Paul Foot’s Top 10 Halloween Costume Ideas

Good evening Connoisseurs! Happy Hallow evening to ye all!

How’s the pumpkin ravioli? Marvellous. You can always get a McDonalds on the way home. Just put it out of your mind for now.

SO, ye asked me to come up with some Halloween costume ideas. I twitted a couple the other day…

Paul Foot Tweets

Lucy The Lasagna-Faced Lollipop Lady actually has a crowd of other peoples’ children around her if you’re intending to do the full look, but that is optional and would probably be going a bit far for a Halloween party. Also, Lucy is actually a man, so the outfit should have a layered effect, ending in Lucy swinging her willy around the dance floor going “THRILLER! THRILLER NIGHT! YEAHHH!”

Anyhow, where was I? Oh yes, a connoisseur asked me for some more halloween costume ideas, so, obviously there is always the option of going to a halloween party as me. And also my character Skeleton Johnston is a failsafe Guild classic…

Skeleton Johnston

“Half skeleton. Half Mister Johnston” – that’s all you have to keep in mind while preparing the outfit. He has a fire orange quiff and red trouser braces over an exposed ribcage. He is always both smiling and grimacing at the same time. That’s it really.

Here are some other Paul Foot Halloween Costume Ideas for ye, and see you all in SOUTHEND and NORWICH next week!

Also, do twit and Facebonk me pictures of your Halloween creations. There is definitely a correlation between people who like my comedy and people who are really good at Halloween.


But not any old Harriet Harman. No, this is Harriet Harman post-politics, OFF THE RAILS and entering the Eurovision Song Contest AT ALL COSTS!

How to perfect the look: The costume should include a microphone which you lasso around the Halloween party while chucking glass after glass of wine in your own face and screaming “THE WINNER TAKES IT ALL!!!!” at the ceiling.


He’s a headmaster. The rest is open to interpretation. Does he dispel semen? Expel semen? Embody semen? Or seek it? Nobody knows, and nobody will live to find out. What we do know about the Semen Headmaster is this: Year after year, he GETS RESULTS!


Now this costume requires some preparation as it’s more an immersive piece and ALSO you have to attend a Halloween party that you’ve not been invited to and, in fact, one where you know absolutely nobody. This in itself presents problems, but that’s actually the easy part. The hard part is breaking into the party host’s house early in the morning on the day of the party and sticking pancakes all over their kitchen ceiling using PVC. The rest is simple. Hide behind a large piece of furniture and wait for ten hours. By this point the party will be in full flow, just when the pancakes all start dropping off the ceiling onto people’s heads. At this point you jump out from your hiding place and scream “OH MY GADDDD!!! IT’S THE JELLY FISH KILLER!!!!”. And, um… well if I’m honest, this idea is still a work in progress. Don’t try it yet.


This is another great Halloween costume if you’re on a tight budget. Although the facial expression can be quite hard to get right – a combination of hopeful, aspirational, a bit thick, and pathetic. And then when people ask you what you’ve come as you simply say.. “A meal for two…. AT NANDO’S!” The secret is in the theatrical timing, you need to count exactly three heartbeats for releasing the truly horrific suffix “AT NANDO’S!” to truly capture hell personified. If you wanted to do a Nando’s themed Halloween party, is actually quite easy to recreate their infrastructure at home, you simply pay for the pleasure of doing everything yourself.


Firsly smother your body in some kind of lotion, or oil. And then complete coat yourself in pepper corns. You can wear shoes, obviously, but no other clothing or it spoils the scare. Then turn up to the party late, looking completely distressed and shaking. When whoever answers the door asks if you’re alright, you slide down the wall of the porch and start crying while whimpering “The Pepper Room! The Pepper Room!” Then as they go to find help inside, quickly take out a large bag of more pepper corns and stuff them into your mouth. Upon return, wait until you have full attention, and then project the peppers everywhere and continue wimpering, “The Pepper Room! The Pepper Room!”, and then simply repeat, until you’re bored really.

Oh my gosh, it’s nearly 8 o’clock! And I’ve been invited to a SHOWBIZZNESS HALLOWEEN PARTY! For people like me, WHO WORK IN SHOWBIZNESS. Plus one or two other people, who want to work in showbizzness, or have sex with somebody who works in showbizness, or wants to have sex with somebody who work in showbizzness. Bring a bottle it says. I’ve got my Peri Peri sauce warming in the oven! Marvellous.


Oh – and if you want to see NOSFARAGETU – a video of me on Halloween last year, drunk on the side of a B-Road outside someone’s house, performing a mini sketch about Nigel Farage being a vampiric killer, then go onto the YouTubes and search “Paul Foot Nigel Farage Nosfaratu”

PF xxxx





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