Nottingham & Manchester Diary

Wrensday 1st Fabruary! 2012

Last week I had the fun of my little jaunt to Aberdeen in the airship. This week is even more exciting. Today, I am performing in Nottingham. Dressing room fools such as R. Hound and R. Herring said that it would be best to stay in an ‘otel in Nottingham, then make the short rail journey to Manchester (which, apparently is round the corner from Nottingham), but I consider that ridiculous and not as fun as travelling to and from Nottingham by train just for the day, then voyaging to Manchester the next afternoon by luxury airship. Besides, the proximity or otherwise of these two Northern towns is of no concern to me. What I do know is that they are both a long way from my house and long journeys mean laptop typing and laptop typing means work and work, in my case, means humour.

The train to Nottingham was very nyce and I had macaroons and an apple and the juice of an apple and the onboard wifis didn’t work but I wasn’t bothered. My worker, Aaron Kilkenny-Sletcher is obsessed with making sure that I am always close to wifis. As I have repeatedly tried to explain to his brain, I do not require the wifis, as HE is my link to the internet. Who would bother logging on, when you can pick up the phone to a worker in London, whose job it is to log on for you? Plus one has the added satisfaction of being able to let off steam and ‘have a go’, with a good old shout and cry at one’s beleaguered colleague.

I did some work on my laptop in Nottingham library. Libraries do not seem to be quiet any more. People were having chats, and the staff were noisy. No one ever went ‘sshhh’, like in comedy sketches and films.

The show in Nottingham was called Set List and the audience of Set List were very good. The other comedians and I had to make up humour based on words flashed onto the screen. By 9.15 I was back at the steam railway station of Nottingham, in the warmth of the train. I did a lot of work on my laptop, as the country pottered past; then went homo.


Thirsty 2nd Fabruary! 2012

Leaving my house at 9.45, I could have driven to Manchester, and been there by 12.30. Much more fun and productive was to drive to Heathrow Aerodrome, leave my car with the nyce men, enjoy a breakfast of pancakes, pastrami and salads and lunch of beef stew and red wine and fruit salad, whilst doing some work, then board a gay craft for the short Bloody Mary flight to Manchester, then catch a train to the library and sit there with my laptop. Several hours of uninterrupted work / pleasant thoughts / eating / relaxation / view glancing / merriment.

In the evensong, I did a turn in Ramsbottom, which was very nyce and unexpected, as I had not been expecting to perform in Ramsbottom. Then I went to Bury and did a show there, which was also nyce. Then I went home, although not to my home, but the home of a man who lives up north called Paul, but not me.


Flyday 3rd Fabruary! 2012

I wakened at 9.37am, full of concern for my worker, Aaron Kilkenny-Sletcher, who started work seven minutes ago. I then remembered that I did not need to worry, as there is nothing I can do to improve him, and nodded off till 12.08pm. Rising before noon is extremely unnatural for any artist and is to be avoided whenever possible. I mused upon which days in the coming month or so I will be afforded this privilege and came up with this sleep calendar:

4th Fab! Rise 11am for airport. Could rise later, but I prefer to rise earlier, to allow time for Manchester Aerodrome luncheon & cocktails. Sleep rating: A (acceptable)

5th Fab! Rise 8.45am, in order to meet my friend Death prior to a drive to Nanna Foot’s for luncheon, followed by crazy golf etc. A fun day, with an horrifically early start. Sleep rating: S (stressy)

6th Fab! Rise 8am, as I am doing spring cleaning at Nanna’s. However, nodding off throughout the day in the sleeping bag in the warm lounge is de rigueur, plus I shall have had an early night beforehand, as everyone must be in bed by 11pm at Nanna’s. Sleep rating: S

7th Fab! After enforced early night, rise mid morning, as I must be up not too late at Nanna’s, or else she knocks on my door and puts the telly on loud to waken me and gives me porridge and goes on about how breakfast is the most important meal of the day. A relatively relaxed day of whist at the whist drive club, Chinese takeaway (a real treat for Nanna Foot) and sleeping bag dozes. Sleep rating: A

