Paul Foot

Andy and Andy Again – 14th Augustus 2020

Scientists and governments round the world have warned of the dangers of a second (royal) wave of Prince Andrew. Although senior royals have been careful to spend at least twenty seconds washing their hands of him, the risk of reinfection is still present.

Places where Andrew is known to have visited have been thoroughly disinfected, e.g. Pizza Express in Woking and Tramp nightclub, Mayfair. Prince Andrew has not been seen in public for months; nevertheless, epidemiologists warn that his invisibility is his biggest danger.

Symptoms of the Prince Andrew Virus include:

Profusely not sweating

An inability to remember people you’ve slept with

Refusing to be interviewed under oath by the FBI

Being almost as unpopular as Harry and Meghan

Queen Goes Viral – 4th Mayonnaise 2020

Recently, it was the Queen’s unofficial birthday (ie the anniversary of the day she was officially born). Hasn’t she been busy? She broadcast a Coronavirus address to the nation, which ended with her channelling her inner Vera Lynn, breaking into song with, “We’ll meet again.” Then, she did an Easter broadcast, and she has a VE Day one in the pipeline. She’s almost as busy as Eamonn Holmes at a 5G conspiracy theory conference. But what have the other royals been getting up to during this crisis? Here’s my round-up:

Harry and Meghan

Remember them?* The poor lambs. Their plan to forge a new international, progressive role for themselves has been the victim of poor timing. Rather like a Roman lad in 79 AD, moving out of his parents’ house in Pompeii, just as Vesuvius erupts. Even though we were previously all gripped by the Meg and Harry saga, we have, oddly, found our own struggles for physical and financial survival more compelling. They’ve rather slipped off the radar. What a pity.

Interestingly, they’ve said recently that they won’t cooperate in any way with the British tabloids. This means that any stories about them in the red tops aren’t corroborated and might be made up. Ooh, who’d have thought it!

*Editor’s note: remember when Harry and Meg said they were going to make a new life for themselves in Canada? That didn’t last long, did it? After about 9.3 days they changed their mind and went to live in Los Angeles.**

Prince Philip

Now in retirement, he is continuing to be ‘refreshingly politically incorrect,’ ie racist. Of course, he no longer delivers his ‘quips’ to crowds of well-wishers, but instead to the Queen and a skeleton staff of 22 servants.

Princess Anne

No-nonsense Annie is taking Coronavirus in her stride. When one of her maids showed signs of the virus, the ever-practical princess killed the maid with her bare hands and put her in a dustbin. In compensation to the maid’s family, she sent a carriage clock that Queen Victoria had once glanced at.

His Most Royal Highness Prince Andrew, Duke of Pork

Andrew is busy being incredibly relieved. This global crisis couldn’t have come at a better time for him!

No ho-ho-hoper – 19th Marsh 2020

Santa Claus has announced that Christmas 2020 has been cancelled. In a statement, St Nicholas said: “I run a complex global logistical operation that takes months to organise. It is with regret that, due to the Coronavirus pandemic, I have taken the decision to cancel now, to reduce my overheads.” The unprecedented move is believed to mean that Yuletide will not occur for the first time since it was invented in 1 AD. The markets tumbled on hearing the news, with shares in Christmas stockings down 70%.

In related events:

Business analysts say Father Christmas had no choice but to cancel early. If he’d continued with preparations and had to cancel close to 25th December, he’d have been exposed to too much financial risk.

The Lapland government has injected 3 million mince pies (equivalent to £78.40 / 1500 Australian dollars) into Santa’s workshop, in an effort to shore up his business, after fears he could go bankrupt.

Concerns were expressed about the wider supply chain, such as Santa’s little helpers (who are on zero hours contracts) and the reindeer grooms and vets.

Mrs Claus has gone into self-isolation after she embraced and slightly tongued Justin Trudeau’s wife last week in a session that also included Tom Hanks’ wife.

The North Pole has been closed to visitors until further notice and the world will soon stop spinning on its axis.

