The world has reacted with jubilation to the rescue of trapped members of the Cabinet. The politicians became trapped in a dangerous cave, known as 10 ...
Tie Land – 10th Julie 2018
The world has reacted with jubilation to the rescue of trapped members of the Cabinet. The politicians became trapped in a dangerous cave, known as 10 Downing Street – deep underground and far removed from reality. The first of the Wild Bores to be rescued was a weak specimen called Davis Davis; followed by Boris Johnson, who had spent months in perilous conditions, trying to deliver Brexit.
There was an outpouring of gratitude to the brave backbenchers who worked day and night to extricate the MPs, who’d been totally out of their depth – unable to even swim, let alone put together coherent policies. It had been expected that all members of the cabinet team would be freed but, to everyone’s surprise, several of them decided to remain in their bunker, including their coach, Theresa May – who has faced criticism for getting the team into the mess in the first place. With the monsoon rains about to fall, it is not expected that we’ll hear anything sensible from them this side of Christmas.
The BBC have abolished all journalism and the reporting of news. Instead, they have replaced traditional news stories about important events with ...
No News Is Good News – 5th Juniper 2018
The BBC have abolished all journalism and the reporting of news. Instead, they have replaced traditional news stories about important events with non-stories about things that don’t matter, and exhaustive analysis of what various nobodies wrote on Titter about the aforementioned non-story.
For example, take today’s BBC lead story about how fist-rate presenter and bucket-list celebrity Kirsty Allsoap sits in business class on aeroplanes with her kiddies sitting over twenty feet from her in economy. How dare she? What if the cabin were to lose pressure and her sprogs got sucked off while she shat behind a snooty curtain ‘quaffing’ (journalists’ favourite cliche) champagne. The fact that it didn’t happen and there were no problems and it’s none of our business has got NOTHING TO DO WITH IT!!
Here is a summary of how all future news stories will be structured:
1. 11 words of half-hearted journalism about not much.
2. An archive photo of the person who stars in the non-story meeting Princess Anne fifteen years ago.
3. A full rundown of the Twitter “backlash” (including screenshots).
4. To make up for the fact that this all looks woefully threadbare, the remainder of the news page is taken up with user comments such as Angela Balls-Chegwin, of Hampton Wick, getting very worked up about everyone getting so worked up over nothing – “Haven’t you all got better things to do than talk about this? I know I haven’t.”
This week I have decided to put sell-by dates in the spotlight. Here is a list of things that are now past their sell-by date: 1. Sell-by dates Or to ...
Sell-by Dates & Privacy – 24th Mayonnaise 2018
This week I have decided to put sell-by dates in the spotlight. Here is a list of things that are now past their sell-by date:
1. Sell-by dates
Or to be more precise, best before dates, which are subtlety different – does anyone notice or care? Anyway, Tesco is removing their best before dates from some of their fresh vegetables etc., so you can now just have a look at the item and use common sense to decide whether or not to eat it, rather than chucking it away just because some arbitrary date on the plastic packet (which, ironically, makes the produce sweat and last less long!) has passed.
2. World peace
Remember the heady days of cuddly Kimmy Jong-un and friendly Moony Jae-in holding hands and hugging at the border between the Koreas, with much hope of an official end to the Korean War and nuclear disarmament and other goodies? Well, all that’s off now, because the summit between loveable Kimmy and a mad leader with little respect for press freedoms or the rule of law (Donald Tramp) is off. This is after the Americans said some really catty things about the North Koreans and the North Koreans said some bitchy things back and now the President of the Freak World has written a petulant letter to say that he is very upset about all the nasty things said and so Kimmy can just forget about meeting him and world peace and jelly and ice cream and everything!
3. The pathetic excuses of Emile Cilliers.
Adorable Emile has been found guilty of twice attempting to kill his wifey, by the methods of interfering with gas fittings in their home to try to cause a fatal explosion and, when that didn’t work, cutting vital parts off her parachute before arranging a special jump for her as a ‘treat’! Well, some treat, Victoria fell at horrendous velocities from the sky, but luckily landed on a hay stack and that’s when the court case started! Innocent-looking Emile said that a random killer must have interfered with the parachute – so that’s explains that one – and as for the gas fittings, the excuse is um, er… Anyway, surprisingly. the brainy jury found two- (actually, three-)timing nutter and would-be life insurance fraudster Emile guilty.
4. Not caring about your privacy
In an unpresidented move, 11 backstabbing Tory MPs have rebelled against Crime Minister Terrorisa May. The Rebel Alliance, led by General Dominic ...
Rebel Without a Clause – 16th Decadence 2017
In an unpresidented move, 11 backstabbing Tory MPs have rebelled against Crime Minister Terrorisa May.
The Rebel Alliance, led by General Dominic Grievous, has been castigated in many quarters, with the Daily Maelstrom accusing some of them of drinking wine after the vote, which is a European drink, and proves further that they have betrayed the nation.
Some of the rebels have also had their Tory credentials called into question. Kent Clark, who has served in over 4,378 Tory governments since his mysterious arrival from the planet Krypton, has been accused of lying about his identity, after he swooped in at the last minute and saved the day. When questioned, Clark, who wears glasses, flew off into the sky.
Typical leave voter and non-racist, Barry O’Spaniel, had the following to say on the matter: “I just think they’ve betrayed us, you know? We voted to leave, so why do they need to work out any further details? You know, we live in a democracy, so why do they have to vote on every little thing?”
Barry’s wife, Langoustine O’Spaniel, had more to say on the issue, “I just don’t think these people are proud of this country. I am. I have the Union Jack on everything in my house. Tea towels, bedspreads, carpets, toilet paper, absolutely everything.”
Across the aisle, the Labia party is overjoyed, as it won a vote for the first time in over a decade.
