Paul Foot

Australala Diary

Sundae 19^th Fabruary! 2012

As the clock struck midnight at the beginning of this day, I found myself in Leicester, Leicestershire, Europe, upon stage, performing mime plus. I then had to chat to some people, shower in my ‘otel, leave my ‘otel, drive to the shires of the Homo Counties, unpack, pack, realise there was no point going to bed, watch Chanel 4 Racing on the videos, shower, and exit in a taxi, arriving at Heathrow Aerodrome at 7am. I enjoyed a massage from a man called Sam, whom immediately joined the Guild, breakfast of Eggs Pope Benedict and pancakes with fruits and cream, ginger tea and Arabian café, before meeting a lady called Moira as we boarded the craft of Royal Brunei. I enjoyed a glass of my favourite Royal Brunei drink – purple carrot juice, and then we shot into the sky and then I had Darjeeling tea and toasted sesame chicken and grilled scallop on toast canapés and then I told the air hostess I was going to sleep and I did and at an agreed time, four hours later, she wakened me and force fed me julienne chicken and egg noodles with mixed Chinese vegetables, bread selection, cheese and biscuits and grapes and pear chocolate almond pudding and raspberry tart and then we landed at Dubai International Airport, which I call Dixby, since its airport code is DXB.

Moira and I bonded at Dixby, over a series of extravagant Courvoisiers, before reboarding the powerful airship. The ice (and a bottle of brandy) was broken by now and we sat next to each other during take-off and enjoyed mango juice (Royal Brunei had uncharacteristically run out of purple carrot) and after take-off we had jasmine tea and grilled limb of lamb on French bread stick canapé and salmon quiche in mini baguette canapé (a very French loaf-themed canapé collection, I should say) and salmon with lime-flavoured mascarpone quenelle and chilli prawns with braised pak choi glazed with oyster sauce, shitake mushroom, ginger und garlic, bread selection, cheese et biscuits with cheese et biscuit accompaniments, chocolate éclair with chocolate éclair accompaniment (strawberry tart) and, after a doze, fruit salad, fruit smoothie, breakfast bread selection, creamy mushroom crepe with hollandaise sauce, grilled Nuremberg trials sausage, tomato half and asparagus tips (place a cut lemon in your fridge to maintain freshness, etc.) and then we landed at Brunei, Asia, and we had a shower (separately) and got back onto a different yet identical airship and sat next to each other during take-off again, sipping purple carrot juice, and after take-off had further lashings of purple carrot and salmon and tomato quiche canapé and sour cream mousse on toast canapé and then we had a sleep separately and then at the pre-arranged time of 4pm in some unknown time zone the air lady woke us up and I went over to Moira’s den and we had grilled chicken breast with avocado salad and lime mayonnaise and pan-fried snow fish with anchovy butter and olives, boiled potatoes, buttered asparagus hints and glazed carrot, bread selection, cheese and biscuits with the usual, vanilla Bavarian cream with strawberry sauce and brownies and cream cheese and then we landed at Melbourne Aquamarine Aerodrome and after immigration, mine was the very first case off the carrousel, and I was the first passenger out of the airport and Bianca and Katie welcomed me and took me to my usual ‘otel in Melbourne and I went to sleep and by now it was

 

Moonday 20^th Fabruary! 2012

(sorry I forgot to mention this earlier) and by the time I wakened it was

 

Tunesday 21^st Fabruary! 2012

and I rose at noon and went off to do a radio interview and then had a doze and then met Bianca and Miss Zee Brugge for a steak supper, which was pricey but good.

 

Wrensday 22^nd Fabruary! 2012

I rose at luncheontide and took a posh and extravagant lunch that I didn’t pay for but will one day indirectly, of course, with Miss Tatia and Mr Plant, a journalist of the Herald Sun. After saying a lot of things I’ll, sooner or later, come to regret, I had a doze, and then I performed at a special corporate din-dins to mark the launch of the Melbourne Intentional Comedy Festival and it was a success and I went to bed.

 

Thirsty 23^rd Fabruary! 2012

This morning I appeared with my disturbances on a live television show called The Circle. The rest of the day consisted of buying cheese and eating cheese in my room, while watching television and being naked.

 

Flyday 24^th Fabruary! 2012

This luncheontide, I hosted the official l(a)unch of the Melbourne Infernal Comedy Festival, in the presence of The Right Honourable, Lord Mayor of Melbourne, or Rob for short. It was a great success and whatnot and His Royal Mayorship and I got on like a house on fire.

