An airline has apologised to some passengers after it actually flew them somewhere. The customers had already boarded the aircraft and taken their seats ...
Fight or Flight – 26th Apricot 2017
An airline has apologised to some passengers after it actually flew them somewhere.
The customers had already boarded the aircraft and taken their seats and were expecting to be told to leave/dragged off at any moment to make way for off-duty staff members etc when the plane unexpectedly took off and flew to its destination.
The visibly shaken family had booked non-refundable accommodation and upon landing were forced to enjoy their holiday.
The airline’s chief executive has since issued a public apology, stating, “No one expects to get on our craft and not be forcibly removed by police and have at least two teeth broken. We are deeply sorry that they didn’t get the full service.”
The family, who were not threatened or roughed up in any way even by cabin crew, is understood to have been served a selection of wines, soft drinks and a hot meal during the flight and is now suing for undisclosed damages.
Theresa Mayonnaise has reiterated her call that, "Breakfast means breakfast and we are going to make a success of it." She says we can remain in the ...
Breakfast: The Latest – 20th Octopus 2016
Theresa Mayonnaise has reiterated her call that, “Breakfast means breakfast and we are going to make a success of it.”
She says we can remain in the single muffin whilst retaining control over our bacon.
“Are the French really going to stop selling us their croissants, the Germans their sausages, and the Spanish their omelettes?” added Philip Ham, Chancer of the Exchequer.
There are others, such as former Prime Minister, Hash Brown, who argue that the UK has never made a rasher decision than the vote for breakfast and that the economy is now toast and will go down the frying pan.
In smoked-filled mushrooms throughout Whitehall, Britain’s top mandarins are now thrashing out whether breakfast will be a cooked affair or more of a fruit salad.
Meanwhile, the PM has repeated her mantra: “Breakfast beans breakfast.”
It has been announced that Jeremy Corbyn's constituency is to disappear, following boundary changes that may finally succeed in getting rid of him where ...
Left Whinge – 14th Septet 2016
It has been announced that Jeremy Corbyn’s constituency is to disappear, following boundary changes that may finally succeed in getting rid of him where all else (plus Angela Eagle) failed. What better time to look back on Jeremy’s first year as Labia leader and his many achievements:
Delivered a sensational, rousing address to the Labour Party conference with all the rhetorical flourish of a damp teacup, in which he was kind enough to read out the stage directions from his autocue: “strong message here.”
Misunderstood the words “Her Majesty’s Official Opposition”, and thought he was supposed to oppose the Queen rather than the Government. He refused to sing God Save The Queen, or meet Elizabeth R in the privy and kiss her ring.
Introduced a kinder kind of politics. Unfortunately, it turned out to be more of a Kinder Egg kind of politics, with a lot of nasty surprises like bricks being put through opponents’ windows.
Boarded a railway train and sat on the floor and complained of a ram-packed service. Trains can sometimes be jam-packed or rammed; a ram-packed carriage is a more serious matter, though, as male sheep can be very uncomfortable to sit next to with their horns and hot woolly coats.
Meanwhile, David Cameron has decided to quit as an MP.
The Right (wing) Dishonourable David Cameron MP (Member for Pig’s Mouth), committed back-bencher and diligent constituency MP with no interest in making millions on the international public speaking/corporate advice circuit, 13th July 2016 – 12th September 2016. RIP (relax in prosperity).
During a visit to Mexico, Humpty Trumpty has defended his controversial decision to build a wall along its border with the USA. The hilarious-looking ...
No Nursery Rhyme Or Reason – 1st Septet 2016
During a visit to Mexico, Humpty Trumpty has defended his controversial decision to build a wall along its border with the USA. The hilarious-looking figure of fun denied that the wall would end up breaking him, and said he is not sitting on the fence when it comes to who should pay for it. Humpty Trumpty said he has the right policies to win the US presidential election in November and was going to “have a great Fall (Autumn)”.
Let's focus on the leadership contest that no-one's talking about: the battle to lead the slow motion failed coup against ...
Labour Parting – 8th Julie 2016
Let’s focus on the leadership contest that no-one’s talking about: the battle to lead the slow motion failed coup against Jeremy Corbyn. It’s a race between Angular Eagle and Owing Jones to decide who will be the candidate to declare that they would have run against Jeremy Corbyn if they’d had the guts but actually won’t be because they haven’t and wouldn’t have won anyway. Glandular Eagle is still the bookies’ favourite to be the unofficial leader of the not-very-effective opposition to Her Majesty’s Official (and also not-very-effective) Opposition.
Meanwhile, the race for female Prime Minister is now between Theresa “just getting on with the job” May and Andrea “just making up some old jobs that I never did” Ledsome(on), after opportunist back-stabber Liz Kendall was voted off the shortlist for being too Tory.
They say this month could be the UK's wettest June on record. With this in mind, may I interest you in my latest ...
