Bake Off Baybayyyy!!!!

Mary Berry Paul Foot


I wanted to write something about the Great British Bake Off. Above ye can see a footograph of Merry Beret, in all her glory, captured by me on the iPhone 6 from across my friend, Ursula’s, living room.*

I will talk more about Merry Beret in a bit, but what I would like to say initially at this stage is – she thinks she’s SO SUPERIOR in all baking related matters! I love it.

Anyway, I resisted watching the Bake Off for a long time, despite being interested in cooking, mainly because I could not imagine a television programme more boring than a load of saddos baking cakes.


Oh My Gaaad!

The DRAMA! Team #GBBO baybayyyy!!!!!**

A bit like how I can easily get sucked into watching The Apprentice or the snooker, Bake Off does that clever thing of making a massive deal out of almost nothing, aided of course by whirling music, panning camera shots, very clever editing, and of course top presenters.

Which brings me onto my first point…


Mel and Sue


Highly professional presenters, I like how they always alternate and never mess it up, including on the show’s narration. They also distribute their jokes evenly so that it’s always fair. The only thing I can’t cope with very well is when they say “BAKE” – as soon as I know that bit is coming I have to go and sit on the stairs, bury my head in a coat, and count to ten before re-entering the room.


I love how there are shows on telly where you can win thousands of pounds all the time but on Bake Off they’re really stingy, but wrap it all up to look like blitz spirit and quintessential English manners. Essentially it’s “You’re our star baker this week! THANKS FOR NOTHING!” They could at least win a whisk or something. Or what about one of those nice Smeg fridges that they’re pretending not to advertise? Here! Give your Gran one of these babe! But no. NOTHING!

Also – I had an idea. One week they should announce the star baker, and then send them home! Just to keep everyone on their toes. The format is too trustworthy. Shake it up a bit. One episode Merry Beret should just casually slide someone’s cake onto the floor, and then stick her shoe in it, and then carry on as normal. No explanation. SHE’S NOT THEIR SLAVE!

Oh – and another idea – Has anyone ever tried to make an edible bog brush? Maybe a cake for an enthusiastic toilet cleaner?


Erm. Who is he? I don’t understand. His surname is Hollywood? What’s going on? The show just acts itself out and unfolds as if the whole of Britain are meant to know loads about Paul Hollywood. Who are you, love? Did he win the last series? Does he write books about cakes too? I know I could just Google him, but that’s not the point, there’s a pecking order. He ain’t famous in MY BOOK BAYBAYYYY! Why don’t they get a real celebrity to replace him like Trevor McDonald?


Who’s that one who looks like that one off Spooks?


I’ve not watched this week’s episode yet. But in last week’s episode I started fantasising about storming onto the set and saying to Merry Beret “No one wants or needs to bake genoese, love. Gerrover it DOLL!”


Hint Of Lemon


My friend sent me this footograph of a wet wipe in a fried chicken restaurant, and said he found it funny because what you really need after eating in this particular fried chicken restaurant is ten wet wipes and a shower followed by ten weeks of therapy.

Anyway, it reminded me of Bake Off because Merry Beret is always banging on about how there’s just a hint of lime, or she can taste a hint of lavender or Archer’s  or whatever it is. And I thought it would be amusing if Merry Beret and Paul Holly-who? came over and said “Hmm.. I can’t taste the lemon” and then I would go “OH MY GADD!!! I TOTALLY FORGOT!!!” and then reach into my breast pocket and pull out “A Hint Of Lemon” and start wiping my cake with it frantically.


Actually, no. There is no seven. I want to get out the house now.


PF xxx

*Technically the dying room, but that’s another conversation.
** The hash tag GBBO could also stand for Great British Body Odour.

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