In an unusual breach of protocol at the State Banquet, President Trump has grabbed the Queen by the p*ssy (or, as it's known in royal circles, grabbed her ...
Elizabeth Vagina – 4th Juniper 2019
In an unusual breach of protocol at the State Banquet, President Trump has grabbed the Queen by the p*ssy (or, as it’s known in royal circles, grabbed her by the Regina). Her Majesty remained inscrutable throughout.
A Palace spokesman (Crystal Palace Football Club) refused to be drawn on the incident, stating only that the Queen would be unfazed by such a departure from protocol, as she is an old pro (not that sort!)
It is a major faux pas to touch Her Majesty in any way, as she is believed by thickies to be anointed by God.
Camilla remained unharmed during the incident.
Everything about politics at present is too weird for comedy, and with President Tramp’s State Visit, it’s just got weirder. So, I shall restrict ...
The Lady and the Trump – 3rd Juniper 2019
Everything about politics at present is too weird for comedy, and with President Tramp’s State Visit, it’s just got weirder. So, I shall restrict myself to a brief summary:
An extremely unpopular democratically-elected multi-millionaire ex-reality TV star head of state today flew in to a city whose mayor he describes as a stone-cold loser (although its former mayor he thinks is a great bloke and hopes will be democratically elected by 120,000 elderly rich people to be our next Prime Minister) to meet a popular multi-millionaire hereditary monarch. He had luncheon with Prince Harry, an hereditary hanger-on, who recently married an American lady President Rump described as nasty on an audio recording (although he later denied he had said that, even though he did obviously say it, because we can hear him saying it). Not quite sure what the two of them spoke about at lunch – the weather, I suppose (although definitely not climate change!)
This afternoon, the President met the Duke of York (what a highlight!) to lay a wreath at the tomb of the unknown soldier (“no one even knows who he is – what a loser!” is what he almost certainly remarked). Later, President Frump will attend a state banquet, which the twice democratically-elected and also totally unelectable Leader of the Labour Party will not attend, nor will President Grump’s best friend, Nigel Frottage, 5-times democratically elected to a parliament he doesn’t want to be in. Making up for the absence of Nigel Facade, luckily the President’s best hand-holding friend, the democratically-elected (just!) lamest of lame ducks Prime Minister, will be there for her final meal before her political execution.
Quite contrary to expectations, and despite the guiding hand of strong and stable master tactician, Terroresa May, Brexit has been delayed. This means ...
Euro-peeing Elections – 3rd Mayonnaise 2019
Quite contrary to expectations, and despite the guiding hand of strong and stable master tactician, Terroresa May, Brexit has been delayed. This means there will soon be elections in Britain for the Euro-penile parliament. Confused about how to vote? Here is my guide to the runners and riders:
The Conservative Party
Are you one of the three or four people in the country who believes that the negotiations with the EU have been going well and that the dynamic, inspiring government has seamlessly combined them with a tranche of exciting, bold legislation in education, health, environment etc, to make Britain an even better place to live? If so, then they’re the party for you.
The Labour Party
The Labour Party’s policy towards Brexit is er, um… If your view on the Brexit conundrum is er, um; then place your vote with them.
The party has lurched to the far right in recent months and is now somewhere to the right of… well, UKIP. With the BNP on the wane, could this be the party for you?
The Brexit Party
Saviour of the nation, Nigel Facade, won Britain a well-earned Breakfast; but then stupidly he left the Breakfast preparations to Terry-Saw May and she burnt the sausages and had to abandon Breakfast. Now Nigella is back with a vengeance and this time, Breakfast means Brexit! Nigella is a bit suspicious of Eastern Europeans, but he’s an affable bloke, who enjoys a whisky in the pub, and he’s looking for your vote.
The Liberal Democrats
Remember them? Weren’t they in government a few years ago? Didn’t they use to have about 58 MPs in Parliament? If you can remember who the Liberal Democrats are, why not vote for them?
Formerly the Independent Group, they changed their name to Change. They want change, and so, if you can spare any change, spare a thought for Change UK.
The SNP are in favour of a second referendum on Scottish independence. “What do we want?” “A REFERENDUM!” “When do we want it?” “AS SOON AS WE’RE SURE OF WINNING IT!” If you believe in a second referendum – the so-called ‘People’s Vote’ – then put your cross by the SNP.
The DUP want Northern Ireland to be part of the UK. They want no differences whatsoever between the laws of Great Britain and the laws of Northern Ireland (apart from the British laws they don’t agree with, e.g. gay marriage, abortion). If you either do or don’t agree with gay marriage, then you must vote DUP.
The Green Party
The Green Party used to be seen as a single issue party, i.e. Caroline Lucas – the only Green Party politician that anyone’s ever heard of. But the Caroline Lucas Party are about so much more that just Caroline – apparently they’re interested in the environment as well. Vote Green, if you truly care about Caroline Lucas.
Well, there you have it. Those are the options – the decision is now yours baybayyy.
Hot AirMPs have voted to support an amendment preventing snow in the UK. The legally-binding legislation, tabled by ...
