With a new year underway, the popular reality TV show It’s A Royal Knockout is hotting up. Let’s take a recap of previous episodes: 1. The ...
Windsors & Losers – 9th Janitor 2020
With a new year underway, the popular reality TV show It’s A Royal Knockout is hotting up. Let’s take a recap of previous episodes:
1. The Abdication of Responsibility Crisis
The first ever episode of It’s A Royal Knockoff was actually in 1936 when King David (known as Edward VIII to his family) abdicated after controversy surrounding his marriage to Wallis Gromit.
2. The Princess and the Pee (-off)
Princess Diana was the next to leave the Royal Family, after Charles and Camilla decided to reduce their “crowded” marriage involving three people to two.
3. Yorkie Barred
Fergie aka Alex Ferguson was thrown out of the royal fold after divorcing her husband Prince Andrew (more on him in explosive Episode 5!)
4. Duke of Hazard
A couple of years ago, Prince Phyllis, Fluke of Edinburgh retired from royal duties, as he was too old to make racist comments. Despite no longer carrying out official engagements, he continued to drive until he was involved in a car accident, in which he killed 37 people.
5. Bad News Night
In the next episode of It’s a Royal Cockout, His Royal Highness Whince Andrew, Dick of York, gave an interview to the BBC in which he said he’d been “too honourable“ to his friend Jeffrey Epstein, who’d “conducted himself in a manner unbecoming” (a royal way of saying he’d been a sex offender). Andrew soon found himself unbecoming a working royal, as he was forced to “step back from royal duties for the foreseeable future” (a royal way of saying we won’t be hearing from him again ever).
6. When Harry Met Megan
Their Royal Haughtinesses The Puke and Muchess of Sussex are the latest to announce they’re “stepping back”. Their plan is to live between North America and their taxpayer-funded refurbished mansion in Windsor, carrying out “charitable work”, ie. seeing friends, having their cake and eating it, partying etc., whilst, naturally, retaining their royal titles and police protection officers etc – all, conveniently, paid for by the taxpayer.
Coming up in episode 7…
Who will be next to leave the royals? Could it be frustrated Charles, dull aristocrat Wills, lovely no-nonsense Anne, or even Our Kate? Perhaps the Queen herself will decide enough is enough. Or maybe a royal waste of space you’ve never heard of, like Prince Edward or Princess Michael of Kent or the interchangeable Princesses Beatrice/Eugenie will be the next to go! Don’t bother tuning in for the next tawdry episode of It’s A Royal Layabout.
News organisations around the world have been left scrambling for articles, after no famous person of note died today. Newspaper editors have declared a ...
Better Late Than Never – 28th Octopus 2019
News organisations around the world have been left scrambling for articles, after no famous person of note died today. Newspaper editors have declared a week of official mourning, after their need for obituaries dried up.
In America, agents to legendary singer Dolly Parton said they were still coming to terms with her continuing life and career. In a statement they said, “Our beloved client Dolly is still here. We ask people not to send flowers, but instead to donate to dollypartonticketsstillavailableforupcomingshows.con.”
In Australia, tributes have not been pouring in from across the political spectrum after former Liberal Party* Prime Minister John Howard was declared not dead. Labor Party leader, Anthony Albanese, said, “When he dies I shall say that although I didn’t always agree with everything he did, John was undoubtedly a man of principle and a great public servant, as well as a good friend. In the meantime, I just want to say that I really don’t like him.” Mr Howard remains with his wife of 48 years and three children, all of whom have asked not to be given privacy at this not very difficult time.
Finally, in London, huge crowds have begun to not gather, after the death of Prince Philip was not announced. A Buckingham Palace statement read, “It is with the greatest of sadness that it is announced that, at 7am this morning, His Royal Highness’s valet found the Duke of Edinburgh alive and well and demanding more caviar. A full state funeral will not occur in the coming days.” A royal source said, “If Philip had died today he would have been just a few months from his 98th birthday – an event that the whole royal family had been looking forward to. Now that he is not dead, they can continue to look forward to it.”
*Liberal is the Australian word for Conservative, because everything is Australia is upside-down. Also, they do not have a word for liberal.
