| Type of Comedy |
Name of section |
Notes |
| RANTS |
rr Cake |
My best-known and most requested piece of comedy. Can be seen on youtube. Versions exists between 2 and 32 minutes in length |
| rr Baby on board signs |
Can also be seen on youtube |
| rr Down the tubes |
|
| rr Soap opera helplines |
|
| r Early morning fascists |
|
 Circus suicide |
|
| The London Eye |
|
| Tesco is evil |
|
| rr Firemen are show-offs |
Only lasts about 18 seconds |
| Crazy golf |
A rant that I read off the back of a pie packet |
| 1 Toast |
My longest rant (lasts 70 minutes) |
| Uri Geller |
|
| The Olympics / golf / tennis |
|
| r Jesus, the carpenter |
|
| 1 Bars at closing time and nightclubs |
|
|
rr School sports days
|
Unsuited to America |
1 Friendly Northerners (UK)
|
|
| Sick to death of having to go to the toilet |
|
| r People who've done a bit of travelling and think they're all superior |
Rarely performed, now I'm a member of the jet set |
| Computer hackers |
|
| virgin Pets |
|
| r Modern food allergies |
|
| Beggars asking for spare money |
|
| rr Sudoku puzzles |
|
| Computer space bar lengths |
|
| Global warming a good thing |
|
| Benches dedicated to dead people |
|
| virgin Tea and coffee |
|
| 1 Prefer anonymous rip-off |
|
| 1 Having to enjoy yourself while dancing |
|
| 1 Funeral small-talk |
|
| Waiters / cashiers |
|
| Vibrators |
|
| People with no phone credit |
|
| 1 Show jumping sadness |
|
| 1 Greenland is semi-independent |
|
| 1 Bewitching women cadging cigars |
|
| 1 Couples in love |
|
| 1 Double-barrelled names |
|
| 1 Your life is all mapped out at school |
|
| Meringue |
| |
| 1 Bus drivers |
|
1 Person without an umbrella
|
|
| virgin Lying about arrival times to friends |
|
| Gay sex |
|
| Scientology |
|
| 1 Gold fish |
|
| 1 Traffic wardens |
|
| 1 Rhubarb |
|
| Trams |
|
| 1 Teeth |
|
| 1 Caroline Quentin |
|
| MIMES |
War widow receives message from pigeon |
|
| The Cheddar collection |
|
| r Clog maker |
|
| Dolphin centre |
|
| Apple turnover |
|
| Fishmonger / cat sanctuary |
|
| Cricket woman |
|
| Harpsichordist |
|
| r Hawk enthusiast |
|
| Silver service waiter on the Titanic |
One of my rare mimes that does not end with a sax session |
| Antiques Roadshow |
As above |
| DEEP STUFF |
rr Living room concerns |
|
| Stationery shops |
|
| rr The Lonelineness |
The deepest of all my comedy pieces |
| rr Men don't like beer |
Popular in the provinces |
| 1 Alcohol |
|
| 1 Is homosexuality inherently amusing? |
|
| SILLINESS |
rr Vans |
|
| 1 Shirley Bassey's dangerously loose leg |
|
| 1 Dionne Warwick's dangerously loose leg |
|
| rr Shire horsies |
|
| rr Open University |
|
| Apples |
|
| Dolly mixture |
|
| Shoes - shiny or scuffed |
|
| Isn't life a palaver? |
|
| Increasing price of a Chinese takeaway |
Can last up to 50 minutes, in extreme versions |
| Ken Doherty |
|
| 1 Rod Stewart |
|
| The weather |
The original Paul Foot improvisation |
| 1 Rockery vs. rookery, brush vs. bush |
|
| 1 Bourbon cream sado-mosochistic suburban session |
|
| CHARACTERS |
virgin Nanna |
|
| virgin Daily Mail bigotry corner |
|
| 1 The drunkard |
|
| virgin Dariah Crumpet |
|
| Gloom and misery |
|
| Failed Beefeater |
|
| virgin Professor Power Station |
|
| virgin Sergeant Suicide |
|
| 1 Lord Ghost |
|
| Trawlerman |
|
| r The Killer / Grim Raper |
|
| 1 Sad Frank |
|
| 1 Pirate |
|
| 1 Notebook Neil |
|
| r Penny |
|
| 1 Japan-style Jonica |
|
| virgin Biggles |
|
