What the Press say:

Notorious bi-sexual Penny is a hairdresser from Streatham. She attends every one of Mr. Paul Foot’s shows in various home-made disguises, preparing from these clandestine occasions an inventory of all of his work - both completed and unrealised. Since Penny’s release from Broadmoor, she has been eager to reintegrate into society, make friends and, perhaps, take things to the next level.

My life’s work

Here is an inventory of all the comedy Paul has created, including work in progress. Some of it can be seen on youtube videos and on your television screen from time to tide. The list does not include topical humours, which he does often – in which he forensically probes the issues of the day through the medium of role-play (He plays all the roles).

Key:
PF: a Paul Foot favourite
virgin: never performed
1: has only been perfomed once

Name of section When used / invented Where can be seen / heard Notes

IMPROVISED PLAY / MUSICAL / OPERA

PF Recurrent My Secret shows

FALSE INTRODUCTIONS

PF An appearance from Danny Stumbles Early 2011: Ash in the Attic My Ash in the Attic CD
PF The ‘Melbourne start’ Mid to late 2011: Ash in the Attic / Still Life Was nominated for an award for this introduction
‘No applause’ start 2010: Ash in the Attic

IMPROVISED CHARACTERS

PF 1 Car personalities Fabruary 2009 Appeared at a secret show

THE HOVERCRAFT SYMPHONY IN GAMMON # MAJOR

Get Rich Quick Scheme (Dinner Parties) 2014: Hovercraft Symphony
Hindu Chancer 2014: Hovercraft Symphony
Cauliflower Baby 2014: Hovercraft Symphony My secret personal favourite from the Hovercraft Symphony.
Problems in Orbit: The Airlock Humour 2014: Hovercraft Symphony
Dilemma regarding ABBA 2014: Hovercraft Symphony
Gusset 2014: Hovercraft Symphony Inspired by an incident in Mauritius when I had to go to the airport with a damp gusset after my trouser didn’t dry in time.
Cheap Aquarium Gags 2014: Hovercraft Symphony
Boner 2014: Hovercraft Symphony  I invented this in Room 91 of the Adina Hotel, Melbourne, whilst not having a boner.
A Reptile Dysfunction: The Ups and Downs of Living with Snakes 2014: Hovercraft Symphony This joke was improved upon halfway through my Edinburgh run by an anonymous audience member who’d seen the show and bumped into me by chance on a street corner. A rare instance of the audience writing part of a show.
PF Reggae Cleaner 2014: Hovercraft Symphony The first inspiration for Literal Surrealism
ABBA Recap 2014: Hovercraft Symphony

LITERAL SURREALISM

PF Lady Toilet Cleaner  2015: ‘Tis A Pity She’s A Piglet  The first piece of Literal Surrealism – created by me and Aaron, along with the concept of Literal Surrealism, in the Caribbean in Janitor 2015.
PF The Big Dove  2015: ‘Tis A Pity She’s A Piglet Arguments continue over whether this is actually Literal Surrealism or surrealism. Created over a gin and orange at Bermuda Aerodrome at 9.30am, to the surprise of others in the craft.
PF Businessman, Sits on Chocolate  2015: ‘Tis A Pity She’s A Piglet Took form at Gatwick Aerodrome, over a lobster cloud.
PF The Pepper Room  2015: ‘Tis A Pity She’s A Piglet  Invented my me in a nyce restaurant called Bomba in Melbourne, during a vermouth.
PF Home Terrorist Kit  2015: ‘Tis A Pity She’s A Piglet  Politically devastating. Written in Verona.
PF B.O. Baby  2015: ‘Tis A Pity She’s A Piglet
PF Immigration X-Factor  2015: ‘Tis A Pity She’s A Piglet
PF Breakfast   2016: ‘Tis A Pity She’s A Piglet Created in Southend-on-Sea/Hawaii writing sessions.
PF Homeless TV Chef   2016: ‘Tis A Pity She’s A Piglet
PF Internet Troll with girlfriend  2016: ‘Tis A Pity She’s A Piglet
Whirling burka virgin   2016
PF Bigoted Spiderman  2016: ‘Tis A Pity She’s A Piglet
PF Shariah Carey, the Muslim popstar   2016
PF Farmer without father   2015: ‘Tis A Pity She’s A Piglet
PF Oscar Pistorius  2016: ‘Tis A Pity She’s A Piglet
Jesus-loving Indian takeaway chef   2016  Another from the Southend-on-Sea/Hawaii writing sessions.
PF Star-gazing prossy  2016: ‘Tis A Pity She’s A Piglet  If you spend your life gazing through a telescope, you may not see the bigger picture

