to Marry – 19th Mayonnaise 2010 AD
The Prime Minister and his deputy have announced that they will wed immediately. Dave and Nick said (as one), “We are both the same age, public school educated, look and sound identical, and have the same views on everything (apart from the things we disagree about, which we never mention); so it seemed the natural next step. We are thinking of marrying in Paris, city of romance. We won’t need to bother flying or getting a ferry, as we can both walk on water.”
I can exclusively reveal that
Dave and Nick enjoy three in a bed-and-breakfast romps, with ex-Shadow Homo Secretary, Chris Gayling.
Samantha Cameron is carrying their love child. “Yes, it’s true,” piped up the house(of commons)wife, “I am pregnant with a Liberal Conservative baby, who has been sent down to this Earth to reform Parliament and the voting system, reduce the financial deficit, cure Britain’s social ills, and generally make everything perfect.”
Election Campaign All Shook Up
The General Erection campaign has been thrown wide open after Elvis Presley met a Prime Minister impersonator. A surprised journalist said, “You think you’ve seen everything on these campaigns. Suddenly this man appeared who was pretending to be a Prime Minister. He said convincing things like, ‘I’ve got the right policies for Britain’ and ‘securing Britain’s financial recovery,’ but closer analysis revealed that he was incapable of running anything.” Political experts believe the man, named Gordon Clown, has been pretending to be our Prime Minister for three years so far, and would like to do it for another five.
Elvis later described the encounter: “I’ll never forget meeting the King (of incompetence),” said the deceased entertainer. “For a moment, I thought he was still alive, but then I realised that this man is politically dead and I had a good laugh about it.” Elvis left the scene shortly afterwards and checked in to the nearby Heartbreak Hotel.
A massive eruption of hot air has brought European air travel to a standstill. The eruption occurred last Thursday at exactly the same time as the prime ministerial debate. The debate is thought to have caused a massive outflow of supercharged hot air which then hit the cold ice sheet of reality, causing tiny fragments of ash / cash (that they can’t afford to spend) and molten nonsense to rise into the atmosphere.
Experts believe the dangerous ash could remain for weeks and that this cloud will not truly lift until after the general election. Other commentators have suggested it could go on for months, with further sporadic eruptions of complete rubbish for months or years to come.
After just four days of chaos, Gordon Clown has taken immediate action, declaring that warships will be sent some time when they can get round to it to bring home stranded Brits. The Crime Minister said, “I need to be seen to be doing something, because that will mean more votes for me.” He was also quick to point the finger of blame at Dave Cameroon, who he said had caused most of the hot air. Others, though, have cited the unprecedented amounts of unchallenged hot air that have risen from Nick Clogg in recent days.
Jesus Christ has denied claims that he was involved in a cover-up of substandard carpentry. The allegations relate to the period prior to his becoming Saviour of the World, when he was assistant carpenter at the Nazareth Woodwork Depot. In a statement, a spokesangel from Heaven, said, “Everyone knows that in the period 10AD-30AD poor quality furniture was produced throughout the Roman Empire. But Our Lord knew absolutely nothing about it and there is no reason why He should stand down as head of his own religion.” The archangel was quick to point the finger of blame at just about anyone else he could think of, including famous Biblical maker of a woodwork item, Noah.
However, many questions remain unanswered, such as:
Did Mr Christ know about second-rate occasional tables and wardrobes being made at that time and try to cover up the evidence – perhaps by draping the furniture item with a nyce-looking bit of cloth, such as the Turin shroud?
If He did not know about the rickety woodwork, then was He really doing His job properly?
The production of substandard carpentry is believed to have been widespread during the early part of the Anno Domini period and to have caused great distress throughout the world. The furore continues.
Night Mayor (a review of my Secret Show on 5th Marsh by myself):
My peaceful meditation upon the themes of the evensong’s show at the secret location was interrupted at 7.20pm by the arrival of a man called Connoisseur Mayor, accompanied by secret show regular Connoisseur Darren; as well as silly homosexual Connoisseur Dan and Connoisseur Dave, whom used to be the compere of my Saturnday knight shows, until I recommended he get the sack.