Hot Air – 4th Fabruary 2019
MPs have voted to support an amendment preventing snow in the UK. The legally-binding legislation, tabled by backbencher MP for Wetherby, Frosty the Snowman, was passed by a narrow majority, after Theresa May-to-September’s compromise of winter sleet was comprehensively voted down.
Labour Party leader, Jeremy Snowman, said, “We need a winter that protects workers’ rights – giving them access to warm sunshine all year round.”
Others had favoured a Norway-plus option, in which we’d have cold snowy winters but very long sunny summer days.
Meanwhile, the EU have said the votes count for nothing, as we will have to share our weather with Europe for many years to come and that, under any deal with them, we’d have to give them a “divorce payment” of up to 76 per cent of our Gulf Stream warmth.
As you know, our country faces one of its biggest ever decisions. I don’t mean the decision about Brexit itself: that’s a straightforward choice ...
Brexit Broadcasting Corporation – 30th Novella 2018
As you know, our country faces one of its biggest ever decisions. I don’t mean the decision about Brexit itself: that’s a straightforward choice between the current deal, no-deal, a Norway or Canada plus arrangement, or a second referendum. Easy. No, I mean the thorny and complex issue of what sort of Brexit debate Theresa May and Jeremy Corbyn will have this Sunday. Our esteemed political leaders cannot even agree on which channel they want to be on!
Here I give a summary of the possible options:
1. David Attenborough’s Brexit Documentary
Dave uses hidden cameras to film the wild political animals in their natural environment: Theresa in her strong and stable position and Jeremy in his usual pose, sitting on the fence. He even manages to capture some rare footage of the lesser-spotted Vince Cable, as well as a few Tory dinosaurs.
2. Brexit Come Dancing
Our TV screens dazzle with a thousand sequins as we watch Conservative and Labour remainers dance together. Can they put aside their differences in tempo and remain in step? The show concludes with Theresa performing a sad solo dance and Arlene Foster performing the dance of the seven veiled threats.*
*obscure joke relating to the Richard Strauss opera Salome, and its Dance of the Seven Veils. Look it up!
3. I’m a European, Get Me Out Of Here
Time for the Brexiteers to shine. Watch them in the political jungle as they attempt to swallow a number of unpalatable things, such as EU regulations, European Court of Human Rights rulings and that friggin’ backstop.
4 Debate about the debate
The politicians cannot agree on what sort of Brexit debate they want, and so we simply watch them in the House of Commons have a debate about the debate until everyone gets so angry the nation literally splits into pieces and sinks into the sea.
Hate crime? Why not do a hate crime?Forget bank robberies and muggings, the smart criminal of today is turning toward an ...
Hate crime? Why not do a hate crime? – 24th Octopus 2018
Hate crime? Why not do a hate crime?
Forget bank robberies and muggings, the smart criminal of today is turning toward an altogether easier type of misdemeanour: the hate crime. Let’s go over the options:
1. Ryanair flight mouth-off
Upon boarding a flight from, say, Barcelona to Stansted, why not issue a tirade* of abuse at a perfectly pleasant 77-year-old disabled lady and her daughter, whom you want to move seats? Don’t worry – the spineless Ryanair cabin crew won’t have you thrown off the flight or anything like that – so be sure to throw in lots of racism into the insults. A fun way to start a flight. All the frequent flyers are doing it these days – in the frequent flyer lounges it’s a near-constant mix of aggression, intimidation, insults and violence. And champagne.
*abuse should always take the form of a tirade (or, in emergency, a volley). If it were not for the use of the word tirade in this context, then the word would die out!
Welcome to this new word that most of us hadn’t heard of until about a week ago: misandry – the hatred of men. The government has been considering whether to make misandry a hate crime. Now that misogyny has been completed eradicated from society, I’m sure we’d all agree that the very serious and all-pervading crime of misandry needs addressing. Misogyny is so last millennium (and countless millennia before that), so the chic on-trend criminal is turning to misandry as the go-to felony. Remember those insults you can shout at men, such as, “Hey, hunk, you’re so strong!” and “I bet you’ve slept with loads of women, you adonis.”
3. Join the army
If you’re too nervous to commit a hate crime yourself, why not join the army and pose for a photo with cuddly Tommy Robinson* and enjoy the hatred by proxy.
*in the interests of balance, I should point out that Our Tommy has never been convicted of a hate crime – only various assaults, using someone else’s passport, mortgage fraud and contempt of court. Nice man.
Conservative, Labour - which party is more divided and totally ineffectual? Here is a profile of the state of play of the two main parties and their ...
Divided and Ruling – 5th Septet 2018
Conservative, Labour – which party is more divided and totally ineffectual? Here is a profile of the state of play of the two main parties and their beleaguered leaders:
Leader: Terrorisa May, Leader of the Opposition
Summary: The Conservative Party has spent most of the last few months arguing about what Brexit means, as Terrorisa May has refused to accept the internationally accepted definition of Brexit. Many opponents within the party are urging her to adopt the controversial definition, but she has thus far resisted, simply insisting that “Brexit means Brexit”, and saying that she has always been a lifelong opponent of anti-Brexitism. Her main rival within the party, Boris Yeltsin, has challenged her again this week, accusing her of not knowing what Brexit means, whilst repeatedly declining to tell anyone what he thinks it means. With the party bitterly divided and immersed in these internal squabbles, they have not been effectively holding the government to account, as it negotiates one of the biggest changes in our history.
