Left Whinge – 14th Septet 2016
It has been announced that Jeremy Corbyn's constituency is to disappear, following boundary changes that may finally succeed in getting rid of him where ...
Left Whinge – 14th Septet 2016
It has been announced that Jeremy Corbyn’s constituency is to disappear, following boundary changes that may finally succeed in getting rid of him where all else (plus Angela Eagle) failed. What better time to look back on Jeremy’s first year as Labia leader and his many achievements:
Delivered a sensational, rousing address to the Labour Party conference with all the rhetorical flourish of a damp teacup, in which he was kind enough to read out the stage directions from his autocue: “strong message here.”
Misunderstood the words “Her Majesty’s Official Opposition”, and thought he was supposed to oppose the Queen rather than the Government. He refused to sing God Save The Queen, or meet Elizabeth R in the privy and kiss her ring.
Introduced a kinder kind of politics. Unfortunately, it turned out to be more of a Kinder Egg kind of politics, with a lot of nasty surprises like bricks being put through opponents’ windows.
Boarded a railway train and sat on the floor and complained of a ram-packed service. Trains can sometimes be jam-packed or rammed; a ram-packed carriage is a more serious matter, though, as male sheep can be very uncomfortable to sit next to with their horns and hot woolly coats.
Meanwhile, David Cameron has decided to quit as an MP.
The Right (wing) Dishonourable David Cameron MP (Member for Pig’s Mouth), committed back-bencher and diligent constituency MP with no interest in making millions on the international public speaking/corporate advice circuit, 13th July 2016 – 12th September 2016. RIP (relax in prosperity).
No Nursery Rhyme Or Reason – 1st Septet 2016
During a visit to Mexico, Humpty Trumpty has defended his controversial decision to build a wall along its border with the USA. The hilarious-looking ...
No Nursery Rhyme Or Reason – 1st Septet 2016
During a visit to Mexico, Humpty Trumpty has defended his controversial decision to build a wall along its border with the USA. The hilarious-looking figure of fun denied that the wall would end up breaking him, and said he is not sitting on the fence when it comes to who should pay for it. Humpty Trumpty said he has the right policies to win the US presidential election in November and was going to “have a great Fall (Autumn)”.
Labour Parting – 8th Julie 2016
Let's focus on the leadership contest that no-one's talking about: the battle to lead the slow motion failed coup against ...
Labour Parting – 8th Julie 2016
Let’s focus on the leadership contest that no-one’s talking about: the battle to lead the slow motion failed coup against Jeremy Corbyn. It’s a race between Angular Eagle and Owing Jones to decide who will be the candidate to declare that they would have run against Jeremy Corbyn if they’d had the guts but actually won’t be because they haven’t and wouldn’t have won anyway. Glandular Eagle is still the bookies’ favourite to be the unofficial leader of the not-very-effective opposition to Her Majesty’s Official (and also not-very-effective) Opposition.
Meanwhile, the race for female Prime Minister is now between Theresa “just getting on with the job” May and Andrea “just making up some old jobs that I never did” Ledsome(on), after opportunist back-stabber Liz Kendall was voted off the shortlist for being too Tory.
The Wettest June on Record – 20th Juniper 2016They say this month could be the UK's wettest June on record. With this in mind, may I interest you in my latest ...Join the Guild
The Wettest June on Record – 20th Juniper 2016They say this month could be the UK’s wettest June on record. With this in mind, may I interest you in my latest merchandise item: The Wettest June On Record.This lovingly crafted gramophone record features the sounds of our lovely wet month. Here are the track listings in full (until I get bored):Side 1:Track 1: sound of drizzleTrack 2: sound of rainTrack 3: thunderTrack 4: hailstorm noisesTrack 5: etc etcOn Side 2, I have recorded people’s conversations about this momentous weather, with comments such as, “Call this a summer?” and, “Well, at least it’s good for the garden!”My record is available to you for just over one hundred pounds – far less than the money you’ll save by staying in all month, waiting for the sun to come out. So you’ll be quids in, as will I.Please send cheques to my lawyers at:Sir Roger Crumble QCTax Haven LegalsPanamaOr just send cash in a grubby envelope to:Mr Paul FootTurncoat LaneEssex
Queen’s Screech – 20th Mayonnaise 2016
A weird old woman has gone on a rant in the Houses of Parliament. The 90-year-old pensioner arrived at Westminster yesterday by coach (Imperial State ...