The BBC (British Broadcasting Cringe) has reversed its ruling concerning breakfast news presenter Naga Munchetty. The crisis began when Naga stated on air ...
BBC Break Fuss – 1st Octopus 2019
The BBC (British Broadcasting Cringe) has reversed its ruling concerning breakfast news presenter Naga Munchetty. The crisis began when Naga stated on air that she thought it wasn’t very nice when people (including that enlightened figure Donald Trump) said racist things. These devastatingly controversial opinions caused an avalanche of complaints from…one person.
In a linguistically complicated ruling that made sense to no one, the BBC (Best Before Bygone Century) stated that Munchetty had breached editorial guidelines by failing to make clear that just because Trump had said a racist comment that didn’t mean he himself was actually racist. (Note: We know that the vast majority of people who say racist things are not themselves racist, as they invariably precede their comments with, “I’m not racist but…”)
Following a counter-complaint from…around 65 million people, the Beeb’s Director Generous, Tiny Hall, reversed the ruling. In a statement he said, “I can confirm that Naga is not racist-ist (prejudiced against racists). She might have made a racism-ist comment (disparaging comment about a racist comment) but she is not guilty of institutionalised racist-ism or even racism-ism-ism (prejudice against people who are prejudiced against racism).”
Meanwhile, the actual fight against racism continues.
In an unusual breach of protocol at the State Banquet, President Trump has grabbed the Queen by the p*ssy (or, as it's known in royal circles, grabbed her ...
Elizabeth Vagina – 4th Juniper 2019
In an unusual breach of protocol at the State Banquet, President Trump has grabbed the Queen by the p*ssy (or, as it’s known in royal circles, grabbed her by the Regina). Her Majesty remained inscrutable throughout.
A Palace spokesman (Crystal Palace Football Club) refused to be drawn on the incident, stating only that the Queen would be unfazed by such a departure from protocol, as she is an old pro (not that sort!)
It is a major faux pas to touch Her Majesty in any way, as she is believed by thickies to be anointed by God.
Camilla remained unharmed during the incident.
Everything about politics at present is too weird for comedy, and with President Tramp’s State Visit, it’s just got weirder. So, I shall restrict ...
The Lady and the Trump – 3rd Juniper 2019
Everything about politics at present is too weird for comedy, and with President Tramp’s State Visit, it’s just got weirder. So, I shall restrict myself to a brief summary:
An extremely unpopular democratically-elected multi-millionaire ex-reality TV star head of state today flew in to a city whose mayor he describes as a stone-cold loser (although its former mayor he thinks is a great bloke and hopes will be democratically elected by 120,000 elderly rich people to be our next Prime Minister) to meet a popular multi-millionaire hereditary monarch. He had luncheon with Prince Harry, an hereditary hanger-on, who recently married an American lady President Rump described as nasty on an audio recording (although he later denied he had said that, even though he did obviously say it, because we can hear him saying it). Not quite sure what the two of them spoke about at lunch – the weather, I suppose (although definitely not climate change!)
This afternoon, the President met the Duke of York (what a highlight!) to lay a wreath at the tomb of the unknown soldier (“no one even knows who he is – what a loser!” is what he almost certainly remarked). Later, President Frump will attend a state banquet, which the twice democratically-elected and also totally unelectable Leader of the Labour Party will not attend, nor will President Grump’s best friend, Nigel Frottage, 5-times democratically elected to a parliament he doesn’t want to be in. Making up for the absence of Nigel Facade, luckily the President’s best hand-holding friend, the democratically-elected (just!) lamest of lame ducks Prime Minister, will be there for her final meal before her political execution.
Quite contrary to expectations, and despite the guiding hand of strong and stable master tactician, Terroresa May, Brexit has been delayed. This means ...
Euro-peeing Elections – 3rd Mayonnaise 2019
Quite contrary to expectations, and despite the guiding hand of strong and stable master tactician, Terroresa May, Brexit has been delayed. This means there will soon be elections in Britain for the Euro-penile parliament. Confused about how to vote? Here is my guide to the runners and riders:
The Conservative Party
Are you one of the three or four people in the country who believes that the negotiations with the EU have been going well and that the dynamic, inspiring government has seamlessly combined them with a tranche of exciting, bold legislation in education, health, environment etc, to make Britain an even better place to live? If so, then they’re the party for you.