After a doze, I appeared briefly on The Project on Chanel No. 10 as David Foot, and then had supper with top hob nobs off of the Melbourne Internal Comedy Festival and then met with men from a sketch group called Dylan’s Panty and then met with homosexuals of Australala and then went to bed early at 2am and did my packing.

 

Saturnday 25^th Fabruary! 2012

I had a light ‘otel room breakfast of four hardly boiled eggs and went to the aerodrome and ate nothing, as I knew there would be food on the plane and I was right. It was goat cheese in tart shell canapé and spinach and ricotta involtini canapé with purple carrot juice lashings and Darjeeling tea before and after take-off and then, after a four-hour doze, buck breast with mixed lettuce salad and French vinaigrette, baked rosemary lamb shank with mashed sweet potatoes, buttered round carrot and broccoli plus bread selection, cheese and biscuits with walnuts, grapes and whatnot, chocolate fudge pudding with crème anglaise; followed by afternoon tea of finger sandwich selection and scones and cream and jams and then we were in the United Kingdom o’ Brunei and I had a shower at the airport and then got back on the aeroplane and had purple carrot and mushroom vol au vent and roast beef mustard mayonnaise on toast canapé and then, after many hours, I ordered grilled Cajun prawns with orange and cherry tomato, or as they erroneously described it, tomato cherry salad; and grilled chicken beast with French onion sauce and beef crumb, roast potatoes, garlic broccoli almondine – whatever that is – and buttered pumpkin and bread selection, cheese and cheese accompaniments and biscuits and biscuit accompaniments and warm mango tartin and cappuccino mousse in almond chocolate, except without the cappuccino mousse in almond chocolate, as they’d run out but I wasn’t bothered by then, and purple carrot juice and Earl Gay tea and after stopping off in Dubai and failing to get the wifis, I had more purple carrot and Mediterranean vegetable salad with seared tina and, later, two smoothies and muesli and exotique fruits all cut up for jet set people who can’t be bothered and toast and honey and stir-fried pancit noodles with seafood and ginger coriander sauce with pak choi, red pepper and mushroom strips and more purple carrot juice and then we circled over south Essex twice, and north London once and then we landed and it was

 

Sundae 26^th Fabruary! 2012

and I slept all day and was up most of the night, watching Chanel 4 Racing – just like normal – proof that I was not suffering from the jet lags.

 

Moonday 27th Fabruary! 2012

This particular day of my Australalan adventures found me in England. I attended a motivational conference for top international businessmen with another top international businessman, then did my Secret Show®. It was fun. The only cloud hanging over the day was the presence at my Secret Show ™ of my hopeless worker Aaron Kilkenny-Sletcher, reminding me of the many problems facing my firm.

 

Tunesday 28^th Fabruary! 2012

This day was 93 years since the birth of Nanna Foot, Patron Saint of the Guild of Paul Foot Connoisseurs. I drove to Nanna’s house on the south coast of England, Europe, and presented her with a “9 today” badge and a “3 today” badge, which she wore next to each other. We then went to our favourite café (Carlyle’s, which we call Carly’s) for soup und a sandwich, then made an official visit to Tesco, before driving to Squire’s Garden Centre, Chertsey, Surreyshire, where we bought some compost for her birthday and reacquainted ourselves with Mr Toby Vane, Duty Manager, Squires Garden Centre, Chertsey, Homo Counties. This encounter was a pleasant surprise for Nanna Foot; indeed everything on this day was a surprise to her – and had the official status of a Foot’s Mystery Tour, named after the beloved Grandad Foot (1916-2004), who invented Foot’s Mystery Tours.

We then drove to North End Road and its environs and had a literal trip down memory lane, as Nanna looked at a house she had lived in in 1943 and other stuff like that. We then arrived at the excellent Goring ‘Otel, Belgravia, the Western World, where we took tea and, to Nanna’s surprise, were briefly joined by our mutual friend, comedian Scotty Merrington, Then we entered the dining room and, once again, Nanna was pleasingly surprised to see that already at the table were our old friends Jessica, Death, and T. Lock. After a marvellous special occasion meal, we exited and I drove Nanna home and then drove my own personage back to my home, and I was extremely tired and went to sleep.

