In an unpresidented move, 11 backstabbing Tory MPs have rebelled against Crime Minister Terrorisa May. The Rebel Alliance, led by General Dominic ...
Rebel Without a Clause – 16th Decadence 2017
In an unpresidented move, 11 backstabbing Tory MPs have rebelled against Crime Minister Terrorisa May.
The Rebel Alliance, led by General Dominic Grievous, has been castigated in many quarters, with the Daily Maelstrom accusing some of them of drinking wine after the vote, which is a European drink, and proves further that they have betrayed the nation.
Some of the rebels have also had their Tory credentials called into question. Kent Clark, who has served in over 4,378 Tory governments since his mysterious arrival from the planet Krypton, has been accused of lying about his identity, after he swooped in at the last minute and saved the day. When questioned, Clark, who wears glasses, flew off into the sky.
Typical leave voter and non-racist, Barry O’Spaniel, had the following to say on the matter: “I just think they’ve betrayed us, you know? We voted to leave, so why do they need to work out any further details? You know, we live in a democracy, so why do they have to vote on every little thing?”
Barry’s wife, Langoustine O’Spaniel, had more to say on the issue, “I just don’t think these people are proud of this country. I am. I have the Union Jack on everything in my house. Tea towels, bedspreads, carpets, toilet paper, absolutely everything.”
Across the aisle, the Labia party is overjoyed, as it won a vote for the first time in over a decade.
The Cabinet minister Andrea Leadsom has announced she is stepping down from being a woman with immediate effect. The former Tory leadership affront-runner ...
Woe Men – 3rd Novella 2017
The Cabinet minister Andrea Leadsom has announced she is stepping down from being a woman with immediate effect. The former Tory leadership affront-runner said in a statement that her behaviour has in the past fallen short of the very low standards expected of a woman by misogynists.
A number of other high profile females are expected to resign their posts as women in the coming days, as the Westminster scandal about the behaviour of women towards sleaze-bags continues.
Among the allegations spraying around the Commons teat rooms are:
• Women cruelly rejecting the advances of dirty old men, causing the ageing casanovas to feel very uncomfortable and upset.
• A journalist spurning full-frontal bench MP Michael Felon’s hand on her knee by threatening to punch him in the face – a serious criminal offence!
Meanwhile, in a BDSM development, Theresa May has re-erected the career of her chief whip, Gimpy Williamson, making him the Sexretary of State for Re-offence.
An airline has apologised to some passengers after it actually flew them somewhere. The customers had already boarded the aircraft and taken their seats ...
Fight or Flight – 26th Apricot 2017
An airline has apologised to some passengers after it actually flew them somewhere.
The customers had already boarded the aircraft and taken their seats and were expecting to be told to leave/dragged off at any moment to make way for off-duty staff members etc when the plane unexpectedly took off and flew to its destination.
The visibly shaken family had booked non-refundable accommodation and upon landing were forced to enjoy their holiday.
The airline’s chief executive has since issued a public apology, stating, “No one expects to get on our craft and not be forcibly removed by police and have at least two teeth broken. We are deeply sorry that they didn’t get the full service.”
The family, who were not threatened or roughed up in any way even by cabin crew, is understood to have been served a selection of wines, soft drinks and a hot meal during the flight and is now suing for undisclosed damages.
Theresa Mayonnaise has reiterated her call that, "Breakfast means breakfast and we are going to make a success of it." She says we can remain in the ...
Breakfast: The Latest – 20th Octopus 2016
Theresa Mayonnaise has reiterated her call that, “Breakfast means breakfast and we are going to make a success of it.”
She says we can remain in the single muffin whilst retaining control over our bacon.
“Are the French really going to stop selling us their croissants, the Germans their sausages, and the Spanish their omelettes?” added Philip Ham, Chancer of the Exchequer.
There are others, such as former Prime Minister, Hash Brown, who argue that the UK has never made a rasher decision than the vote for breakfast and that the economy is now toast and will go down the frying pan.
In smoked-filled mushrooms throughout Whitehall, Britain’s top mandarins are now thrashing out whether breakfast will be a cooked affair or more of a fruit salad.
Meanwhile, the PM has repeated her mantra: “Breakfast beans breakfast.”
It has been announced that Jeremy Corbyn's constituency is to disappear, following boundary changes that may finally succeed in getting rid of him where ...
Left Whinge – 14th Septet 2016
It has been announced that Jeremy Corbyn’s constituency is to disappear, following boundary changes that may finally succeed in getting rid of him where all else (plus Angela Eagle) failed. What better time to look back on Jeremy’s first year as Labia leader and his many achievements:
Delivered a sensational, rousing address to the Labour Party conference with all the rhetorical flourish of a damp teacup, in which he was kind enough to read out the stage directions from his autocue: “strong message here.”
Misunderstood the words “Her Majesty’s Official Opposition”, and thought he was supposed to oppose the Queen rather than the Government. He refused to sing God Save The Queen, or meet Elizabeth R in the privy and kiss her ring.