Queen’s Screech – 20th Mayonnaise 2016
A weird old woman has gone on a rant in the Houses of Parliament. The 90-year-old pensioner arrived at Westminster yesterday by coach (Imperial State Coach) from a provincial estate (possibly Sandringham, Balmoral, or one of her other ones) and started wittering on to anyone who’d listen about improving the prison service and NHS, making society fairer etc., etc. The vague and incoherent plans and hollow promises went on for over ten minutes, with members of the Houses of Lords and Commons listening in shocked silence; before she delivered a few parting comments such as, “I live in a little home up the road. It’s not much, but it’s my palace,” “those Chinese are awfully rude,” and, “I’m the Queen of Canada, honest!” The fantasist and her cantankerous husband were bundled in to the back of their solid gold, 12-horse-power vehicle and taken away for a banquet.
Anti-Semantics – 3rd Mayonnaise 2016Several Labour Party members have been suspended after it was revealed that they had made anti-Tory comments. One even ...
Anti-Semantics – 3rd Mayonnaise 2016Several Labour Party members have been suspended after it was revealed that they had made anti-Tory comments. One even suggested that all Tories should move to America (and presumably join Donald Trump).The acting Labour leader, Junior Corby Trouser Press said, “We will not tolerate anti-Conservative sentiment in our Party. We are a friendly party who welcome everyone, including Tories.”Others have accused the Labour Party of being in denial about the problem. A senior backbench Conservative MP called Liz Kendall, who did not wish to be named, said, “It’s time the socialists faced up to a significant strain within its ranks of people who do not support the Tories and wish us to be wiped off the political map.”The crisis comes at a bad time for the Labour Party, who are now expected to receive no votes at all from Tories at the forthcoming local elections.from Mr. Paul Foot, Life President of the Guild of Paul Foot Connoisseurs
King William the Fiftieth – 7th Apricot 2016As we approach the Queen's 90th birthday in a few weeks, let us spare a thought for another royal, largely forgotten these ...
King William the Fiftieth – 7th Apricot 2016As we approach the Queen’s 90th birthday in a few weeks, let us spare a thought for another royal, largely forgotten these days, who also has a big birthday coming up: Prince William, who will be 50 later this year. In honour of this milestone, here are some facts about Him at a glance.1. Staid, dull, out of touch, privileged and irrelevant, William is nevertheless worthy of our deep respect and reverence, of course.2. Massively unpopular with the public, plus bald; many hope that, after the Queen is gone, the Crown will pass directly to William’s popular, charismatic son, Georgie, 0.3. Will’s wifey, Our Kate, was once tipped to be one of the world’s most beautiful women; but nowadays looks a real fright in her awful, frumpy Duchess outfits. Attention is turning to why William did not marry Katie’s sister, Pepper Middleton.4. Willy’s half-brother, Harry, was once photographed wearing only his bare bottom during a Las Vegas sax session.5. The least popular royal (with the exception of Princesses Anne, Edward and Andrew) remains Camilla, Duchess of Benson and Hedges; who, nevertheless, would be great fun at a dinner party.from Mr. Paul Foot, Life President of the Guild of Paul Foot Connoisseurs
Brexit: Confused Dot Con – 18th Marsh 2016It has been revealed that 97% of migrants attempting to get into the EU are desperate asylum seekers fleeing war and persecution / economic ...
Brexit: Confused Dot Con – 18th Marsh 2016It has been revealed that 97% of migrants attempting to get into the EU are desperate asylum seekers fleeing war and persecution / economic migrants chancing their arm at a better life at our expense.This is why it’s so important that we remain in the EU so we can work together to solve this humanitarian crisis / leave the EU so we can reestablish control of our own borders.In other news, financial experts have stated that a Brexit would harm our trade with Europe and diminish our standing in the world / allow us to agree better trading arrangements with Europe and make us a stronger world power.Also, if we left, we’d still have to abide by the rules of the EU, but without having a say / could make our own rules, which would be a lot better.A vote to leave would be totally irresponsible and a dangerous leap into the unknown / a jump from a sinking ship and the best thing we’ve ever done.At the end of the day, no one’s saying Europe is perfect – it needs reform- but we’re stronger together / Europe is undemocratic and unaccountable and we’re better off out of it.The vote looms. I’ve given you all the information. Now you decide.from Mr. Paul Foot, Life President of the Guild of Paul Foot Connoisseurs
5 Things I Love About Donald Trump – 2nd Fabruary 2016A man called Donald Trump has been in the news a lot lately. He’s well heeled and well trending! All of a sudden everyone has an opinion ...