 

Wrensday 29^th Fabruary! 2012

This day of my Australalan diary also saw me in the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. It is a known fact that one should do something unusual on a leap day, so I decided to have my hair cut on an industrial estate on the outskirts of Reading, Royal Berkshire, by my friend and hairdresser, Gianni aka Penny. By the time he/she had finished with the clippers and my long back and sides was complete, it was time to go to my Secret Show®. I was able to enjoy the stunning beauty of Reading’s town centre, and in particular its diesel train railway station and car park, which is pricey, but you get what you pay for, and Reading Station car park is the undoubted jewel in the crown of the county.

The Secret Show© was marvellous and then I went homo.

 

Thirsty 1^st Marsh 2012

After enjoying the stunning early springtide weather, I boarded a car at 5.30pm that took me and my 32kg suitcase to Heathrow Aerodrome, where I relaxed over supper, Bloody Marys, a massage, vodka and orange and then boarded a Cathay Specific jumbo jest. I cannot speak too highly of Cathay Specific. This was my first time on it. I had champagne and wines and and then I fell asleep and then I had breakfast at four o’clock in the afternoon which featured , , and and then I was in Honk Kong and went to the tallest ‘otel in the world and looked out and saw the tiny cars driving about 484 metres below in the night and had champagne and went to sleep and had two baths and two showers and was disappointed that the next day

 

Flyday 2^nd Marsh 2012

Oh no! actually, by now, it was

 

Saturnday 3^rd Marsh 2012

I could not see out of the window to look at the views as we were stuck in a cloud. This ‘otel is soon to become the second tallest ‘otel in the world. The tallest one will be in Mecca, where they should be fewer clouds, so I think I shall go there next time. I had lunch and a massage and sauna and steam and champagne and herbal tea and cranberries and got back into a car to the aerodrome and there was a lot of bowing and then I had kiwi and melon cocktail and pastrami sandwiches and noodles with peanut sauce and champagne and café and pineapple juice and then I got on the craft and had more champagne and cranberry juice with a rose flower in it and followed by followed by and, after a sleep, with , and , accompanied by and then we landed in Adelaide, South Australala, Australala; and it was

 

Sundae 4^th Marsh 2012

and I went to sleeps.

 

Moonday 5^th Marsh 2012

I was still asleep, apart from the evensong, when I went to a top restaurant for dinner with Bianca, who is an Australalan woman that I barely know.

 

Tunesday 6^th Marsh 2012

I rose at 7am and went out to do a wireless interview and then went back to bed and was wakened by a phone interview to a lady of the press and then fell asleep again and then woke up again and went to my venue to do technical rehearsals and then went to Woolworths to do my grocery shopping and popped into the Virgin Mobile store and saw cardboard versions of myself – some life-size, others larger than me and then I went to bed for a doze and then I woke up almost immediately and went out to do my show which was nyce and then I spoke to Bianca and other people I hardly know and then I went to sleeps.

 

Wrensday 7^th Marsh 2012

I rose at 7.10am and went out and did two radio interviews and came back and went out again and did another radio interview and a live web chat – whatever that is – and had a doze and then did my show which was nyce and then talked to some people and then went homo.

 

Thirsty 8^th Marsh 2012

I woke up at 9am in order to do a wireless interview from my bed phone but they did not call as they had decided to call tomorrow so I went back to sleeps und then did my show which was nyce and then did a late-night gig in which I appeared for 7 5/6 minutes which I enjoyed and then had supper with Bianca and Katie and Mark Watson and other people I don’t know and then went to bed and had mild oyster-based food poisoning but felt all right.

 

Flyday 9^th Marsh 2012

I woke at 9am by the phone ringing with the people who were supposed to ring me yesterday speaking to me and then I went back to sleeps and then I went swimming with Bianca and met Bianca for oysters and cheeses and then did my show which was good and then did a late-night show in a place and then had a burger with Bianca, served by the same Scottish people who serve me burgers at that other festival during the month of Edinburgh.

 

Saturnday 10^th Marsh 2012

I had lunch with Bianca and Susan and Eddie and Flee and other persons and did some writing and then did my show and then discovered that no supermarkets are open in Adelaide after 5pm on a Saturnday and had supper of two avocado pears and some air.

 

Sundae 11^th Marsh 2012

I went to one of the top supermarkets in Australala – called Coles. Later, I ate some of the foods I had purchased from this emporium, prior to washing my hair a bit and doing my show, which was nyce and then meeting my friend Sally for sorbets that made me thirsty and then I went homo.