Introduced a kinder kind of politics. Unfortunately, it turned out to be more of a Kinder Egg kind of politics, with a lot of nasty surprises like bricks being put through opponents’ windows.
Boarded a railway train and sat on the floor and complained of a ram-packed service. Trains can sometimes be jam-packed or rammed; a ram-packed carriage is a more serious matter, though, as male sheep can be very uncomfortable to sit next to with their horns and hot woolly coats.
Meanwhile, David Cameron has decided to quit as an MP.
The Right (wing) Dishonourable David Cameron MP (Member for Pig’s Mouth), committed back-bencher and diligent constituency MP with no interest in making millions on the international public speaking/corporate advice circuit, 13th July 2016 – 12th September 2016. RIP (relax in prosperity).
During a visit to Mexico, Humpty Trumpty has defended his controversial decision to build a wall along its border with the USA. The hilarious-looking ...
No Nursery Rhyme Or Reason – 1st Septet 2016
During a visit to Mexico, Humpty Trumpty has defended his controversial decision to build a wall along its border with the USA. The hilarious-looking figure of fun denied that the wall would end up breaking him, and said he is not sitting on the fence when it comes to who should pay for it. Humpty Trumpty said he has the right policies to win the US presidential election in November and was going to “have a great Fall (Autumn)”.
Let's focus on the leadership contest that no-one's talking about: the battle to lead the slow motion failed coup against ...
Labour Parting – 8th Julie 2016
Let’s focus on the leadership contest that no-one’s talking about: the battle to lead the slow motion failed coup against Jeremy Corbyn. It’s a race between Angular Eagle and Owing Jones to decide who will be the candidate to declare that they would have run against Jeremy Corbyn if they’d had the guts but actually won’t be because they haven’t and wouldn’t have won anyway. Glandular Eagle is still the bookies’ favourite to be the unofficial leader of the not-very-effective opposition to Her Majesty’s Official (and also not-very-effective) Opposition.
Meanwhile, the race for female Prime Minister is now between Theresa “just getting on with the job” May and Andrea “just making up some old jobs that I never did” Ledsome(on), after opportunist back-stabber Liz Kendall was voted off the shortlist for being too Tory.
They say this month could be the UK's wettest June on record. With this in mind, may I interest you in my latest ...
The Wettest June on Record – 20th Juniper 2016They say this month could be the UK’s wettest June on record. With this in mind, may I interest you in my latest merchandise item: The Wettest June On Record.This lovingly crafted gramophone record features the sounds of our lovely wet month. Here are the track listings in full (until I get bored):Side 1:Track 1: sound of drizzleTrack 2: sound of rainTrack 3: thunderTrack 4: hailstorm noisesTrack 5: etc etcOn Side 2, I have recorded people’s conversations about this momentous weather, with comments such as, “Call this a summer?” and, “Well, at least it’s good for the garden!”My record is available to you for just over one hundred pounds – far less than the money you’ll save by staying in all month, waiting for the sun to come out. So you’ll be quids in, as will I.Please send cheques to my lawyers at:Sir Roger Crumble QCTax Haven LegalsPanamaOr just send cash in a grubby envelope to:Mr Paul FootTurncoat LaneEssex
A weird old woman has gone on a rant in the Houses of Parliament. The 90-year-old pensioner arrived at Westminster yesterday by coach (Imperial State ...
Queen’s Screech – 20th Mayonnaise 2016
A weird old woman has gone on a rant in the Houses of Parliament. The 90-year-old pensioner arrived at Westminster yesterday by coach (Imperial State Coach) from a provincial estate (possibly Sandringham, Balmoral, or one of her other ones) and started wittering on to anyone who’d listen about improving the prison service and NHS, making society fairer etc., etc. The vague and incoherent plans and hollow promises went on for over ten minutes, with members of the Houses of Lords and Commons listening in shocked silence; before she delivered a few parting comments such as, “I live in a little home up the road. It’s not much, but it’s my palace,” “those Chinese are awfully rude,” and, “I’m the Queen of Canada, honest!” The fantasist and her cantankerous husband were bundled in to the back of their solid gold, 12-horse-power vehicle and taken away for a banquet.Several Labour Party members have been suspended after it was revealed that they had made anti-Tory comments. One even ...
Anti-Semantics – 3rd Mayonnaise 2016Several Labour Party members have been suspended after it was revealed that they had made anti-Tory comments. One even suggested that all Tories should move to America (and presumably join Donald Trump).The acting Labour leader, Junior Corby Trouser Press said, “We will not tolerate anti-Conservative sentiment in our Party. We are a friendly party who welcome everyone, including Tories.”Others have accused the Labour Party of being in denial about the problem. A senior backbench Conservative MP called Liz Kendall, who did not wish to be named, said, “It’s time the socialists faced up to a significant strain within its ranks of people who do not support the Tories and wish us to be wiped off the political map.”The crisis comes at a bad time for the Labour Party, who are now expected to receive no votes at all from Tories at the forthcoming local elections.from Mr. Paul Foot, Life President of the Guild of Paul Foot Connoisseurs