A non-connoisseur interrupted the atmosphere of anticipation, asking, “Is there a show on ‘ere? Are you any good?” “Not really,” I retorted. “You’re not selling yourself to me very hard,” she observed. “Mm,” I thought, “I wonder why that might be.” I tried to put her off further by making her feel about as welcome as an owl, but she insisted on buying tickets. (Predictably, the lady was destined to leave halfway through the show under a cloud, amid much hilarity.)
Meanwhile, more connoisseurs were arriving and how nyce they all were. Lovers sat in the seats designated for them, while ex-lovers, platonic friends and those planning threesomes sat in their specially prepared positions.
The show started with a false start. I roamed around the audience, apologising for the false start. Eventually, I started and told a tale of a morbid man whom speaks to the Women’s Institute and visits death upon them. This joke lasted for thirteen minutes and was well-received and I deduced that it was a good audience and that it would be a good night and I was later (and, also, immediately) proved right.
I then commenced my second joke, which was an improvised play. It rapidly became clear that the drama would be a complex love story involving me (in my role as Connoisseur Kate), me (in my role as Connoisseur Mayor in his role as The Lord Mayor) and me (in my role as a bogus doctor). The play ended, as most plays do, with Kate realising she was actually a man called Kevin and then having a sax session with quite a lot of the audience.
At the end of the show there was a lot of applause and also an uneasy atmosphere, as though people wanted more humour. I told the audience a story from my imagination of a young motorcycle riding instructor whose life was ruined by an axe. Then I went home.
Ancillary review of the show by homosexual Connoisseur Dan, pretending to be the above-mentioned lady:
My name is Tracey*. Me and me mate Stacey* (*Not real names) turned up at your show last Friday night cos it said outside the room it was a private party. We was well suprised to see a small group of losers, including one ginger homosexual bloke, just sitting in the corner of the room waiting for a comedy show to start. Me and Jacks love our comedy – especially that 2 Packets of Crisps on the tele so we was well up for it.
Then this bloke started gabbin on about the environment and we wos like when’s the comedian gonna come on? He went on forever about people dieing but some old grannie being ok. Didn’t make any sense to us at all. The losers we were sat with seemed to be having a right old laugh though and were really enjoying themselves. One of them even asked us to stop talking. We was like “Shut up, calm down, we is just waiting for the comedy to start init.”
After what seemed like ages and not understanding a word of what was going on we went to the bar downstairs. By the time we went back we’d missed the comedian and there was just the same skinny bloke bangin on about a lad who’d passed his motorcycle driving instructor course.
Soon, we shall have the excitement of a general erection to decide whom shall be the next crime minister of the disUnited Kingdom. To guide you in your choice, here is a list of the runners and riders:
He has extensive political experience, having spent ten years running down the economy, prior to getting the top job of destroying the whole country. Should we give him another five years to finish this task?
His Conservatory Party is fighting under the slogan: “Vote for Change.” Sounds familiar? This is not the first time an opposition party has adopted such a slogan. Comp! are “Time for Change” (2005), “Britain Needs Change” (2001), “Britain Deserves Change” (1997) and “Can You Spare Any Change?” (1992). It is good to know that, even within the field of change, there is continuity.
At first glance he seems quite similar to Dave Cameron. On closer inspection, one realises he is exactly identical both in appearance and voice and he has the same policies, i.e. none.
HM the Queen
With politicians held in such low regard, many commentators are speculating that Elizabeth II will decide enough is enough and to take over and rule the country like the kings and queers of yesteryear. Within minutes of taking power she is likely to pass the following laws:
Plenty of scones all round
Camilla to go and live in Australia
Sir Winston Churchill
It is a little known fact that (black-)dogged Winston was cryogenically frozen and can be revived at any moment. Although undeniably a great leader of out nation, political experts are questioning whether he has the right policies for a modern world. His policies include:
Everyone to be indoors by 6.30pm, with blackout curtains drawn and a plate of corned beef per family
Fight the Germans on the beaches (for the sun loungers)
Uneasy Lies the Crown Upon the Thrown
In the news, Gordon Clown, the Crime Minister of my great nation, has admitted to throwing things when he gets angry. Here, then, is my brief guide to throwing. As ye will read, very few examples of throwing actually involve hurling anything at all:
Throwing a party: This is when you invite loads of people you loathe to come and trash your house, in exchange for a cheap bottle of wine. After a few hours, your guests will start to throw up and you can then throw a wobbly.