 

Moonday 12^th Marsh 2012

Today was my day off. I went out for a restaurant luncheon with Bianca. We discovered that nearly all restaurants were closed, as it was a bank holly day (for no reason). On our way to the Chinese restaurant area, we popped into a Chinese supermarket, where I bought a lot of things such as haw soup und basil seed drink. Also, we enjoyed their freshly made extra large watermelon and passion fruit smoothie, with free gift of melon all cut up, which made us not want to eat in a restaurant any more as we were full up and our pancreases were straining to cope with all the natural sugars that mother nature had forced into our bodies and then I made a pasta dish of my own creation with turkey mince, tomatoes, white onion, capsicum (the Australalan name for a pepper), macadamia nut oil and white fungus from the Chinese place and then I did a lot of work and spoke to my staffs in London, Europe (who, fortunately, were not having an ‘olly day; as the England was not having a bank break for no reason) and then I went to bed.

 

Tunesday 13^th Marsh 2012

Awaking with a start at the shockingly early hour of 1pm, I forayed outside and it was hot and marvellous. Later, I ate foods in my room and did much work and creating new humour for a new generation and whatnot and went to do my show which was good and then had some drinks with persons until 5.30pm UK time and then fell asleep into a stupor, having consumed a watermelon cocktail, pink grapefruit cocktail and gin and tonic cocktail.

 

Wrensday 14^th Marsh 2012

I got up in the afterballoon and went outside in the sunshine, in order to get the Vitamin D, and then did my show which was lush and then did a late-night comedy spot in a place and then went to bed.

 

Thirsty 15^th Marsh 2012

I got up very early and then went back to bed again and then got up early again and went with my friend Sally and Juliet to the seaside. We had a seafood banquet on the seafront and then I went swimming in the ocean while they lazed about and we travelled there on a Paul Foot-themed tram, with pictures of me all over it; and then I went to do my show which was nyce and then I had a doze and ate cheese.

 

Flyday 16^th Marsh 2012

I went to a technical rehearsal for my own show, which is to occur tomorrow, in a different venue to normal. After that, I dozed and wept, before going out to do my show in my normal venue, followed by eating some crisps and chocolate, to keep my energy up, followed by two appearances in a late-night club place called the Rhino Room. It was all very pleasant and then I went to sleeps.

 

Saturnday 17^th Marsh 2012

Today I did writing all day in the park, topping up my Vitamin D levels as I did so, then went to do my show in my normal venue, followed by my show in my abnormal venue, both of which were good. After that, I went to the artists’ bar and spoke to some humans and then had a burger from the Well Hung, Young and Tender merchants of Scottish meat/innuendo, and then I went homo.

 

Sundae 18^th Marsh 2012

I did packing all day and realised I had too much weight and also visited the Virgin mobile store and had photos taken with myself and was running late for my final show in Adelaide, South Australala, Australala, and was kindly given a lift to my normal venue in their motor car by two connoisseurs who noticed me rushing down t’ street and had seen my show last night in my abnormal venue, called Connoisseur Tim and Connoisseur Storm, and did my final show in Adelaide, South Australala, Australala, which was good and went homo and continued packing and realised I still had too much weight and watched a murder mystery with Trevor Eve.

 

Moonday 19^th Marsh 2012

I closed up my cases, then went in a taxi with Bianca, and some other people I barely know, to Adelaide Aerodrome, where I ate apricot and apple compote and muesli and yoghurt and other cereals, and pastrami, mortadella, potato salad, rice salad, bean salad, and other salads, and a banana, and liquorice all-stars, accompanied by apple juice and virgin mary; and then I got on a Queensland And Northern Territories Aerial Services Airways Limited Booing 737 and drank mixed fruit juice and ate special heart-shaped biscuits and an apple and then we were in Melbourne and I went to my usual ‘otel and was given a very nyce and big room and unpacked and spoke to a gentleman caller (ringing on the phone, for a press interview), and ate pasta and had a sleep and spoke to another gentleman caller, and had a doze and got up, and by now it was

 

Tunesday 20^th Marsh 2012

and today I went shopping at Woolworths, which in the UK is a discredited bankrupt shop, that sold nothing in particular, but in Australala is the greatest shop the country has ever produced and it sells everything including eggs and apple juice and meat and I also did writing on my balcony and went to bed (eventually).