The Labour Party
The Labour Party’s policy towards Brexit is er, um… If your view on the Brexit conundrum is er, um; then place your vote with them.
The party has lurched to the far right in recent months and is now somewhere to the right of… well, UKIP. With the BNP on the wane, could this be the party for you?
The Brexit Party
Saviour of the nation, Nigel Facade, won Britain a well-earned Breakfast; but then stupidly he left the Breakfast preparations to Terry-Saw May and she burnt the sausages and had to abandon Breakfast. Now Nigella is back with a vengeance and this time, Breakfast means Brexit! Nigella is a bit suspicious of Eastern Europeans, but he’s an affable bloke, who enjoys a whisky in the pub, and he’s looking for your vote.
The Liberal Democrats
Remember them? Weren’t they in government a few years ago? Didn’t they use to have about 58 MPs in Parliament? If you can remember who the Liberal Democrats are, why not vote for them?
Formerly the Independent Group, they changed their name to Change. They want change, and so, if you can spare any change, spare a thought for Change UK.
The SNP are in favour of a second referendum on Scottish independence. “What do we want?” “A REFERENDUM!” “When do we want it?” “AS SOON AS WE’RE SURE OF WINNING IT!” If you believe in a second referendum – the so-called ‘People’s Vote’ – then put your cross by the SNP.
The DUP want Northern Ireland to be part of the UK. They want no differences whatsoever between the laws of Great Britain and the laws of Northern Ireland (apart from the British laws they don’t agree with, e.g. gay marriage, abortion). If you either do or don’t agree with gay marriage, then you must vote DUP.
The Green Party
The Green Party used to be seen as a single issue party, i.e. Caroline Lucas – the only Green Party politician that anyone’s ever heard of. But the Caroline Lucas Party are about so much more that just Caroline – apparently they’re interested in the environment as well. Vote Green, if you truly care about Caroline Lucas.
Well, there you have it. Those are the options – the decision is now yours baybayyy.
Hot AirMPs have voted to support an amendment preventing snow in the UK. The legally-binding legislation, tabled by ...
Hot Air – 4th Fabruary 2019
MPs have voted to support an amendment preventing snow in the UK. The legally-binding legislation, tabled by backbencher MP for Wetherby, Frosty the Snowman, was passed by a narrow majority, after Theresa May-to-September’s compromise of winter sleet was comprehensively voted down.
Labour Party leader, Jeremy Snowman, said, “We need a winter that protects workers’ rights – giving them access to warm sunshine all year round.”
Others had favoured a Norway-plus option, in which we’d have cold snowy winters but very long sunny summer days.
Meanwhile, the EU have said the votes count for nothing, as we will have to share our weather with Europe for many years to come and that, under any deal with them, we’d have to give them a “divorce payment” of up to 76 per cent of our Gulf Stream warmth.
As you know, our country faces one of its biggest ever decisions. I don’t mean the decision about Brexit itself: that’s a straightforward choice ...
Brexit Broadcasting Corporation – 30th Novella 2018
As you know, our country faces one of its biggest ever decisions. I don’t mean the decision about Brexit itself: that’s a straightforward choice between the current deal, no-deal, a Norway or Canada plus arrangement, or a second referendum. Easy. No, I mean the thorny and complex issue of what sort of Brexit debate Theresa May and Jeremy Corbyn will have this Sunday. Our esteemed political leaders cannot even agree on which channel they want to be on!
Here I give a summary of the possible options:
1. David Attenborough’s Brexit Documentary
Dave uses hidden cameras to film the wild political animals in their natural environment: Theresa in her strong and stable position and Jeremy in his usual pose, sitting on the fence. He even manages to capture some rare footage of the lesser-spotted Vince Cable, as well as a few Tory dinosaurs.