Placing a throw over a settee: This is the act by a middle class woman in her mid-fifties of draping a cheap pile of tat cloth over some tasteless furniture, in order to “transform the room” and desperately try to inject some excitement into her life and dead-end marriage.
A stone’s throw: this indicates that a place is nearby. One never actually throws the stone, though, unless it is toward a sax offender’s house a stone’s (or brick’s) throw away, after its location has been revealed by the Daily Hate Mail. By the same token, one speaks about a distance “as the crow flies,” but there is no point releasing a crow in that direction, because (a) it is difficult to catch the crow in the first place and (b) you never know which direction the crow will fly in and whether it will even bother flying in a straight line and (c) most likely the crow will just fly vertically upwards and sit on your roof, pecking at moss and pretending to be a rook.
Throwing the audience: This is not as physically demanding as it sounds. It is merely the act by me of speaking to an audience in Hereford, England for quite a long time about vans until I hear booing.
Throw the Looking Glass: This is what Alice did in Wonderland.
Failing to Play Away
In a story that will send shock waves through the sporting world, it is believed that a top footballer (whose name cannot be printed due to an injunction) has never had any affairs! In defiance of a court order, I can exclusively reveal the following:
gosh! The player once ordered a drink from a cocktail waitress, then failed to have sax with her over the bonnet of his Bentley!
cor! Every Saturnday, after captaining his side, he returns quietly to his wife and two children!
blimey! When he says that he has “scored for the boys,” he means only that he has succeeded in the match – a rare example of a single entendre!
wow! The household name footballer has placed no gagging orders on any women, nor any gags on women during kinky sax games!
ooh er missus! A couple of times a week, prior to training sessions, he and his wife enjoy two-in-a-bed romps until the teasmade goes off!
oh dear! The star has failed to make any women say, “Easy, Tiger!” – a phrase that has taken on a new meaning, since the revelations of the not-so-private life of a top golfer!
As you probably know, the kind-spirited workers at Brutish Airways are going on strike this Christmas*. Here is a summary of the special yuletide BA service:
Lie back on fully flat seats (at the airport, because you’re going nowhere). Wrap yourself in a cold comfort blanket and enjoy an undisturbed 12-day sleep. An industry first!
Watch a film. Choose from Scrooge or Titanic (a movie about a big cumbersome old-fashioned thing that thought it could never go under).
Tuck into the delicious ‘Living in the Pasta’ dish of the day (served with on-the-ground pepper), with a dessert of dis-custard to follow and some cheese and biscuits (TUC biscuits, naturally).
Accompany your meal with an order from a wide selection of fine whines, including:
“Why should we have to take a pay cut, like other airlines?” and
“We want it like it used to be in the old days, when we were a nationalised firm, even if that makes us go bankrupt” (1970s vintage)
So, choose British Arseways this Christmas. Because even if you can’t get away, you can still put your head in the sand! They will be.
*Strike subsequently called off, when it was realised that it would cause a lot of bother.
Following recent events in the Middle East, I am launching a cruise ship company. My first destination is Iran!
Day 1. Board your ship, fitted with all mod cons, apart from a working propeller.
Day 2. Adrift at sea.
Day 3. Within seconds of entering Iranian waters, you will be met by the friendly and inquisitive Revolutionary Guard. Transfer to the mainland is by small boat at gun point – not suitable for elderly passengers or those with heart conditions.
Day 4. Enjoy a lively question and answer session with your captors, I mean hosts. They ask the questions; you give the wrong answers, you die.