 

Wrensday 21^st Marsh 2012

I wrote all day and was lost in the daydream of an artist. I also enjoyed a barramundi and tiger prawn filo crepe.

 

Thirsty 22^nd Marsh 2012

I got up at 7.17am, then went to the Palais Theatre for technical rehearsals and lots of interviews to the press and whatnot and then had a doze back at my ‘otel, then went out to do a wireless show, remembering to don my radio bow tie, then went homo, then went out again to the Palais Theatre, then made a performance for Australalan television, then spoke to Fiona O’Loughlin about goats (these proceedings were filmed for posterity), then went to a glamorous after-show party, then went to bed.

 

Flyday 23^rd Marsh 2012

Today, I did writing; and relaxed by watching a few episodes of my favourite show: Air Crash Investigation.

 

Saturnday 24^th Marsh 2012

I went on the skybus to Melbourne Aquamarine International Aerodrome, where I had a selection of salads and beef und colcannon pie and cheese and biscuits and two Blooming Marys and a glass of Australian champagne substitute and got on the craft and had biscuits and an apple and then I was in Brisbane and was met at the airfield by my step half cousin-in-law and went to my step half aunt’s house for supper and watched the Queensland state erection results and went to bed and got up at 6.20am on

 

Sundae 25^th Marsh 2012

so I could go to Point Danger, near the Gold Coast, with my step half cousin-in-law, my step half cousin and my step half cousin once removed. We went body surfing, otherwise known as mucking about in an amateurish fashion on a surf board, then had an ice cream then I fell asleep by mistake for two point five hours, then I went for a walk around the marina, then I had a celebration supper with my step half aunt, step half cousin, step half cousin-in-law, four step half cousins once removed, Monty the dog, and my long lost Uncle Graham. We posted a picture of me cooking a barbie on the facebooks and twitters and more than 111 people liked it.

 

Moonday 26^th Marsh 2012

On a whim, my step half aunt and I took the ferry to Coochie Mudlo Island, which is a sort of tiny tropical island nature reserve paradise and I went swimming on an isolated beach all by myself and it was well idyllic and then we went to the aerodrome and I had a selection of salads and pie and cake and sweets and a Blasted Mary and then I boarded the Queensland and Northern Territories Aerial Service Airways Limited airship and had an apple and a biscuit and watched the Iron Lady and then I was in Melbourne and I went to sleeps.

 

Tunesday 27^th Marsh 2012

I arose at 7 am and went off to do a breakfast radio interview and then I went swimming with family man Simon Munnery in the ‘otel pool and then I ate kangaroo (already dead) and then I stayed in, writing a book based on the characters in my own web syte, until I could stay awake no longer.

 

Wrensday 28^th Marsh 2012

I arose at 7 am and went off to do a breakfast radio interview and then dozed off for hardly any time at all and then went to my venue to do theatrical technical rehearsals with a man called Jackson, then I met my manager (not for the first time), who had just arrived from Los Angeles, the Free World and we had luncheon and then a doze (not together) and then we went to the Palais Theatre for another TV recording. This week I was not performing, as I did it last week; I was merely seeing and being seen and eating canapés and then we went to bed (separately).

 

Thirsty 29^th Marsh 2012

I arose at 6.20 am and went off to do a breakfast radio interview and then dozed off for ages and then had sushi with my manager and then continued writing my book, which I had also done on previous days but forgot to write into this diary, then went off to do my opening show of the run, which was nyce, then stayed up all night writing my book.

 

Flyday 30^th Marsh 2012

I arose at 7.11 am to do a live stand-up comedy performance for the radio and was back in bed within the hour, then had luncheon of soup and risotto with my manager then went for a walk in the warm weather with my manager by the river and whatnot and then had a doze, then did my show, then had a pie with my manager.

 

Saturnday 31^st Marsh 2012

I ate a barbecue with Ian, my manger; and Paul and Amanda and Mark Watson and Emily Howes and Baby Watson and a lot of other people that I do not know by Port Melbourne, in sight of big ships and whatnot. Then I had a doze, then did my show, then had a posh meal with my manager in a restaurant called McDonalds, which was delicious, then listened to my manager going on for ages about a lot of rubbish, then went to sleeps.