Leader: Jezebel Corbyn, Prime Minister
Summary: The government, under Jezebel Corbyn, has been busy trying to negotiate our exit from Israel. They have pointed out that they are not anti-Israel, just delivering on the referendum result that we should leave Israel. But with a huge percentage of our trade being with Israel, many are questioning whether this is wise and what would happen in the case of a “no deal.” The government has been busy stockpiling dates and couscous, in case of such an eventuality. Jezebel Corbyn’s party is totally divided between those who favour a soft exit from Israel and those who think we should leave the Middle East entirely.
The world has reacted with jubilation to the rescue of trapped members of the Cabinet. The politicians became trapped in a dangerous cave, known as 10 ...
Tie Land – 10th Julie 2018
The world has reacted with jubilation to the rescue of trapped members of the Cabinet. The politicians became trapped in a dangerous cave, known as 10 Downing Street – deep underground and far removed from reality. The first of the Wild Bores to be rescued was a weak specimen called Davis Davis; followed by Boris Johnson, who had spent months in perilous conditions, trying to deliver Brexit.
There was an outpouring of gratitude to the brave backbenchers who worked day and night to extricate the MPs, who’d been totally out of their depth – unable to even swim, let alone put together coherent policies. It had been expected that all members of the cabinet team would be freed but, to everyone’s surprise, several of them decided to remain in their bunker, including their coach, Theresa May – who has faced criticism for getting the team into the mess in the first place. With the monsoon rains about to fall, it is not expected that we’ll hear anything sensible from them this side of Christmas.
The BBC have abolished all journalism and the reporting of news. Instead, they have replaced traditional news stories about important events with ...
No News Is Good News – 5th Juniper 2018
The BBC have abolished all journalism and the reporting of news. Instead, they have replaced traditional news stories about important events with non-stories about things that don’t matter, and exhaustive analysis of what various nobodies wrote on Titter about the aforementioned non-story.
For example, take today’s BBC lead story about how fist-rate presenter and bucket-list celebrity Kirsty Allsoap sits in business class on aeroplanes with her kiddies sitting over twenty feet from her in economy. How dare she? What if the cabin were to lose pressure and her sprogs got sucked off while she shat behind a snooty curtain ‘quaffing’ (journalists’ favourite cliche) champagne. The fact that it didn’t happen and there were no problems and it’s none of our business has got NOTHING TO DO WITH IT!!
Here is a summary of how all future news stories will be structured:
1. 11 words of half-hearted journalism about not much.
2. An archive photo of the person who stars in the non-story meeting Princess Anne fifteen years ago.
3. A full rundown of the Twitter “backlash” (including screenshots).
4. To make up for the fact that this all looks woefully threadbare, the remainder of the news page is taken up with user comments such as Angela Balls-Chegwin, of Hampton Wick, getting very worked up about everyone getting so worked up over nothing – “Haven’t you all got better things to do than talk about this? I know I haven’t.”
This week I have decided to put sell-by dates in the spotlight. Here is a list of things that are now past their sell-by date: 1. Sell-by dates Or to ...
Sell-by Dates & Privacy – 24th Mayonnaise 2018
This week I have decided to put sell-by dates in the spotlight. Here is a list of things that are now past their sell-by date:
1. Sell-by dates
Or to be more precise, best before dates, which are subtlety different – does anyone notice or care? Anyway, Tesco is removing their best before dates from some of their fresh vegetables etc., so you can now just have a look at the item and use common sense to decide whether or not to eat it, rather than chucking it away just because some arbitrary date on the plastic packet (which, ironically, makes the produce sweat and last less long!) has passed.
2. World peace
Remember the heady days of cuddly Kimmy Jong-un and friendly Moony Jae-in holding hands and hugging at the border between the Koreas, with much hope of an official end to the Korean War and nuclear disarmament and other goodies? Well, all that’s off now, because the summit between loveable Kimmy and a mad leader with little respect for press freedoms or the rule of law (Donald Tramp) is off. This is after the Americans said some really catty things about the North Koreans and the North Koreans said some bitchy things back and now the President of the Freak World has written a petulant letter to say that he is very upset about all the nasty things said and so Kimmy can just forget about meeting him and world peace and jelly and ice cream and everything!
3. The pathetic excuses of Emile Cilliers.
Adorable Emile has been found guilty of twice attempting to kill his wifey, by the methods of interfering with gas fittings in their home to try to cause a fatal explosion and, when that didn’t work, cutting vital parts off her parachute before arranging a special jump for her as a ‘treat’! Well, some treat, Victoria fell at horrendous velocities from the sky, but luckily landed on a hay stack and that’s when the court case started! Innocent-looking Emile said that a random killer must have interfered with the parachute – so that’s explains that one – and as for the gas fittings, the excuse is um, er… Anyway, surprisingly. the brainy jury found two- (actually, three-)timing nutter and would-be life insurance fraudster Emile guilty.
4. Not caring about your privacy