MADNESS

Humour that is meaningless yet inexplicably amusing.
PF Madness 1.0 2012: Kenny Larch is Dead
PF Madness 2.0 2013: Words
PF Madness 3.0 2014: Hovercraft Symphony

OBSERVATION/EXAGGERATION

PF Schooldays 2016: ‘Tis A Pity She’s A Piglet
PF Funerals 2016: ‘Tis A Pity She’s A Piglet
PF Restaurants 2016
PF Ambulance Drivers/RNLI/Blind dogs 2013: Words

ESSENCES

Lesbian terrorists Fabruary 2012
PF Wheelchair Assasin Fabruary 2012 & 2014: Hovercraft Symphony Once, in Cardiff, I was approached by a genuine wheelchair assassin, whilst performing this piece. Luckily, he enjoyed the humour and I retained my life.
Grandpa Grapefruit Fabruary 2012            
Cecil’s Pudding Face Fabruary 2012
Aboard the Burlington Coffee Fabruary 2012

INCIDENTS 

 Library
 Late 2011
 1 Buddhist  Late 2011
 PF Gay Slapstick
 Late 2011 & 2014: Hovercraft Symphony Homosexuality doesn’t necessarily lead to slapstick accidents, but it might.

ACCIDENTS

PF School assembly discus demonstration
Late 2011 Someone’s head gets lopped orff.
1 The bee’s dilemma
Late 2011
1 Family man’s stupidity on a railway train
Late 2011 Someone’s head gets lopped orff.
1 Rushed spaceship docking
Late 2011 Someone gets sucked orff into space.

DISTURBANCES 

Read off the backs of hand/Foot-decorated cards
PF City Folk 2013: Words
PF Immigrants 2013: Words
PF Lucille 2013: Words
PF Homophobia levels 2010-2011: Ash in the Attic My Ash in the Attic CD. A shorter version is on youtube
Seaside 2010-2011: Ash in the Attic My Ash in the Attic CD Very silly
PF Ashmatic businessman 2010-2011: Ash in the Attic My Ash in the Attic CD Even sillier
Finger puppy 2010-2011: Ash in the Attic My Ash in the Attic CD Ludicrous
In Vino Veritas virgin 2016
Clumsy faghag family virgin 2016
Circus 2010-2011: Ash in the Attic My Ash in the Attic CD
Telephone – cat 2010-2011: Ash in the Attic My Ash in the Attic CD Can theoretically last for ever
Labrador 2013
Suburban prossy 2010
PF Pub loser 2010 & 2013: Words
Animal Plurals 2013
Party balloon 2010
Ready meal 2010
School teacher discipline 2010
PF Supermarket anagrams 2010/2012: Kenny Larch is Dead  UK
PF Airline anagrams 2013: Kenny Larch is Dead Australala
PF Dalai Karma 2010
Shop assistant gift voucher 2010
Orchard peregrinations 2010
Betrayed in previous life 2010
Sea of Tranquillity 2010
Ottoman Empire 2010
Gok Wan 2010
The Slalom Is My Solace 2010
Writing on the wall 2010