Windsors & Losers – 9th Janitor 2020

With a new year underway, the popular reality TV show It’s A Royal Knockout is hotting up. Let’s take a recap of previous episodes:

1. The Abdication of Responsibility Crisis

The first ever episode of It’s A Royal Knockoff was actually in 1936 when King David (known as Edward VIII to his family) abdicated after controversy surrounding his marriage to Wallis Gromit.

2. The Princess and the Pee (-off)

Princess Diana was the next to leave the Royal Family, after Charles and Camilla decided to reduce their “crowded” marriage involving three people to two.

3. Yorkie Barred

Fergie aka Alex Ferguson was thrown out of the royal fold after divorcing her husband Prince Andrew (more on him in explosive Episode 5!)

4. Duke of Hazard

A couple of years ago, Prince Phyllis, Fluke of Edinburgh retired from royal duties, as he was too old to make racist comments. Despite no longer carrying out official engagements, he continued to drive until he was involved in a car accident, in which he killed 37 people.

5. Bad News Night

In the next episode of It’s a Royal Cockout, His Royal Highness Whince Andrew, Dick of York, gave an interview to the BBC in which he said he’d been “too honourable“ to his friend Jeffrey Epstein, who’d “conducted himself in a manner unbecoming” (a royal way of saying he’d been a sex offender). Andrew soon found himself unbecoming a working royal, as he was forced to “step back from royal duties for the foreseeable future” (a royal way of saying we won’t be hearing from him again ever).

6. When Harry Met Megan

Their Royal Haughtinesses The Puke and Muchess of Sussex are the latest to announce they’re “stepping back”. Their plan is to live between North America and their taxpayer-funded refurbished mansion in Windsor, carrying out “charitable work”, ie. seeing friends, having their cake and eating it, partying etc., whilst, naturally, retaining their royal titles and police protection officers etc – all, conveniently, paid for by the taxpayer.

Coming up in episode 7…

Who will be next to leave the royals? Could it be frustrated Charles, dull aristocrat Wills, lovely no-nonsense Anne, or even Our Kate? Perhaps the Queen herself will decide enough is enough. Or maybe a royal waste of space you’ve never heard of, like Prince Edward or Princess Michael of Kent or the interchangeable Princesses Beatrice/Eugenie will be the next to go! Don’t bother tuning in for the next tawdry episode of It’s A Royal Layabout.

Better Late Than Never – 28th Octopus 2019

News organisations around the world have been left scrambling for articles, after no famous person of note died today. Newspaper editors have declared a week of official mourning, after their need for obituaries dried up.

BBC Break Fuss – 1st Octopus 2019

The BBC (British Broadcasting Cringe) has reversed its ruling concerning breakfast news presenter Naga Munchetty. The crisis began when Naga stated on air that she thought it wasn’t very nice when people (including that enlightened figure Donald Trump) said racist things. These devastatingly controversial opinions caused an avalanche of complaints from…one person.

In a linguistically complicated ruling that made sense to no one, the BBC (Best Before Bygone Century) stated that Munchetty had breached editorial guidelines by failing to make clear that just because Trump had said a racist comment that didn’t mean he himself was actually racist. (Note: We know that the vast majority of people who say racist things are not themselves racist, as they invariably precede their comments with, “I’m not racist but…”)

Following a counter-complaint from…around 65 million people, the Beeb’s Director Generous, Tiny Hall, reversed the ruling. In a statement he said, “I can confirm that Naga is not racist-ist (prejudiced against racists). She might have made a racism-ist comment (disparaging comment about a racist comment) but she is not guilty of institutionalised racist-ism or even racism-ism-ism (prejudice against people who are prejudiced against racism).”

Meanwhile, the actual fight against racism continues.

Elizabeth Vagina – 4th Juniper 2019

In an unusual breach of protocol at the State Banquet, President Trump has grabbed the Queen by the p*ssy (or, as it’s known in royal circles, grabbed her by the Regina). Her Majesty remained inscrutable throughout.

A Palace spokesman (Crystal Palace Football Club) refused to be drawn on the incident, stating only that the Queen would be unfazed by such a departure from protocol, as she is an old pro (not that sort!)

It is a major faux pas to touch Her Majesty in any way, as she is believed by thickies to be anointed by God.