The Wettest June on Record – 20th Juniper 2016They say this month could be the UK’s wettest June on record. With this in mind, may I interest you in my latest merchandise item: The Wettest June On Record.This lovingly crafted gramophone record features the sounds of our lovely wet month. Here are the track listings in full (until I get bored):Side 1:Track 1: sound of drizzleTrack 2: sound of rainTrack 3: thunderTrack 4: hailstorm noisesTrack 5: etc etcOn Side 2, I have recorded people’s conversations about this momentous weather, with comments such as, “Call this a summer?” and, “Well, at least it’s good for the garden!”My record is available to you for just over one hundred pounds – far less than the money you’ll save by staying in all month, waiting for the sun to come out. So you’ll be quids in, as will I.Please send cheques to my lawyers at:Sir Roger Crumble QCTax Haven LegalsPanamaOr just send cash in a grubby envelope to:Mr Paul FootTurncoat LaneEssex
A weird old woman has gone on a rant in the Houses of Parliament. The 90-year-old pensioner arrived at Westminster yesterday by coach (Imperial State ...
Queen’s Screech – 20th Mayonnaise 2016
A weird old woman has gone on a rant in the Houses of Parliament. The 90-year-old pensioner arrived at Westminster yesterday by coach (Imperial State Coach) from a provincial estate (possibly Sandringham, Balmoral, or one of her other ones) and started wittering on to anyone who’d listen about improving the prison service and NHS, making society fairer etc., etc. The vague and incoherent plans and hollow promises went on for over ten minutes, with members of the Houses of Lords and Commons listening in shocked silence; before she delivered a few parting comments such as, “I live in a little home up the road. It’s not much, but it’s my palace,” “those Chinese are awfully rude,” and, “I’m the Queen of Canada, honest!” The fantasist and her cantankerous husband were bundled in to the back of their solid gold, 12-horse-power vehicle and taken away for a banquet.Several Labour Party members have been suspended after it was revealed that they had made anti-Tory comments. One even ...
Anti-Semantics – 3rd Mayonnaise 2016Several Labour Party members have been suspended after it was revealed that they had made anti-Tory comments. One even suggested that all Tories should move to America (and presumably join Donald Trump).The acting Labour leader, Junior Corby Trouser Press said, “We will not tolerate anti-Conservative sentiment in our Party. We are a friendly party who welcome everyone, including Tories.”Others have accused the Labour Party of being in denial about the problem. A senior backbench Conservative MP called Liz Kendall, who did not wish to be named, said, “It’s time the socialists faced up to a significant strain within its ranks of people who do not support the Tories and wish us to be wiped off the political map.”The crisis comes at a bad time for the Labour Party, who are now expected to receive no votes at all from Tories at the forthcoming local elections.from Mr. Paul Foot, Life President of the Guild of Paul Foot ConnoisseursAs we approach the Queen's 90th birthday in a few weeks, let us spare a thought for another royal, largely forgotten these ...
King William the Fiftieth – 7th Apricot 2016As we approach the Queen’s 90th birthday in a few weeks, let us spare a thought for another royal, largely forgotten these days, who also has a big birthday coming up: Prince William, who will be 50 later this year. In honour of this milestone, here are some facts about Him at a glance.1. Staid, dull, out of touch, privileged and irrelevant, William is nevertheless worthy of our deep respect and reverence, of course.2. Massively unpopular with the public, plus bald; many hope that, after the Queen is gone, the Crown will pass directly to William’s popular, charismatic son, Georgie, 0.3. Will’s wifey, Our Kate, was once tipped to be one of the world’s most beautiful women; but nowadays looks a real fright in her awful, frumpy Duchess outfits. Attention is turning to why William did not marry Katie’s sister, Pepper Middleton.4. Willy’s half-brother, Harry, was once photographed wearing only his bare bottom during a Las Vegas sax session.5. The least popular royal (with the exception of Princesses Anne, Edward and Andrew) remains Camilla, Duchess of Benson and Hedges; who, nevertheless, would be great fun at a dinner party.from Mr. Paul Foot, Life President of the Guild of Paul Foot ConnoisseursIt has been revealed that 97% of migrants attempting to get into the EU are desperate asylum seekers fleeing war and persecution / economic ...
Brexit: Confused Dot Con – 18th Marsh 2016It has been revealed that 97% of migrants attempting to get into the EU are desperate asylum seekers fleeing war and persecution / economic migrants chancing their arm at a better life at our expense.This is why it’s so important that we remain in the EU so we can work together to solve this humanitarian crisis / leave the EU so we can reestablish control of our own borders.In other news, financial experts have stated that a Brexit would harm our trade with Europe and diminish our standing in the world / allow us to agree better trading arrangements with Europe and make us a stronger world power.Also, if we left, we’d still have to abide by the rules of the EU, but without having a say / could make our own rules, which would be a lot better.A vote to leave would be totally irresponsible and a dangerous leap into the unknown / a jump from a sinking ship and the best thing we’ve ever done.At the end of the day, no one’s saying Europe is perfect – it needs reform- but we’re stronger together / Europe is undemocratic and unaccountable and we’re better off out of it.The vote looms. I’ve given you all the information. Now you decide.from Mr. Paul Foot, Life President of the Guild of Paul Foot Connoisseurs