GLIMPSES

Some say that glimpses are remarkably similar to disturbances, but I refuse to accept this
PF Clumsy prostitute 2011-2012: Still Life
Sphinx 2011-2012: Still Life
PF Pineapple-themed shop 2011-2012: Still Life Is never performed in Australala as the audiences down under are too sympathetic towards the pineapple-themed shop’s rival (whose life goes wrong) and forget to laugh.
PF Skeleton Johnston’s chair leg son 2011-2012: Still Life  The fairy godmother of Madness 1.0, which is itself the sperm donor father of Literal Surrealism.
PF Edible waitress 2011-2012: Still Life
PF Cheddar collection 2011-2012: Still Life  Totally different to the Cheddar Collection fantasy – an entirely different tragic tale involving a world-leading collection of cheddars.
Wedding ruined 2011-2012: Still Life
Sexual hermit 2011
PF Barry Goose, apprentice undertaker 2011 & 2013: Words
The Lard family’s barbecue meltdown 2011
Questiontime bodily explosion 2011
Rice lady slain outside newsagent 2011
Brenda leaves high finance
Cunnala Barker – barn casual 2011

POEM/THOUGHT

Bee versus wasp 2016

SILLINESS

PF Vans 2009: By the Yard
PF Shire horsies 2010-2011: Ash in the Attic Is performed about once every three years.
PF Open University 2009: By the Yard              
PF 1 Apples 2010
PF Windmills 2012  Windmills are disgusting. Utterly gross.
PF Skeleton Johnston: Puppet Collapse 2013: Words
PF 1 Actions Speak Louder Than Words 2014: The Great Debate – Australia              
Dolly mixture 2010
Shoes – shiny or scuffed 2009
PF Isn’t life a palaver? 2010 & 2013: Words
PF Increasing price of a Chinese takeaway 2003 I filmed this for the Edinburgh and Beyond TV show Can last up to 51 minutes, in extreme versions
Ken Doherty 2009
Rude Politicians’ Names virgin 2016  Invented during a dinner in Hawaii Big Island
1 Rod Stewart 2009
1 Unfounded celebrity allegations 2010
The weather 2003 The original Paul Foot improvisation
PF Rockery vs. rookery, brush vs. bush 2010 & 2013: Words
1 Bourbon cream sado-mosochistic suburban session 2009
1 Eurotunnel 2010
PF 1 Supermarket bag explosion / Al Qaeda feet detonation 2011
1 First stumble of the season 2011
1 I bet you couldn’t mark a moose 2011
virgin Fiona Bruce’s massive gut
1 Gay adoption 2010

FANTASIES

PF Cheddar Collection 2012: Kenny Larch is Dead
PF Madame Tussauds Chamber of Horrors cleaner slapstick 2012: Kenny Larch is Dead
PF Problems in Heaven 2012: Kenny Larch is Dead
PF Melancholy Beekeeper 2012: Kenny Larch is Dead The sadness of the apiary. A love affair ended close to some honey.
Astronaut miscalculations 2012: Kenny Larch is Dead She made some small errors with a few figures. She didn’t deserve to lose her whole family to Saturn’s rings.
Famous rooster 2012: Kenny Larch is Dead
PF Sue Johnston, Icarus of the trampoline 2012: Kenny Larch is Dead
PF Single wasp dad 2012: Kenny Larch is Dead
Five, not alive 2012: Kenny Larch is Dead
Rainforest lives up to its name 2012: Kenny Larch is Dead
PF Lesbian salmon salad lovers 2012: Kenny Larch is Dead Two lady fishes who left it too late.
PF Jesus and Lucifer 2012: Kenny Larch is Dead
Modern art gallery alarm 2012: Kenny Larch is Dead
PF Linda McCartney sausage party 2012: Kenny Larch is Dead She lost a leg and then the plot.
“The Sanctuary” 2012: Kenny Larch is Dead
PF The Mayor and the Olympic flame 2012: Kenny Larch is Dead
PF Sexually naive gymnastics expert Fabruary 2012: Kenny Larch is Dead
PF Save-a-flush haute cuisine tragedy Fabruary 2012 & 2014: Hovercraft Symphony
Watermelon 2009 Improvised after a man said 3 words
Secretary fails RADA audition 2003 One of my original fantasies. Absolutely pointless.
12 Deaths of Xmas 2015  Performed at Secret Shows.
PF Taking revenge against a bed and breakfast landlady 2003-2009: By the Yard               Over 34 minutes in its full version.
Wedding ruined – kilt 2009  Traditionally told at Christmas Secret Shows.
Wedding ruined – presents chipped 2004
1 Hawker’s ‘Death With Dignity and Good for the Environment’ Funeral Service 2010
1 Monkey and shredder 2010
1 Arse on telegraph pole 2009
PF Grenda O’Reilly 2009/2012: Kenny Larch is Dead
Brussels Eurostar bedspread 2010
Shirley Bassey’s dangerously loose leg 2010  Surprisingly similar to Dionne Warwick’s dangerously loose leg
PF Dionne Warwick’s dangerously loose leg 2009  Completely different to Shirley Bassey’s dangerously loose leg
Granny smashes vase 2003
Red Letter day with Angela Lansbury 2010  A Christmas Secret Show staple.
1 Women’s Institute environmental talk 2010