Camilla remained unharmed during the incident.

The Lady and the Trump – 3rd Juniper 2019

Everything about politics at present is too weird for comedy, and with President Tramp’s State Visit, it’s just got weirder. So, I shall restrict myself to a brief summary:

An extremely unpopular democratically-elected multi-millionaire ex-reality TV star head of state today flew in to a city whose mayor he describes as a stone-cold loser (although its former mayor he thinks is a great bloke and hopes will be democratically elected by 120,000 elderly rich people to be our next Prime Minister) to meet a popular multi-millionaire hereditary monarch. He had luncheon with Prince Harry, an hereditary hanger-on, who recently married an American lady President Rump described as nasty on an audio recording (although he later denied he had said that, even though he did obviously say it, because we can hear him saying it). Not quite sure what the two of them spoke about at lunch – the weather, I suppose (although definitely not climate change!)

This afternoon, the President met the Duke of York (what a highlight!) to lay a wreath at the tomb of the unknown soldier (“no one even knows who he is – what a loser!” is what he almost certainly remarked). Later, President Frump will attend a state banquet, which the twice democratically-elected  and also totally unelectable Leader of the Labour Party will not attend, nor will President Grump’s best friend, Nigel Frottage, 5-times democratically elected to a parliament he doesn’t want to be in. Making up for the absence of Nigel Facade, luckily the President’s best hand-holding friend, the democratically-elected (just!) lamest of lame ducks Prime Minister, will be there for her final meal before her political execution.

Euro-peeing Elections – 3rd Mayonnaise 2019

Quite contrary to expectations, and despite the guiding hand of strong and stable master tactician, Terroresa May, Brexit has been delayed. This means there will soon be elections in Britain for the Euro-penile parliament. Confused about how to vote? Here is my guide to the runners and riders:

The Conservative Party

Are you one of the three or four people in the country who believes that the negotiations with the EU have been going well and that the dynamic, inspiring  government has seamlessly combined them with a tranche of exciting, bold legislation in education, health, environment etc, to make Britain an even better place to live? If so, then they’re the party for you.

The Labour Party

The Labour Party’s policy towards Brexit is er, um… If your view on the Brexit conundrum is er, um; then place your vote with them.

UKIP

The party has lurched to the far right in recent months and is now somewhere to the right of… well, UKIP. With the BNP on the wane, could this be the party for you?

The Brexit Party

Saviour of the nation, Nigel Facade, won Britain a well-earned Breakfast; but then stupidly he left the Breakfast preparations to Terry-Saw May and she burnt the sausages and had to abandon Breakfast. Now Nigella is back with a vengeance and this time, Breakfast means Brexit! Nigella is a bit suspicious of Eastern Europeans, but he’s an affable bloke, who enjoys a whisky in the pub, and he’s looking for your vote.

The Liberal Democrats

Remember them? Weren’t they in government a few years ago? Didn’t they use to have about 58 MPs in Parliament? If you can remember who the Liberal Democrats are, why not vote for them?

Change UK

Formerly the Independent Group, they changed their name to Change. They want change, and so, if you can spare any change, spare a thought for Change UK.

SNP

The SNP are in favour of a second referendum on Scottish independence. “What do we want?” “A REFERENDUM!” “When do we want it?” “AS SOON AS WE’RE SURE OF WINNING IT!” If you believe in a second referendum – the so-called ‘People’s Vote’ – then put your cross by the SNP.

DUP

The DUP want Northern Ireland to be part of the UK. They want no differences whatsoever between the laws of Great Britain and the laws of Northern Ireland (apart from the British laws they don’t agree with, e.g. gay marriage, abortion). If you either do or don’t agree with gay marriage, then you must vote DUP.

The Green Party

The Green Party used to be seen as a single issue party, i.e. Caroline Lucas – the only Green Party politician that anyone’s ever heard of. But the Caroline Lucas Party are about so much more that just Caroline – apparently they’re interested in the environment as well. Vote Green, if you truly care about Caroline Lucas.

Well, there you have it. Those are the options – the decision is now yours baybayyy.