 

Sundae 1^st Apricot 2012

I had luncheon of a posh burger with my manager and then did some other things and then did my show, which was nyce, and then said goodbye to my manager (forever, hopefully).

 

Moonday 2^nd Apricot 2012

I went to a comedians’ barbecue, then left immediately, then bumped into a man called Alex in the street whom I had never met before but had spoken to indirectly when I was in a radio studio in Melbourne the other day and he was co-presenting the show from Sydney; and we didn’t get on, and we went for a walk down by the river and I told him about my book and then we went shopping to buy jeans trousers for him and then we had a doze (separately) and then we went for Japanese dinner with Freya and, apart from Freya, it was a terrible evening.

 

Tunesday 3^rd Apricot 2012

I went for a walk all day and did other things such as my show and falling asleep under a blanket on my sofa in my ‘otel room.

 

Wrensday 4^th Apricot 2012

I went for a walk in the park with a knight of the realm and did my show and then went for drinks with a comedian and a famous acteur and had a cheesecake-flavoured cocktail and a rose and lychee cocktail and a banana shot and a miscellaneous shot and two glasses of sparkling wine and spoke to some nyce people and one person who was very rudes and aggressives, which reminded me of the dangers of alcohol and then I went to bed and forgot to watch the dawn from my balcony, due to being asleep.

 

Thirsty 5^th Apricot 2012

I saw in the end of the UK fiscal year by taking a walk by the river and washing my hair and washing my ties and doing a lot of writing and doing my show and going to the supermarket and consuming a shepherd’s pie and a salmon und scallop filo parcel and young coconut water and then doing more writing.

 

Flyday 6^th Apricot 2012

At lunchtime I performed in a big room to a lot of people some comedy which was also transmitted on the wireless and then had a meeting with businessmen and then had a doze and then did my show and then ate a pie and went to bed.

 

Saturnday 7^th Apricot 2012

I did writing and going for walks and then my show and then ate late-night ducks’ tongue and jellyfish and other strange foods, such as beef in sour and sweet sauces with my friends Joel and Jenny and Terry and then went homo.

 

Sundae 8^th Apricot 2012

I got up and did filming with an acteur and ruthless businessman, which involved my being murdered, which was frightful; and then ate a pie and then did my show and then had a marmalade cocktail with my friend Joel and other people and also a chocolate cocktail and some nasty wine in another place and went to my ‘otel room very late and when I got there discovered that my brother had been in a terrible skiing accident and was in intensive care with brain injuries and had not spoken since the accident last Wrensday and was in Austria – too far for me to visit at present – and it was the worst moment of my life and Katie came and talked to me and cheered me up and I didn’t feel hungry and couldn’t sleep.

 

Moonday 9^th Apricot 2012

A lot of nyce friends took my mind off things, such as Alex off of the radio who is very famous taking me round the botanical gardens and Shappi and Simon and a woman called Bianca I barely know giving me langoustines, which Australalans call prawns, and oysters and cheese and my friend Josh drinking wine with me in a secret bar and making me go to his house and watch a show in which Richard Dawkins sensibly discussed things with the Archbishop of Sydney, who said a lot of silly things and Adele the woman and Jonathan the dog were there and Jonathan did not get on with me at first and growled at a human for only the fifth time in his 28-year-equivalent-in-human-years life and then I stroked him and then he liked me and I stroked him more and then I went homo to bed.

 

Tunesday 10^th Apricot 2012

I got up and listened to Elgar and did my laundry and ate a pizza and did my technical rehearsal in my new venue and did my show in my new venue and had a drink with Katie and Hannah and went to sleeps.

 

Wrensday 11^th Apricot 2012

I went for luncheon and a walk with a knight of the garter and saw the oldest building in Australala, then had a bath and did my show and had pizza with some comedians and children and went homo.

 

Thirsty 12^th Apricot 2012

I did a lot of jobs: I got the front of my hair trimmed by a lady. She was only the fourth person to have cutted my hair in a decade – the other three being my hairdresser, one of my hairdresser’s protégés (once), and me (once). I also went food shopping in Woolworths and went to my briefcase shop and discussed with them the repairing of my case handle, and the making of a brand new case. Then I has supper and did my show and had a drink with some men and did writing in my room and watched televisions and found out that my brother was going to be all right, although would take a long time to get better and was happy.