NONSENSE

PF The Nonsense Game 2008-2012: Still Life

CHARACTERS

virgin Nanna 2007
virgin Daily Mail bigotry corner 2007
1 The drunkard 2008
1 Debate against myself on sex before marriage 2011 Performed in Trinity College Dublin.
virgin Dariah Crumpet 2009
Gloom and misery 2000  The gloomy reaper, portent of doom.
Failed Beefeater 1999 Filmed it for the BBC in 2001
virgin Professor Power Station 2004
virgin Sergeant Suicide 2004
1 Lord Ghost 2004
Trawlerman 2008-2011
The Killer / Grim Raper 2008-2009
Sad Frank / 1 Notebook Neil 2008-2009
Pirate 2005-2011
PF Penny 2010-2012: Still Life Takes things to the next level
1 Japan-style Jonica 2009
PF Inspector Foot of the Yard 2010-2011 Part of the Scotland Yarn series of irrelevant murder mysteries.
PF Skeleton Johnston 2011 Half Skeleton, half Mr. Johnston
virgin Biggles 2005
PF

MIMES THAT END WITH SAX SESSION

Non-silent
War widow receives message from pigeon 2006-2007
The Cheddar collection 2006-2009
Clog maker 2006-2011
Dolphin centre 2008
Apple turnover 2008-2009
Fishmonger / cat sanctuary 2008-2009
Cricket woman 2008
Harpsichordist 2008
Hawk enthusiast 2009-2011
International hawk expert and monocle 2008
Arctic ark 2008
Hot dog / burger love 2008
Victorian wringer and mirror beast 2008
PF

MIMES THAT DO NOT END WITH SAX SESSION

Non-silent
Silver service waiter on the Titanic 2007
Antiques Roadshow 2007: Comedy for Connoisseurs

MUSICAL

PF Charon’s Barbecue Hell 2010: Ash in the Attic (Edinburgh version) Accompanies Rachmaninov’s tone poem ‘Isle of the Dead’
PF virgin Dramatique accompaniment to Sibelius’ 4th Symphony
virgin “He’s My Guy” room collapse Is also a mime

JACK CULLEN PUPPETRY

PF Comedy performance by Jack 2010              My puppet, whom performs his own routine and does other things

DEEP STUFF

Living room concerns 2006
Stationery shops 2006
PF The Loneliness 2007 & 2013: Words The profoundest of all my comedy pieces
PF Men don’t like beer 2006-2011             An extended version exists that probes the reasons for gay babies
1 Alcohol 2009
1 Is homosexuality inherently amusing? 2009

LIFE-CHANGING SYSTEMS

PF S.A.F.E. (Sexual Awkwardness-Free Encounters) 2007 Ties in to my loneliness section

