Paul Foot

Left Whinge – 14th Septet 2016

It has been announced that Jeremy Corbyn’s constituency is to disappear, following boundary changes that may finally succeed in getting rid of him where all else (plus Angela Eagle) failed. What better time to look back on Jeremy’s first year as Labia leader and his many achievements:

Delivered a sensational, rousing address to the Labour Party conference with all the rhetorical flourish of a damp teacup, in which he was kind enough to read out the stage directions from his autocue: “strong message here.”

Misunderstood the words “Her Majesty’s Official Opposition”, and thought he was supposed to oppose the Queen rather than the Government. He refused to sing God Save The Queen, or meet Elizabeth R in the privy and kiss her ring.

Introduced a kinder kind of politics. Unfortunately, it turned out to be more of a Kinder Egg kind of politics, with a lot of nasty surprises like bricks being put through opponents’ windows.

Boarded a railway train and sat on the floor and complained of a ram-packed service. Trains can sometimes be jam-packed or rammed; a ram-packed carriage is a more serious matter, though, as male sheep can be very uncomfortable to sit next to with their horns and hot woolly coats.

Meanwhile, David Cameron has decided to quit as an MP.

The Right (wing) Dishonourable David Cameron MP (Member for Pig’s Mouth), committed back-bencher and diligent constituency MP with no interest in making millions on the international public speaking/corporate advice circuit, 13th July 2016 – 12th September 2016. RIP (relax in prosperity).

No Nursery Rhyme Or Reason – 1st Septet 2016

During a visit to Mexico, Humpty Trumpty has defended his controversial decision to build a wall along its border with the USA. The hilarious-looking figure of fun denied that the wall would end up breaking him, and said he is not sitting on the fence when it comes to who should pay for it. Humpty Trumpty said he has the right policies to win the US presidential election in November and was going to “have a great Fall (Autumn)”.

Labour Parting – 8th Julie 2016

Let’s focus on the leadership contest that no-one’s talking about: the battle to lead the slow motion failed coup against Jeremy Corbyn. It’s a race between Angular Eagle and Owing Jones to decide who will be the candidate to declare that they would have run against Jeremy Corbyn if they’d had the guts but actually won’t be because they haven’t and wouldn’t have won anyway. Glandular Eagle is still the bookies’ favourite to be the unofficial leader of the not-very-effective opposition to Her Majesty’s Official (and also not-very-effective) Opposition.

Meanwhile, the race for female Prime Minister is now between Theresa “just getting on with the job” May and Andrea “just making up some old jobs that I never did” Ledsome(on), after opportunist back-stabber Liz Kendall was voted off the shortlist for being too Tory.

Queen’s Screech – 20th Mayonnaise 2016

A weird old woman has gone on a rant in the Houses of Parliament. The 90-year-old pensioner arrived at Westminster yesterday by coach (Imperial State Coach) from a provincial estate (possibly Sandringham, Balmoral, or one of her other ones) and started wittering on to anyone who’d listen about improving the prison service and NHS, making society fairer etc., etc. The vague and incoherent plans and hollow promises went on for over ten minutes, with members of the Houses of Lords and Commons listening in shocked silence; before she delivered a few parting comments such as, “I live in a little home up the road. It’s not much, but it’s my palace,” “those Chinese are awfully rude,” and, “I’m the Queen of Canada, honest!” The fantasist and her cantankerous husband were bundled in to the back of their solid gold, 12-horse-power vehicle and taken away for a banquet.