Day 5. Exchange cruise ship for cruise missile, as you go on an exclusive tour of Iran’s nuclear weapons factory.
Day 6. Enjoy a phone call to your loved ones back home. (Call will be monitored for security purposes.)
Day 7. In gaol. At leisure.
Day 8. Return to your cruise vessel.*
*We regret that, due to local sensibilities, the Iranian portion of the tour is unsuitable for adulterers, homosexuals or women.
Day 9. Fly back to the UK and a hero’s welcome, emotional reunions with your family etc.
The cruise costs thousands and is ideally suited to the young, affluent middle classes with nothing better to do.
The Sir John Chilcot Inquiry into the Iraq War is underway. It will be many weeks before it publishes its results (nice and clearly, in good old-fashioned whitewash). However, I can exclusively reveal in advance Sir John’s dramatic findings!
1. We definitely did invade Iraq.
2. The reason for the invasion was to remove weapons of mass destruction. No, it was regime change. Or was it just because George Bush felt like it? No, that can’t be it. It must be because of Saddam Hussein being in charge of Al Qaeda or something. Or was it to do with oil? Oh gosh, I’m so confused. Do I still get paid?
3. I’ve finished now. Anyone for lunch at the Savoy?”
Europe Peeing Union
First President of Europe Announced
A grand new era in European history has been ushered in with the democratic appointment by the French president and German chancellor (during a late-night carvery and carve-up) of Monsieur Rumpy Pumpy as President of Europe. This was after they rejected the application from war criminal Tony Blair. (This was even though Tony Liar was considered a “big hitter”, ie good at hitting other countries with bombs.)
President Pumpy’s duties will comprise:
Quickly becoming massively unpopular with the citizens of Europe
Turning the European Union machinery upon the world stage, milking the Brussels gravy train, and other mixed metaphors.
Having high-level meetings with the Prime Minister of Belgium (himself) and other important international figures.
Liaising with President Obama and doing whatever he tells him to.
Thinking about ringing the leader of China, then deciding against it.
Wall You Need to Know
This was build years ago to separate Scotland and England. One can only be struck by the emotional scenes when the Berlin Wall was torn down and the people from either side embraced each other. In contrast, there has never been any suggestion of tearing down Hadrian’s useful wall or of any embraces in the area. The Scottish consider the English to be stuck-up toffs, whilst the English fear the sounds of the fagpipes.
The Great Wall of China
This was built in order to give Westerners visiting China something to walk along, whilst raising money for charity and “discovering” themselves.
The Writing on the Wall
This expression suggesting a portent of doom originates from the Old Testament of the Holly Bible. Words are written by disembodied fingers of a human hand on a wall of King Belshazzar of Babylon’s palace during a drunken feast. The message reads: “God has numbered the days of your kingdom and brought it to an end. You have been weighed on the scales and found wanting. Your kingdom is divided and given to the Medes and Persians.” That very night King Belshazzar is slain. A truly horrific evening for all concerned.
These days, writing on the wall usually means sharing dull drivel with the world upon someone’s Facebonk wall.
This is the place in America where the finances of the world going to the wall was planned by the method of acquiring toxic assets (ie assets which are marginally less valuable than dog dirt).
Horror and Ghouls
The first person to view a horror film was Master Jesus Christ, who received (from the three wise men) gold, myrrh and Frankenstein (on DVD).
If you are writing a letter to a zombie, you should begin: Tomb it may concern.
If you hear moaning in the night, it may well be a ghost making love. Also, a ghost is often accompanied by an icy chill. That is because they get a lot of colds and spend most of their time coffin. By the way, ghosts do not live forever. Sometimes they come by an accident, such as getting locked in the mausoleum (even ghosts cannot walk through walls that thick!) They then become a ghost’s ghost. Many ghosts do not believe in ghost’s ghosts.
If you go on a date with a vampire, it’s best to make your excuses before the vampire goes in for the kiss. On no account, order garlic bread during the meal. Or stake. And avoid stabbing at your food with a crucifix.