RANTS

PF Old Ken 2015: ‘Tis A Pity She’s A Piglet
PF Schooldays 2016: ‘Tis A Pity She’s A Piglet
PF Funerals 2015: ‘Tis A Pity She’s A Piglet Rant emerges from a piece of Madness 3.0
PF Cake 2006-2011               Versions exists between 2 and 32 minutes in length
PF Baby on board signs 2006-2011            
Down the tubes 2009-2011            
virgin The Environment 2012
Soap opera helplines 2009-2011
Early morning fascists 2007-2011
Circus suicide 2005-2008
The London Eye 2007-2008
Tesco is evil 2008
PF Firemen are show-offs 2006-2011             
Crazy golf 2003
PF Toast 2008-2011 & 2013: Words Can last up to 51 minutes – my longest rant
1 James Dyson 2013 Useless hoover and air blade
Uri Geller 2008
The Olympics / golf / tennis 2009-2010
Jesus, the carpenter 2007-2010
Bars at closing time, nightclubs + no service at bar & clearing away empty glasses 2009
School sports days 2007-2011             Unsuited to America
1 Over-friendly Northerners (UK) 2009 Unsuited to the north of any country
Sick to death of having to go to the toilet 2003-2011
People who’ve done a bit of travelling and think they’re all superior 2006-2011             Rarely performed, now I’m a member of the international jest set
Computer hackers 2006-2009
virgin Pets 2001
PF Food allergies 2007-2012     My Ash in the Attic CD
Beggars asking for spare money 2008-2010
Sudoku puzzles 2006-2011            
Computer space bar lengths 2008
Global warming a good thing 2009
Benches dedicated to dead people 2007-2008
Tea and coffee 2012
1 Prefer anonymous rip-off 2010
1 Having to enjoy yourself while dancing 2010
Waiters / cashiers 2009-2010
Vibrators 2002-2004
People with no phone credit 2006-2007
1 Show jumping sadness 2010
1 Greenland semi-independent 2010
1 Bewitching women cadging cigars 2010
1 Couples in love 2008
1 Double-barrelled names 2010
1 Life is all mapped out at school 2010
1 Meringue 2010
1 Bus drivers 2010
1 Person without an umbrella 2010
virgin Lying about arrival times to friends 2010
Gay sex 2010
1 Teeth 2010
1 Carol McGiffin 2010
1 Showbiz career obituaries 2010
1 Bill Turnbull 2010
1 Punch a Post Office 2010
1 Caroline Quentin 2009
Charity climbers 2009

NON-RANTING OBSERVATIONAL COMEDY

Tabloid words 2016

JOKES

You’ve Been Framed 1999-2002
Budgerigar 1999-2011             
Boxer 1997-1999
PF Norfolk 1995-1999; 2011
PF Hobbies 1997-2002
Curling 2004
Mother-in-law 1999-2011 (rare)
Junior Cluedo 2009
PF Merry-go-round 1997-2011 Won an award with this joke in 1997
Locker 2003 Performed on TV in a 55-second act
PF Best lover + vagina 1997-2002
virgin Predictive text 2009 Have never bothered to say this joke in public

NOVELETTE

Judy Cardigan 2007

SKETCH

1 1920s soirree 2009 A solo sketch performed by Paul Foot’s One-Human Sketch Troupe
PF Rewiring electrics death 2005, 2009 Performed with a man (I play a woman)
PF “Presentation” 2005, 2009 Ideally performed with a woman
PF Jeanette Cunny 2005 Performed with Russell Kane
PF

MURDER MYSTERY

The Barbaric Bludgeoning at Truffle Towers 2006 I star as Inpector Foot of Scotland Yarn
1 The Mystery of the Yule Clog 2009 I star as Inpector Foot of Scotland Yarn

BEDTIME STORIES

PF Dariah Crumpet 2009 Told in Edinburgh in pyjamas on a pink bus

ANECDOTES

Granny story 2012
Ghost train 2007
Dad stories 2004

QUESTIONNAIRE

Questionnaire 2003

LECTURES

Crime 2002 Written on giant boards
1 Relationships 2006 Powerpoint presentation
1 Saturnday nights 2006 Powerpoint presentation
1 The Universe 2006 Powerpoint presentation

REPORTS

1 Crime 2008
Relationships 2008
Saturnday nights 2008
The Universe 2008
1 Schadenfreude 2008
School 2008
Wine 2008
Small talk 2008
Flying 2008
1 Computers 2008
1 Cricket 2008
1 Rugby 2008
1 Golf 2008
1 Tennis 2008
1 Snooker 2008
1 Transport 2008
The United States of America 2008
Summer 2008
1 Kings and Queens 2008
1 Television 2008
Eating Out 2008
1 Common colds 2008
1 Travellers 2008
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