2. Brexit Come Dancing
Our TV screens dazzle with a thousand sequins as we watch Conservative and Labour remainers dance together. Can they put aside their differences in tempo and remain in step? The show concludes with Theresa performing a sad solo dance and Arlene Foster performing the dance of the seven veiled threats.*
*obscure joke relating to the Richard Strauss opera Salome, and its Dance of the Seven Veils. Look it up!
3. I’m a European, Get Me Out Of Here
Time for the Brexiteers to shine. Watch them in the political jungle as they attempt to swallow a number of unpalatable things, such as EU regulations, European Court of Human Rights rulings and that friggin’ backstop.
4 Debate about the debate
The politicians cannot agree on what sort of Brexit debate they want, and so we simply watch them in the House of Commons have a debate about the debate until everyone gets so angry the nation literally splits into pieces and sinks into the sea.
Hate crime? Why not do a hate crime?Forget bank robberies and muggings, the smart criminal of today is turning toward an ...
Hate crime? Why not do a hate crime? – 24th Octopus 2018
Hate crime? Why not do a hate crime?
Forget bank robberies and muggings, the smart criminal of today is turning toward an altogether easier type of misdemeanour: the hate crime. Let’s go over the options:
1. Ryanair flight mouth-off
Upon boarding a flight from, say, Barcelona to Stansted, why not issue a tirade* of abuse at a perfectly pleasant 77-year-old disabled lady and her daughter, whom you want to move seats? Don’t worry – the spineless Ryanair cabin crew won’t have you thrown off the flight or anything like that – so be sure to throw in lots of racism into the insults. A fun way to start a flight. All the frequent flyers are doing it these days – in the frequent flyer lounges it’s a near-constant mix of aggression, intimidation, insults and violence. And champagne.
*abuse should always take the form of a tirade (or, in emergency, a volley). If it were not for the use of the word tirade in this context, then the word would die out!
Welcome to this new word that most of us hadn’t heard of until about a week ago: misandry – the hatred of men. The government has been considering whether to make misandry a hate crime. Now that misogyny has been completed eradicated from society, I’m sure we’d all agree that the very serious and all-pervading crime of misandry needs addressing. Misogyny is so last millennium (and countless millennia before that), so the chic on-trend criminal is turning to misandry as the go-to felony. Remember those insults you can shout at men, such as, “Hey, hunk, you’re so strong!” and “I bet you’ve slept with loads of women, you adonis.”
3. Join the army
If you’re too nervous to commit a hate crime yourself, why not join the army and pose for a photo with cuddly Tommy Robinson* and enjoy the hatred by proxy.
*in the interests of balance, I should point out that Our Tommy has never been convicted of a hate crime – only various assaults, using someone else’s passport, mortgage fraud and contempt of court. Nice man.
Conservative, Labour - which party is more divided and totally ineffectual? Here is a profile of the state of play of the two main parties and their ...
Divided and Ruling – 5th Septet 2018
Conservative, Labour – which party is more divided and totally ineffectual? Here is a profile of the state of play of the two main parties and their beleaguered leaders:
Leader: Terrorisa May, Leader of the Opposition
Summary: The Conservative Party has spent most of the last few months arguing about what Brexit means, as Terrorisa May has refused to accept the internationally accepted definition of Brexit. Many opponents within the party are urging her to adopt the controversial definition, but she has thus far resisted, simply insisting that “Brexit means Brexit”, and saying that she has always been a lifelong opponent of anti-Brexitism. Her main rival within the party, Boris Yeltsin, has challenged her again this week, accusing her of not knowing what Brexit means, whilst repeatedly declining to tell anyone what he thinks it means. With the party bitterly divided and immersed in these internal squabbles, they have not been effectively holding the government to account, as it negotiates one of the biggest changes in our history.
Leader: Jezebel Corbyn, Prime Minister
Summary: The government, under Jezebel Corbyn, has been busy trying to negotiate our exit from Israel. They have pointed out that they are not anti-Israel, just delivering on the referendum result that we should leave Israel. But with a huge percentage of our trade being with Israel, many are questioning whether this is wise and what would happen in the case of a “no deal.” The government has been busy stockpiling dates and couscous, in case of such an eventuality. Jezebel Corbyn’s party is totally divided between those who favour a soft exit from Israel and those who think we should leave the Middle East entirely.