Australala – Apricot 2016

Tunesday 5th Apricot

The excitement started officially when I met Aaron at the platform of an obscure countryside railway station in the Cotswolds, wearing my pyjamas (discreetly) and slippers (indiscreetly). Aaron and I enjoyed a rural idyll evening involving country walks with dogs, cottage wines, anecdotes around the fire with a pretend Mummy and a wicked step father and a sophisticated blond brother.

Wrensday 6th Apricot

The build-up continued with a day with my family, involving card game tactical failures, chartreuse, undercooked potatoes and trekking round charity shops, looking for a necklace for Aaron; as he had stupidly forgotten his Hawaiian lei – a vital part of any long haul traveller’s clothing.

Thirsty 7th Apricot

Aaron and I departed for the airfield of Heathrow. We had a gin and tonic in the car. We followed this up with wines and whisky over kippers breakfast at the aerodrome. Aaron wanted to have lunch as well but by then Heathrow’s kitchen had exploded, so he had to have pasta slops out of a trough in a funny canteen. We boarded a flight to Oslo and it was very luxurious with sparkling wine and much room for the legs and then we went to a nice hotel at Oslo Airport and fell asleep and had a funny and quite pricey dinner in a cold room and then fell asleep again for twelve hour.

Flyday 8th Apricot

We got up, amidst much excitement and strolled into the aerodrome of Oslo and had some wines for fifteen minutes and then boarded our craft which was very luxurious with many wines and big seats like a desert king would go in on a funny old Airbust A321 craft. We had a vegetarian delicacy during the flight and then arrived at Heathrow. Suddenly I realised that it was a good thing that Aaron had forgotten his necklace and a bad thing that I had not forgotten mine, as it contains seeds and so would not be permitted inside Australala. Luckily I found a kindly lady and gentleman at Heathrow who agreed to store it in a secret place for two and a half weeks. We celebrated the safe deposit of the lei with a series of wines and tequila cocktails and a luncheon of white chocolate cylinder with basil jelly, preceded by scallops and venison and we chatted to Denise who works within one of the airport cafes and then we boarded our craft which was a gigantic A380 dreamy plane.


On the way to Honk Kong, we had wines and a funny cheese thing in a basil ice cream cone and chicken with beetroot, chanterelle mushrooms, gingerbread and raisin purée, lobster and garlic consommé (twice), halibut with crab tortellini, lamb filo roll with lamb-stuffed potato fondant and pepper and courgette, and chocolate and hazelnut cylinder. I wasn’t happy with the number of courses, so I topped up my meal with salmon, key lime pie and three or four other dishes sourced from various regions of the large aircraft. I was complimented by King Bruce on my ability to drink many wines whilst remaining lucid, before passing out almost immediately from the wines in my little place. After kedgeree from Arch-Duke Mario it was time to make an attempt at landing, which the pilot didn’t quite manage so we shot back up into the air. After a second landing attempt, it was time for Margarita cocktails, foot massages, tea ceremonies and Asian fish luncheon at Honk Kong Aerodrome and after eleven pleasant hours it was time to board our Cathay Specific craft and by then it was the early hours of 10th Apricot. Sorry if I missed a day.

Saturnday 10th Apricot

Cathay Specific Airways Limited treated us to a dry sherry, Campari, a selection of wines and then invited us to pig out on dips and dim sums over a TV dinner. I watched a murder show. Then we went orff to sleep and when we woke up it was more dim sum and chilli sauce for breakfast and then we landed at Sydney. We had some fruit juice and a ‘Margaret Special’ cheese plate and then boarded a craft of Queensland And Northern Territory Aerial Services bound for Melbourne. During the short flying times we had soup and South Australian champagne substitute and then we went to our hotel in Melbourne and fell asleep forever.

Sundae 11th Apricot

Little is remembered of this day other than that we were both very tired and I had to do quite a few press interviews and Aaron and I went to our favourite tapas restaurant in Australia – called Bomba and had dark and also light vermouths and I lived the life of a virgin.

12th – 18th Apricot

During these times, I performed shows in the Melbourne International Comedy Festival and it is important, amid the cloud of all the wines from the flights over, to remember that that is the reason I am in Australia in the first place!

19th – 21st Apricot

I were ill with the flus. I flew to Sydney. Even though I was in one of the great cities of the world, I went to bed all day, for the sake of my show the next day – the tragedy of showbizness. My shows in Sydney, News South Whales were fun and then it was time to go to Brisbane, Land of Queens.

Flyday 22nd Apricot

I had requested a high floor in my hotel that went up to the 74th floor. Unfortunately, they could only get me a room on the 73rd floor. I hosted a lavish party for some family members in there, including cheese and biscuits, and fruit cordial. Then I went to do my show in the Brisbane Powerhouse, which was great fun, and afterwards had a posh outdoor meal next to a possum.

23rd – 24th Apricot

Aaron and I flew to Perth and I did a show there, which was very nice. The next day I took it easy, floating around the hotel room. I like days like that from time to time: eating lasagne, watching Australian TV, doing laundry, writing comedy on the balcony, filing my nails, and napping. I needed the rest because the next day…

Moonday 25th Apricot

We went to Perth Airfield at 4am! We had some juices and café and redcurrants in the terminal and then boarded a Queensland And Northern Territory Aerial Services craft bound for Sydney. As it was early morning, Aaron sensibly had a doze while I stayed up drinking gin and tonic and pudding wine and port. Before we knew it, we were in Sydney Aerodrome, where we had back massages and sparkling French wines and other wines and bream and two puddings and pudding wine and then boarded a Best of British Airways craft bound for Singapore. We had sparkling French wines, other wines, whisky, crab and avocado timbale with mango and grapefruit, Italian-style arancini, leek and potato soup, rack of lamb with ratatouille, prawn curry with dal and moongfali, orange cake with crème fraiche, and an afternoon tea of sandwiches and cakes. It was the best flight ever and we were served by Queen Kellie, Princess Alyson, Prince Colin, and Princess Bianca. We also met the other Princess Bianca and also Prince Jamie, Princess Kay, Princess Jack, Princess Hollie, Princess Bradley, Princess Dominic and First Officier Shane.

After we landed, we were tired from the wines and being up for twenty-two hours, so we went to sleeps in a posh ‘otel.

Tunesday 26th Apricot

We went for a swim swim in the tropical hotel pool and then we went for lunch up a big tall building that looks like a cricket stump with three towers and one balancing on top bit, which was very nice with good views over all of Singapore and then we had beers in a ghastly place and then we went back to the aerodrome where we had sparkling French wines and a Jasmine Special and a leaky shower and then we boarded a big BA bird from the A380 range and flew to London and had meals that I can’t remember. There were many courses and wines.

Wrensday 27th Apricot

We landed at Heathrow and entered the United Kingdom and had a bath and a massage and breakfast and then exited the United Kingdom and had lunch and wines and cocktails and then we flew to Oslo with wines and then we had a lie down. The next day, we flew back to London with many gins and here endeth this part of the travel diary.

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