What the Press say:

Half skeleton, half Mr. Johnston, Percy Rees Johnson used to be a brilliant graveyard jockey before he changed. He realised something about the world that nobody else knew. And so his flesh was stripped of him, and he spent the rest of his days scouring scrap heaps in search of old friends.

The sauce troopers will descend onto the pitch with their aluminium parachutes and tomato gust. Heads will hit the soil in despair, wailing long into the morning.

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