| FANTASIES |
Watermelon |
|
| Secretary fails RADA audition |
|
| r Taking revenge against a bed and breakfast landlady |
|
| Wedding ruined - kilt |
|
| Wedding ruined - presents chipped |
|
| 1 Hawker's Death With Dignity and Good for the Environment Funeral Service |
|
| 1 Monkey and shredder |
|
| 1 Inept prossy |
|
| 1 Arse on telegraph pole |
|
| Grenda O'Reilly |
|
| r Brussels Eurostar bedspread |
|
| 1 Women's Institute environmental talk |
|
| Granny smashes vase |
|
| NOVELETTE |
Judy Cardigan |
|
| JOKES |
You've Been Framed |
Not really a joke at all. An extended piece about the TV show (America's Funniest Home Videos for US readers) |
| Boxer |
|
| Norfolk B-roads |
|
| Airliner |
|
| Hobbies |
|
| Curling |
|
| Mother-in-law |
|
| Junior Cluedo |
|
| r Merry-go-round |
Won an award with this joke in 1997 |
| Locker |
Performed on TV in a 55-second act |
| r Best lover + vagina |
|
| Self-catering cottage |
|
| Budgerigar |
Written by my friend Trevor Lock, but adapted and performed (occasionally) by me. Is in joint ownership, for reasons too complex to go into |
| Worst text message |
As above. I almost never perform this joke these days |
| virgin Predictive text |
Have never bothered to say this joke in public |
| MURDER MYSTERY |
The Barbaric Bludgeoning at Truffle Towers |
I star as Inpector Foot of Scotland Yarn |
| 1 The Mystery of the Yule Clog |
As above |
| NONSENSE |
The Nonsense Game |
|
| LIFE-CHANGING SYSTEMS |
S.A.F.E. (Sexual Awakwardness-Free Encounters) |
Ties in to my loneliness section |
| QUICK-FIRE SILLINESS |
Wok etc. |
|
| IMPROVISED PLAY / MUSICAL |
rr |
Now very much back in vogue. One of the most exciting ideas in the Foot catalogue |
| SKETCH |
Open University |
A solo sketch performed by Paul Foot's One-Human Sketch Troupe |
| 1 1920s soirree |
As above |
| Phone - cat |
|
| Rewiring electrics death |
Performed with a man (I play a woman) |
| "Presentation" |
Performed with another man or, even better, a woman |
| Jeanette Cunny |
As electrics sketch |
| UNRACIST INSULTS |
virgin |
|
| LECTURES |
Crime |
These lectures can also be done as reports |
| 1 Relationships |
Powerpoint presentation |
| 1 Saturnday nights |
Powerpoint presentation |
| 1 The Universe |
Powerpoint presentation |
| REPORTS |
1 Crime |
|
| Relationships |
|
| Saturnday nights |
|
| The Universe |
|
| 1 Schadenfreude |
|
| School |
|
| Wine |
|
| Small talk |
|
| Flying |
|
| 1 Computers |
|
| 1 Cricket |
|
| 1 Rugby |
|
| 1 Golf |
|
| 1 Tennis |
|
| 1 Snooker |
|
| 1 Transport |
|
| The United States of America |
|
| Summer |
|
| 1 Kings and Queens |
|
| 1 Television |
|
| Eating Out |
|
| 1 Colds |
|
| 1 Travellers |
|
| QUESTIONNAIRE |
Questionnaire |
|
| IMPROVISED CHARACTERS |
1 Car personalities |
|
| ANECDOTES |
Ghost train |
|
| Dad stories |
|
| BEDTIME STORIES |
Dariah Crumpet |
Told in Edinburgh in pyjamas on a pink bus |
| SILLY THOUGHTS |
1 Gay adoption |
I can't work out which category this should go into |
| SUBJECTLESSNESS |
1 / virgin |
A new style of comedy under development. A few fragments currently exist, including my four jokes: suburban prossy, pub loser, party balloon, and ready meal |
| MUSICAL |
Charon's Barbecue Hell |
Accompanies Rachmaninov's tone poem 'Isle of the Dead' |
| virgin Dramatique accompaniment to Sibelius' 4th Symphony |
|
| JACK CULLEN |
Comedy performance by Jack |
My puppet, whom performs his own routine and does other things |