 

Flyday 13^th Apricot 2012

I had sashimi lunch with my friend Joel by the river then did writing then my finger bled then I did my show then I had two gin and tonics with Booby and Moony then said hello to some men in the street who had seen my show. They tried to take a photograph of me but could not make their camera work, so instead I took a photograph of them then went homo and worked all night on my new show and sacked all my staff.

 

Saturnday 14^th Apricot 2012

I lazed about all day, writing my new show and then I went to do my old new show and came straight homo and did my laundry and was preparing some rice when I learnt that I had been nominated for an award (like last year) and I went out and spoke to some people about it and came back and watched the Grand National and ate rice and mango jelly and had a bath and did writing and went to beds.

 

Sundae 15^th Apricot 2012

I went for a walk to get vitamin D into my skin and oxygen into my lungs and did writing and did my show and then did an improvised show I like called Set List and then had one beer with some comedian friends and then went homo and stayed up all night writing.

 

Moonday 16^th Apricot 2012

I had a five-course banquet with accompanying wines (dry sherry, sweet sherry, aboriginal white, extra brut champagne, Greek red wine, lightly sparkling red dessert wine) with a top international businessman, then had a doze, then improvised an act in ‘Set List’ then went to the tram restaurant and had a five-course banquet with wines, then went to bed.

 

Tunesday 17^th Apricot 2012

I went shopping in Woolworths for the final time this trip, then ate food, then did writing, then did my show then went straight homo and wrote all night and slept all day.

 

Wrensday 18^th Apricot 2012

I did nothing today, except writing, doing my show, and being an artistic recluse.

 

Thirsty 19^th Apricot 2012

I did the same as yesterday, then went out for drinks with Harry, Fraser and other well known men of ill repute of Melbourne.

 

Flyday 20^th Apricot 2012

I got up very early (10am) and did a voiceover for top executives and then had a doze and then had café with some humans I know from Melbourne and then made a video with Rhys and Lewis who are top film experts of Melbourne and then did my show and then did ‘Set List’ and then did my laundry and then went back to being a recluse.

 

Saturnday 21^st Apricot 2012

I got up very early (11.19am) and had lunch with top showbiz personnel and then had a doze and then did my show and then did ‘Set List’ and then went to an awards ceremony and found out that I had not won the prestigious award for which I was nominated last week but was still pleased that I had been nominated and then went to sleeps.

 

Sundae 22^nd Apricot 2012

I was in bed for many hours then I was on stage doing a matinee show of Still Life then I was in my room with Rhys and Lewis discussing my new film proposal then I was back on stage doing my evening show of Still Life then I was on stage doing Set List then I was at an exclusive, glamorous showbiz party drinking rose champagnes then I was in my room completing my packing then I was in bed.

 

Moonday 23^rd Apricot 2012

I went to the aerodrome in a car with a woman called Bianca whom I hardly know and had some Blasted Marys and got on the craft of Cathay Specific Airways Limited and had champagne and a ‘Cathay Delight’ and sherry and nuts and white wine and smoked salmon with Prosciutto, prawn and oriental mayonnaise and mixed salad with French dressing and braised lamb shank with creamy polenta, green beans and carrots and a massive sleep and then cheese and biscuits selection and fresh exotical fruits and caramel macadamia cake and port wine and ‘Cathay Delight’ and fresh exotique fruits and roasted duck in noodle soups and went to a nyce aerodrome ‘otel in Honk Kong and fell asleep.

 

Tunesday 24^th Apricot 2012

I rose at 11.51am after a ten-hour doze and went to the aerodrome and had prawn won tons in soups and water and got on the Booing 777 craft and had champagne and Cathay Delight and nuts and a Bleeding Mary and smoked salmon with crème fraiche, salmon roe and asparagus and mixed salad with artichoke and mint youghurt dressing and braised port patty, steamed Jasmine and Jocelyn rice and stir-fried choy sum and feel asleep as usual before pudding and woke up and ordered chicken pie with grilled courgette, semi-dried tomato, dried tomato, undried tomato, kalamata olives and tomato concasse and Earl Gay tea and cheese and biscuits with apple and rosemary paste and watched a show about the Titanic and a film that was very silly and had fresh exotia fruit and braised prawn in bean curd skin with Chinese ‘am and bamboo shoot, steamed Justine rice and Chinese cabbage with carrot and champagne and banana cheese cake with raspberry coulis and espresso café and then I landed and was the first out of the aerodrome and went to sleeps and ended this diary of Australala.