5 Things I Love About Donald Trump – 2nd Fabruary 2016A man called Donald Trump has been in the news a lot lately. He’s well heeled and well trending! All of a sudden everyone has an opinion on Donald T. Rump, even my friend Dot who works down at the dogs. Where did these opinions come from? Donald Frump’s carefully designed attention wheel? C’EST PAS VRAI MAUREEN!But ye see – as much as we hate Donald Chump because of what we’ve seen on the internet – Donnie don’t care baybayyyy! Actually, he does care… about getting as much publicity as possible in the run up to a major election campaign.Does he really hate immigrants when all of his wives, ex-wives, chefs, pool assistants and in-house tortoise-themed ceramicists (Rep-Tiles.Com is one of T. Rump’s lesser known cash cows) are ALL immigrants? Of course he doesn’t! Stupid people hate immigrants, and who does Donald Mumps need the support of in winning an American election? I’ve no idea because I’ve lost interest, but here are 5 Things That I Love About Donald Trump.Number 1)HE’S WELL CLEVERLet’s not beat around around the bush. Actually let’s! Donald Trump is a top business chap, plastic surgery pioneer and reality TV legend. That’s actually three reasons to love Donald Trump. But let’s focus on what really matters: Reality TV baybayyyyy!! Donald Trump, as we all know, starred in the popular television show The Apprentice. What’s more – he quit while he was ahead. Meanwhile, here in England, Alan Sugar is still looking into Qur’an Brady’s chest for answers that are never going to come. Donald Trump is clever, and that’s why he has more chance of becoming the President than Alan Sugar does of becoming the Crime Minister. Imagine that. What a shocker!**Remember – Donald Trump went to Pencil-vania University because he really, really wanted to. There was never a question of him being not quite smart enough for Harvard, Yale or Princeton….Number 2)HIS HAIR!His hair! Speaking as someone with a distinctive hairstyle, and – let’s not beat around the bush, literally this time – (I am the inventor of the long back and sides – I’ve even patented it – Slade are actually just my pension plan) I can identify as a fellow hair icon with how much hard work is involved. Never mind employing someone to manage my hair, I have to employ someone just to manage the comment boards about it – in Amersham church yard, let alone the rest of the world.It’s all too easy to make jokes about Trump’s hair, but as we know from world-famous brunettes of the past such as Marilyn Monroe – blondes have more fun! In other words, blondes are always up for a sax session. Look no further than popular culture blondes Pat Butcher, Myra Hindley and that one off ITV.Number 3)HE’S HAVING A WHALE OF A TIME!While all of us complain about how much we dislike Donald Trump… it almost seems like he doesn’t care! Could it be that he’s one of the Top 10 wealthiest people in the world? While you craft those poisonous tweets, he could, in theory, respond by just buying Twitter tomorrow and shutting it down JUST FOR THE LOLZ. “What about Twitter’s board of trustees?” you cry. OH MY GADD! THEY’VE ALL BEEN POISONED IN THEIR SLEEP – WHAT ARE THE CHANCES!?Number 4)HIS NAME!Donald’s one of the only famous Donalds in the world. He’s a personal branding genius! Or has he had all other Donalds assassinated the second they start to show promise? He’s the King Herod of Manhattan! Herod – another top notch name.Number 5)ANTI-WARDonald Trump is anti-war, something we all admire in him. He’s so anti war that he managed to dodge being drafted into the Vietnam War numerous times, although admittedly this was because he has a serious condition called ‘Spurred Heel’ in one of his feet. When interviewed recently and asked which foot it was in.. he couldn’t remember… BUT THAT DOESN’T MATTER! Our Donnie’s a busy man.
Inter-not – 8th Decadence 2015The Internet is to be disbanded at the end of this month. The surprise UN (new year's) resolution was passed after it was ...
Inter-not – 8th Decadence 2015The Internet is to be disbanded at the end of this month. The surprise UN (new year’s) resolution was passed after it was realised that the Web was taking up too much of everyone’s time and trouble.The Internet will be methodically phased out. Here is the timetable:12th Decadence: Facebook closed down,. This will force people to actually see their friends in person. As for “online contacts”, it has been decided that if you have never met someone then you don’t know them. So just forget about them.14th: Skype shut off. Let’s face it, it never really worked properly anyway. So this will go pretty much unnoticed.17th: The last ever email will be sent at 2:07am (a message urging someone to buy viagra). After this, there will be no more spam; and, instead of being cc’ed into 76 emails you don’t need to read, you will able to just get on with your job! It will also free up the @ symbol to go back to its old job of appearing on accountants’ ledgers.21st: All web forums ended. Online trolls will have to pluck up the courage to make idle threats against women in real life, or else get a life themselves.28th: Television on the iPlayer scrapped. You will have to watch whatever is currently on the telly, or just not bother.31st Decadence at 1:09pm. No more wifi or 3G connection problems ever again! The Internet is turned off for good. Why not read a good book, or go for a walk?In the meantime, remember to print off all your emails and web pages you’ve visited and send them to the newly-built Museum of the Internet, 46 Turncoat Lane, Essex, so that your children and grandchildren can see what you spent all your time on.Have a great 2016.