The Cabinet minister Andrea Leadsom has announced she is stepping down from being a woman with immediate effect. The former Tory leadership affront-runner ...
Woe Men – 3rd Novella 2017
The Cabinet minister Andrea Leadsom has announced she is stepping down from being a woman with immediate effect. The former Tory leadership affront-runner said in a statement that her behaviour has in the past fallen short of the very low standards expected of a woman by misogynists.
A number of other high profile females are expected to resign their posts as women in the coming days, as the Westminster scandal about the behaviour of women towards sleaze-bags continues.
Among the allegations spraying around the Commons teat rooms are:
• Women cruelly rejecting the advances of dirty old men, causing the ageing casanovas to feel very uncomfortable and upset.
• A journalist spurning full-frontal bench MP Michael Felon’s hand on her knee by threatening to punch him in the face – a serious criminal offence!
Meanwhile, in a BDSM development, Theresa May has re-erected the career of her chief whip, Gimpy Williamson, making him the Sexretary of State for Re-offence.
An airline has apologised to some passengers after it actually flew them somewhere. The customers had already boarded the aircraft and taken their seats ...
Fight or Flight – 26th Apricot 2017
An airline has apologised to some passengers after it actually flew them somewhere.
The customers had already boarded the aircraft and taken their seats and were expecting to be told to leave/dragged off at any moment to make way for off-duty staff members etc when the plane unexpectedly took off and flew to its destination.
The visibly shaken family had booked non-refundable accommodation and upon landing were forced to enjoy their holiday.
The airline’s chief executive has since issued a public apology, stating, “No one expects to get on our craft and not be forcibly removed by police and have at least two teeth broken. We are deeply sorry that they didn’t get the full service.”
The family, who were not threatened or roughed up in any way even by cabin crew, is understood to have been served a selection of wines, soft drinks and a hot meal during the flight and is now suing for undisclosed damages.
Theresa Mayonnaise has reiterated her call that, "Breakfast means breakfast and we are going to make a success of it." She says we can remain in the ...
Breakfast: The Latest – 20th Octopus 2016
Theresa Mayonnaise has reiterated her call that, “Breakfast means breakfast and we are going to make a success of it.”
She says we can remain in the single muffin whilst retaining control over our bacon.
“Are the French really going to stop selling us their croissants, the Germans their sausages, and the Spanish their omelettes?” added Philip Ham, Chancer of the Exchequer.
There are others, such as former Prime Minister, Hash Brown, who argue that the UK has never made a rasher decision than the vote for breakfast and that the economy is now toast and will go down the frying pan.
In smoked-filled mushrooms throughout Whitehall, Britain’s top mandarins are now thrashing out whether breakfast will be a cooked affair or more of a fruit salad.
Meanwhile, the PM has repeated her mantra: “Breakfast beans breakfast.”
It has been announced that Jeremy Corbyn's constituency is to disappear, following boundary changes that may finally succeed in getting rid of him where ...
Left Whinge – 14th Septet 2016
It has been announced that Jeremy Corbyn’s constituency is to disappear, following boundary changes that may finally succeed in getting rid of him where all else (plus Angela Eagle) failed. What better time to look back on Jeremy’s first year as Labia leader and his many achievements:
Delivered a sensational, rousing address to the Labour Party conference with all the rhetorical flourish of a damp teacup, in which he was kind enough to read out the stage directions from his autocue: “strong message here.”
Misunderstood the words “Her Majesty’s Official Opposition”, and thought he was supposed to oppose the Queen rather than the Government. He refused to sing God Save The Queen, or meet Elizabeth R in the privy and kiss her ring.
Introduced a kinder kind of politics. Unfortunately, it turned out to be more of a Kinder Egg kind of politics, with a lot of nasty surprises like bricks being put through opponents’ windows.
Boarded a railway train and sat on the floor and complained of a ram-packed service. Trains can sometimes be jam-packed or rammed; a ram-packed carriage is a more serious matter, though, as male sheep can be very uncomfortable to sit next to with their horns and hot woolly coats.
Meanwhile, David Cameron has decided to quit as an MP.
The Right (wing) Dishonourable David Cameron MP (Member for Pig’s Mouth), committed back-bencher and diligent constituency MP with no interest in making millions on the international public speaking/corporate advice circuit, 13th July 2016 – 12th September 2016. RIP (relax in prosperity).
During a visit to Mexico, Humpty Trumpty has defended his controversial decision to build a wall along its border with the USA. The hilarious-looking ...
No Nursery Rhyme Or Reason – 1st Septet 2016
During a visit to Mexico, Humpty Trumpty has defended his controversial decision to build a wall along its border with the USA. The hilarious-looking figure of fun denied that the wall would end up breaking him, and said he is not sitting on the fence when it comes to who should pay for it. Humpty Trumpty said he has the right policies to win the US presidential election in November and was going to “have a great Fall (Autumn)”.
Let's focus on the leadership contest that no-one's talking about: the battle to lead the slow motion failed coup against ...
Labour Parting – 8th Julie 2016
Let’s focus on the leadership contest that no-one’s talking about: the battle to lead the slow motion failed coup against Jeremy Corbyn. It’s a race between Angular Eagle and Owing Jones to decide who will be the candidate to declare that they would have run against Jeremy Corbyn if they’d had the guts but actually won’t be because they haven’t and wouldn’t have won anyway. Glandular Eagle is still the bookies’ favourite to be the unofficial leader of the not-very-effective opposition to Her Majesty’s Official (and also not-very-effective) Opposition.
Meanwhile, the race for female Prime Minister is now between Theresa “just getting on with the job” May and Andrea “just making up some old jobs that I never did” Ledsome(on), after opportunist back-stabber Liz Kendall was voted off the shortlist for being too Tory.