Hawaii and Dixby – Janitor 2016
Saturnday 2nd Janitor 2016
I met with my worker, Aaron Kilkenny-Sletcher, at my local aerodrome, which happens to be one of the world’s busiest airports. We had lunch and wines and flew to Dublin to see various people including Uncle Liam, a sky-fearing film historian, Auntie Catherine, and a tiny feminist former Norfolk bus conductor – people without whom Aaron would not exist. Then we went to sleep.
Sundae 3rd Janitor 2016
We flew to London from Dublin Airport, which is very disorganised. You have to be ruthless to get anywhere there. It’s absolutely brutal. The Irish people who run it are very nice though. On the aeroplane, we had a series of Bucks Fizzes and some meats and cheeses and then we had lunch at Heathrow Airfield with wines and then we went on a big bird owned by British Airways Plc called the A380 and flew to San Francisco and the food was terribly good and we had a party with wines which also involved various other drunkards who happened to have boarded the craft and then we landed at San Francisco and didn’t tip the taxi driver properly by accident and went to sleep.
Moonday 4th Janitor 2016
We walked round America for a bit but not that much of America as we only had an hour spare and I went swimming and then we flew to Los Angeles with wines and played chess at the airport and then we flew to Kona, Hawaii Big Island which took over six hours and involved wines (for me) and then we rented a car and Aaron drove on the wrong side of the road and he was very good at it and we arrived at our plantation hotel and had a sleep in a cottage.
Tunesday 5th Janitor 2016
We did writing and ate star fruit and I went swimming in volcanic lava beach.
Wrensday 6th Janitor 2016
We did writing and ate rambutan fruit and went swimming in big waves at different beach.
Thirsty 7th Janitor 2016
We ate papaya and got heatstroke in hot tub in sun and drove (on wrong side of road) to the top of a volcano and stayed at Volcano House, 1 Crater Rim Drive, Volcano, Hawaii (actual address). We fell asleep and so missed dinner, which saved money.
Friedegg 8th Janitor 2016
We woke up to notice that the volcano was on fire! We did writing whilst walking round and within a massive crater formed in 1984 which had steam coming out of it as the crater was still cooling!
Saturnday 9th Janitor 2016
We did writing whilst walking over a massive landscape of black lava rock that felt like we were on an alien planet and noticed that the ground had opened up and had gaps in it leading to the centre of the Earth and it was also the sort of place that you’d find a body in a murder show.
Sundae 10th Janitor 2016
We flew to Maui Island and saw the world’s top (in every sense) astronomical observatory, which was above the clouds and on the same level as us! Then we drove in the wrong side of the road to our B&B, which was quite a nyce B&B, as it had a swimming pool and private garden with hammock.
Moonday 11th Janitor 2016
We did writing in private garden whilst occasionally splashing in the pool then did more writing at Airport Beach, which used to have an airport on it fifty year ago. We saw a turtle and loadsa fishes.
Tunesday 12th Janitor 2016
We did writing at different beach and ate at romance restaurant next to the breaking waves and palm trees but did not feel romantic only businesslike as we ain’t romantic couple but fat cat and wage slave.
Wrensday 13th Janitor 2016
We did writing in beach by turtles and also went whale watching and saw a lady whale showing off to us and to three gentleman whales. She showed us her spout and also her fins and part of her vagina. Then we flew to Phoenix in a funny old aeroplane that must have been considered well posh when John Major was prime minister.
Thirsty 14th Janitor 2016
We accidentally didn’t tip the taxi driver from airport by accident and then we went to a top cactus garden that was all lit up at night and drank fermented cactus and ate a strange dinner and realised that the desert and also the dessert gets cold at night. We came back by taxi as it was too cold to walk and we tipped the taxi driver properly this time.
Flyday 15th Janitor 2015
We flew to Las Vegas and had a day in that marvellous and fun place. We saw the Sphinx and Treasure Island and the Eiffel Towel and the Ark de Triomphe and St Mark’s Square, Venice and had a top quality day of corporate bondage and then we flew to London on the magnificent Boating 747 Jumbo Jet and had wines with Queen Stephanie and other top quality British Airways persons.
Saturnday 16th Janitor 2016
As we were coming in to land, Aaron could not see me next to him. The cabin crew could not find me either, but they said, “He can’t have just got off!” As it happened, I had fallen asleep due to wines in another part of the aeroplane. Indeed on another floor. Then we went to Heathrow for wines and flew around a bit more and then went homo.
Wrensday 20th Janitor 2016
My step-father and I left for our late-night flight at the civilised hour of 4pm, with gin served in the motor car during the drive. We had a dinner of scallops and pear done four ways and wines and cocktails and a tour of the airport and massages and then we went on the aeroplane and had more sparkling wines and lentil soup (invigorated by French red wines) and beef with confit garlic and pudding and sweet wine and whisky and breakfast and then we landed in Dubai and it was
Thirsty 21st Janitor 2016
We went to our hotel in Jumeirah Beach and walked around the local area and noticed that Dubai is absolutely perfect in every way and all pristine and then after a doze met my friend Will at a restaurant and ate meat skewers and drank delicious freshly-squashed fruit juice and no alcohol because it’s not allowed. Then we went to our hotel where alcohol is allowed and had alcohol.
Friedegg 22nd Janitor 2016
We went up the tallest building in the world and went on a boat in the old part of town that cost 10p and went to a bar that tried to mimic a traditional British pub but got it slightly wrong in a nyce way as popcorn was served with each round of drinks.
Saturnday 23rd Janitor 2016
We went on a desert safari and held a buzzard and rode a camel and drank camel’s milk and smoked shisha and saw oryx and antelope and some other animal I’ve forgotten and had no interest in at the time.
Sundae 24th Janitor 2016
We went for drinks and snacks up the top of the poshest ‘otel in the world.
Moonday 25th Janitor 2016
We visited Atlantis on a funny artificial island. It was very peaceful and unusual.
Tunesday 26th Janitor 2016
We went to Abu Dhabi and there was an argument with the taxi driver about £4. A lot of unhappiness. Then I had a margarita.
Wrensday 27th Janitor 2016
I went for a swim in beach and got blisters from flip flops from a dead woman that I’d found on a deserted beach in Hawaii.
Thirsty 28th Janitor 2016
We went on an eccentric boat trip with only four people. Various wild birds in mangroves were pointed out in an urgent, almost panicked way. Then we went to an Arabic Waitrose and also to a massive mosque.
Friedegg 29th Janitor 2016
We met with Penny and Richard and they took us on their big yacht into the sea where we ate oysters and I swam in cold sea water whilst they recklessly chucked oyster shells onto me.
Saturnday 30th Janitor 2016
We visited the Abu Dhabi mammoth and went swimming and had a series of margaritas and then went to the airport and flew homo in a British Airways craft with top quality foods and wines and then had a massage and a bath and breakfast with Shaz at Heathrow Aerodrome and then went homo.