Melbourne Diary – Janitor 2014 AD

The trip started, as always, with a gin and tonic in the car on the way to the aerodrome. Luckily I was not driving this time. I entered the underrated haven that is Heathrow Terminal 3 and had some luncheon of salmon and gin sorbet and whatnot. Then I went to another part of the airfield where I had an artichoke salad and spoke to a man who was taking down the Christmas lights and I wept slightly as I was already a bit drunken from gin. Then I went to another place where they normally have dragon fruit but they didn’t have it today so I launched a bitter war of words and had a chocolate torte instead and drank many wines and then I went on to the aeroplane but not before I received a call from my agent to tell me my career was going quite well. The flight to Helsinki was very pleasant and then I had a martini cocktail made by Tomas of Finland and a shower and then I went on a big aeroplane and flew to Singapore and I can’t remember what I ate or drink apart from mussel soup and port wine and then we landed and I had a shower and boarded a big BA bird and fell asleep and also drank wines and spake to a nice man in the seat next to me and had papaya salad and scones and then we landed at Sydney and I went to the botanical gardens and looked at the eels, like normal. And it was not very warm but I still got burnt from the clouds after being out all day and writing humour by a lido near Mrs McQuarie’s chair and then I went to the airfield and had Tasmanian wines and soups and boarded a Queensland And Northern Territory Aerial Services craft bound for Melbourne, which is in fact where I ended up. And I went to an ‘ostel in South Yarra and fell asleep and met strange people and did art and met my friends and did art for ten days solid and did press interviews and ate chocolate cakes for publicity shots and then it was time to go to another ‘otel and have a swim I the sunshine which was 44 degrees centigrade and a taxi driver took me to the aerodrome after I’d had a freshly squeezed orange juice in the ‘otel for free for being famous and I flew to Sydney and rested in an ‘ostel there and then went to the airfield and got on a Cathay Specific craft bound for Honk Kong and I can’t remember much about the flight apart from the excellent foods and wines and I was ordered to paint a picture for the ¬†assistant trainer heterosexual-style pilot who came and sat with me for one hour which was nice and then we’ll landed at Honk Kong airfield and I had a bath and a big dinner with ¬†wines and sake and then flew to Helsinki, which was pleasant and had a shower and flew to Londres in a British Airways airship with cooked breakfast and then I landed and had a whisky as I (not I, literally!) drove homo.

My next trip was in March and it was again to the country of Australia. I was very excited because, on this trip, I was to be accompanied by my friend and hairdresser Gianni. 

from Mr Paul Foot, Life President, the Guild of Paul Foot Connoisseurs

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