8th Fab! Another early night, then rise at 9am, ready for Nanna Foot’s routine hospital appointment, followed by luncheon, then driving to my manager’s house to record a top-secret project, followed by an early night. Sleep rating: A

9th Fab! Rise about 9 or 10, as my worker Aaron Kilkenny-Sletcher has summonsed me to a luncheon with maverick businesswomen, plus various pieces of work he wants me to do at his silly office. Sleep rating: A-

10th Fab! Rise around 1pm, then go to London to do a Secret Show. Sleep rating: B (blissful)

11th Fab! Nothing to do all day, apart from possibly heading into London to pick up a showbiz jacket that’s been made for me, probably in the afternoon, but maybe morning. Sleep rating: B / S

12th Fab! An early night precedes rising before 9, in order to drive to my father’s for luncheon and a full day of this and that. Sleep rating: A

13th Fab! Rise around 6, to shave meticulously, wash hair etc, in readiness for all-day photoshoot. Sleep rating: H (horrific)

14th Fab! Rise early afternoon, then do Secret Show. Sleep rating: B

15th Fab! Following late night, rise at 9.30am, to see Nanna Foot for luncheon, followed by sleeping bag lounge dozing. Sleep rating: A

16th Fab! Rise at 12.03pm, followed by swimming and swimming luncheon, followed by nothing. Sleep rating: B

17th Fab! Rise late morning, to catch a luxury train to Leicester, do a show there and stay in an ‘otel all posh with a bath and nyce warm sheets. Sleep rating: B (blissful) / L (luxury)

18th Fab! Stay in bed in the ‘otel all day, then do a show, then take a luxury train homo. Sleep rating: B / L

19th Fab! Rise about 5am, for a luxury car / luxury airship to Melbourne. No phone calls from Aaron / Ian at their silly office, lots of eating and drinking of non-alcoholic beverages such as purple carrot juice and lychee on Royal Brunei Airlines. Lots of listening to lovely music on my special noise-cancelling headphones, watching films, nodding off, relaxing in airports such as Dubai and Bandar Seri Begawan and more eating. Sleep rating: B / L / E (exciting)

20th Fab! Still engaged upon the above. Sleep rating: B / L / E / M (more, more, more, please!)

21st Fab! Doze all day in an ‘otel room in Melbourne. Sleep rating: B / L

22nd Fab! Do things in Melbourne that I don’t know about yet. Sleep rating: U (unknown) / E

23rd Fab! Do a TV show in Melbourne. Sleep rating: E

24th Fab! Not sure what’s happening this day, because Aaron won’t tell me. Sleep rating: U / E

25th Fab! Doze till late morning, then return to the aerodrome for more of the usual. Sleep rating: B / L / E / M

26th Fab! Arrive back at Heathrow Aerodrome at 6.40am, go homo and doze all day. Doze rating: B

27th Fab! Rise after midday and do a Secret Show, unless Aaron makes me come to the office earlier in the day to do stuff with him. Sleep rating: B / H

28th Fab! After a late night, rise early to drive to Nanna Foot’s to celebrate her 93rd birthing day with her all day. Sleep rating: H. Special day with Nanna rating: P (perfect)

29th Fab! Do stuff all day that Aaron’s arranging for me, then do a Secret Show. Plus packing. Sleep rating: H

1st Marsh. Sleep till 5pm or something like that, then luxury car to Heathrow Aerodrome, then relax at my favourite airport and spiritual home, then Cathay Specific luxury jumbo to Honk Kong, then luxury car for a 24-hour stay in the world’s tallest ‘otel, in their highest room, have a massage and swim in the world’s highest swimming pool, then luxury car to Honk Kong Aerodrome for relaxation, followed by luxury craft to Adelaide. Sleep rating: B / L / E / M. Excitement rating: O (overload)


I spent the afternoon in bed, performing light admin, writing on my laptop, and enjoying further dozes.


Join the Guild